by Rachel Kurzius
Dear Rachel,
I am a young male professional and I am currently stuck
in a rut. Day to day my life is pretty monotonous, and overall I'm not a very
happy person. My problem is that lately I've been very lonely. I've been single
for over a year and it seems like everything I've done to meet someone new has
not worked out. I've had flings here and there but nothing has been successful
or made me truly happy. Clearly the fact that I need someone in my life to make
me happy is a problem; however I can't seem to get over this.
I try to do things daily to make me happy, or enjoy the
little things like a delicious meal or an interesting read, but my overall
loneliness outweighs my day to day pleasures. I'm also lacking long-term
passions and goals, aside from creating and providing for a loving family. All
of this could even explain why I'm having trouble meeting people in the first
place, which makes me feel like not only am I stuck in a rut, but possibly a
vicious cycle. How can I break free?
Spinning My Wheels
Dear Spinning My Wheels,
I'm not going to tell you to forget about finding
someone. It's just not realistic advice. Moreover, there's nothing wrong with
wanting to have a partner in life, crime and cuddling. You seem especially
interested, because you've got building a family on the brain.
Perhaps, though, all of these machinations for the future
have become obvious in a way that is complicating your present. People can
sense when you want more than you're letting on. As you meet women in bars or
doing activities, try not to immediately imagine whether they'd make a good
girlfriend or wife or mother. That could be a huge turn-off. Enjoy the moment.
Meet people and try to get to know them as they are now, not how they might fit
into your future family portrait.
You write about loneliness but you don't mention friends
in your letter. Friends can really help stave off loneliness. Perhaps many of
your friends have already paired off, or they're busy, but try and make time to
cultivate the relationships you already have.
I like how you already try to savor what you have -
delicious meals and thought-provoking books. If these pleasures had a sense of
building, they could offer you more lasting satisfaction. Think about what
makes a relationship special. It's the shared commitment towards building something
unique. While a relationship is a good way to construct something new and
special, it's only one potential component of a satisfying life. You don't have
as much control over this, though, as a commitment to a hobby or a group. So in
the interim build towards becoming a better cook, if that's something you enjoy
doing.
When a relationship does happen for you (and don't
despair, it will -- after all, you've only been single for a year, despite how
interminable it may feel), you and your love will both be grateful for your
diverse interests and abilities. And think of what a better dad it will make
you! It's an opportunity to make your future better as much as a way to find
current fulfillment.
Your letter makes it sound like you're not sure what,
precisely, you'd like to build on. That's part of the whole rut. And I know
that feeling -- it IS self-perpetuating. You feel dissatisfied and so nothing
satisfies. You've got to find a way to break out! Your letter to me shows that
you badly want to do so. If somebody asked you the question, "What's
exciting you these days?" what would your dream answer be? Let that ideal
guide you as you seek new challenges.
Remember -- you aren't going to just end up with a new
skill or interest by happenstance. It involves dedication and hard work.
Perhaps you feel like a girlfriend would be an easy solution to your lethargy.
You'd be wrong. Good relationships, just like good hobbies, require dedication
and hard work. You're not going to suddenly wake up one morning and be happy.
Each day, you can make small decisions that will influence your state of mind.
Make them count.
All the best,
Rachel
---
Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided
counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she
works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is
Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com,
on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or
at advice @ fastmail.net.
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