I have a way to get good service at restaurants all the time.
Never more will you be tapping your foot to the tune of the Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House," as you wait for your check so you can make it to the movie on time. Never more will three people have finished their dinners, while the third person hasn't even gotten his food yet. Never more will you nearly pass out from dehydration while trying to flag down a waiter for a glass of water.
All you need to do is call the restaurant on your cellphone and ask for what you need. Tell whoever answers the phone, "Hello. My name is Jim Smith. I'm actually in your restaurant now and am seated at the table next to the window overlooking the parking lot. I'm calling because I've been trying to get the waiter's attention so that I could get a fork before my lunch gets cold. Could you take care of that for me?"
I know that you could actually get up and talk to the host, but that ruins the whole never-get-up-from-the-table concept of dining out. At a restaurant, things are supposed to come to you: The moment you have have walk to get something is the moment you might as well have sent out for food at home.
I haven't actually summoned the courage to try this method yet. Maybe when it gets hotter and my desperation for a glass of water grows strong, I will. I'm sure that it will work great, though. If you use this method, let me know.
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Bill Adler is the co-publisher of the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com. He is the author of "Boys and Their Toys: Understanding Men by Understanding Their Relationship with Gadgets," http://amzn.to/rspOft and "Outwitting Squirrels," http://amzn.to/VXuLBh. He tweets at @billadler.
Fire Breathing Toaster is published on Mondays on the Cleveland Park Listserv. (Washington Tweets, which used to be published on Mondays is on extended vacation.)
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