by Rachel
Kurzius
Last week, I fielded a question from a person planning a
big move. The writer was concerned about a friend who had served as the closing
lawyer during the family's previous move, and apparently did not perform to
satisfaction. He felt concerned about hurting the friend's feelings, though
remained opposed to having her work on their behalf again. I recommended that
he make as little a deal over the whole thing as possible, and chalk up the
lack of rehiring to a change in strategy.
You all had some interesting suggestions and additions
for this case as well. One reader wrote, "I believe in telling little
white lies to keep peace and friendships. If the lawyer friend asks, tell her
that the seller received a discount on the closing fees by using a 'closer,' recommended by the real estate
agent."? I totally agree. The idea of telling the whole truth and nothing
but the truth is unrealistic and, at times, selfish. If you value the
friendship, sometimes you have to shut your trap.
Another reader noted, "Traditionally, the settlement
agent or title company is selected by the buyer, not the seller. So this may be far less awkward than the
letter-writer assumes! But regardless, I agree with the advice. The sellers should be very
matter-of-fact. It'll then become an
issue only if the lawyer friend, not the sellers, make it one."? My
understanding here is that often buyer and seller both choose to have
representation at the table, because their interests often conflict with each
other. I agree with this reader that the issue of the tone is important here.
It would be condescending to sit the friend down and explain in painstaking
detail why she's bad at her job. But you're not obligated to hire your friends
for any given task. (This letter showed why it's often a bad idea). If the
friend reacts with anger, then just be glad you're moving!
And now, on to the advice...
Dear Rachel,
A few weeks ago I was at a party with friends and friends
of friends. Later in the evening a girlfriend of a friend of friend (still with
me?) arrived. At the time she was about seven months pregnant. Throughout the
course of the evening I noticed her ease her way towards where people were
getting high, and she eventually joined in and smoked herself.
As a health advocate, I was torn and admittedly
uncomfortable. In the end, I chose not to say anything and respect her autonomy
as a person and her right to to make her own choices. Now I wonder, was that
the right thing to do?
Leaving Baby in the Corner
Dear Leaving Baby in the Corner,
Your question gets at the heart of whether it's better to
accept people's decisions (and fear that others are getting hurt and you're
just letting it happen) or try and impose your judgment on them (and
potentially be the one doing the hurting).
I feel really strongly tied to the fetus in this
instance. The mother here is potentially endangering her child, who has no say
in the matter but will surely be saddled with the consequences. Her partner
stayed silent too. Whether this is a common occurrence for this soon-to-be
mother or not, who knows. But as an outsider, you could definitely jar them
into thinking about their actions in a new way.
What fascinates me is that these same arguments are often
used by anti-choice people and groups. The distinction, as far as I'm
concerned, is the element of choice itself. This woman, this couple, chose to
commit to this pregnancy and carry it to term. Almost all choices involve
sacrifice, none more so than the decision to have children.
I suspect that part of your inaction had to do with
feeling uncomfortable speaking up. Don't be ashamed of that. If it wasn't hard
to stand up for someone helpless, then it wouldn't be such a brave act. Try to
think of it as advocacy instead of playing the role of the killjoy.
All the best,
Rachel
___
Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided
counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she
works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is
Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com,
on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel
or advice @ fastmail.net.
No comments:
Post a Comment