Dear Kelli,
My question involves an intimate friendship that was close when we were roommates in college, even closer when my friend moved across country and went through very hard times on her own, with a happy ending in her engagement to a wonderful man. Between all that we've been through I have felt growing frustration when we interact and now feel that our different paths have led to our growing apart.
A year ago I agreed to be in her wedding, which at that time had no date or specific plans. Recently she told me that the wedding will be a year from now in a tropical paradise -- unfortunately out of my travel budget, as I have just taken on major student loans. My decision is mostly made: I can't go, especially as a member of the wedding party whose obligations are greater than the average guest's. How do I handle talking talking to her about it? In the past she has taken it very hard when I've told her I couldn't visit, and those conversations have created some of the divide between us. This is on another scale entirely -- her wedding! How can I break it to her gently?
Signed,
Bridesmaid Dilemma
Signed,
Bridesmaid Dilemma
Dear Bridesmaid Dilemma,
I understand why you’re concerned: Your friendship already has had some difficulties and you’re fearful that not attending your friend’s wedding could create an even greater divide. That’s why I think you need to be really delicate around this issue.
It’s totally understandable (and rational) that you can’t afford to go to the out of town wedding due to your student loans. People don't realize that a destination wedding can be an imposition on a guest! A lot of times brides get so caught up in wedding bliss that they forget about the practical details, or sometimes just expect guests to accept all the travel costs, no matter how burdensome. In my opinion, a bride who has a destination wedding should realize it’s merely a bonus if their guests can make the trip, not an expectation!
With that being said, I’ve been a bride and I know the craziness that comes with wedding planning. Sometimes brides get so excited or busy with details that they can’t see or think from a guest’s perspective. It’s very easy to get caught up in the “Me! Me! Me!” mentality. And the wedding RSVP can sometimes turn into a test of one’s friendship. Again, that’s why I think it’s important that you choose your words carefully.
This is what I’m thinking… I’d say, “Sally, I’m so excited that you're getting married to Richard, and there's nothing I’d like more than to be there to celebrate with you. That’s why I’m hoping you could help me. I have major student loans and I'm have a tough time trying to come up with the money for your wedding. Can we brainstorm together how this could work? This is so important to me and I really want to come up with a solution together.”
To me, this shows a genuine interest that you want to be at her wedding and also makes clear that this isn't with the friendship -- it's really about the money. I have a feeling if she’s a good friend, she’ll figure out a way to have you there.
FYI: I had a guest in the same dilemma at my wedding and I paid for her flight across country. I’m not saying your friend should or could do the same, but perhaps there are other things she could do to help (e.g., split the cost of the bridesmaid dress with you, find a singleton to share the hotel room, and so on.)
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m the first to admit I love to give advice. However, after being told several times, I realize that people don’t always want to hear my advice. The thing is, I think my advice is actually pretty good and maybe sometimes people just want a sounding board, rather than solutions. How can I tell the difference?
Signed,
Want My Own Advice Column
Dear Want My Own Advice Column,
It’s pretty simple. If a friend comes to you with a problem, you listen. Afterwards, if you have some good insight you can say, “Would you like some feedback or did you just want me to listen?” And then you are respectful to what the person requests.
If that’s too hard or if you forget, I’d err on the side on staying quiet and just listening. If people want advice they will usually ask you directly for it.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I have a friend whom I like and adore, but I can’t give her the attention I want right now. I’m going through my own problems, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about them just yet. I don’t want her to think that I’m ignoring her or she did something wrong; still I‘m just not ready to confide in her. But she keeps asking me if I’m mad at her or if she did something wrong. I’m not sure she believes me when I say no. Any insight?
Signed,
Don’t Want to Lose Her
Dear Don’t Want to Lose Her,
It’s perfectly understandable that you can’t give to someone else when you are going through your own turmoil. And even though you can’t give her your time and attention right now, the fact you are writing me shows you genuinely care for her and want to maintain your friendship. I think that’s great.
Perhaps you could write her a simple email saying something like this:
“Dear Lori,
I’m so sorry I’ve been a little distant. I’m going through something now which I’m not quite comfortable talking about. Please know my disappearance is not a reflection on our friendship or my feelings about you. I adore you and want to continue our friendship. I just need to sort through my own feelings at the moment. I promise I will talk to you about this when I’m ready. Thank you so much for being patient.”
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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