Dear Kelli,
I was raised Catholic but I’m non-practicing now. I work in a building where I see clients. I have one client who is older, in her sixties, and she always says to me, “Becky, if only you were Jewish I’d set you up with my son.” I find this really insulting. It seems to me that she's saying I’m not good enough to date her son because I’m not Jewish. How should I respond?
Signed,
Just a Shiksa
Dear Just a Shiksa,
If this lady is a client of yours, I’d advise you not to say anything at all. I know that’s hard, especially when you feel insulted. But it's really a back-handed compliment, if you look at it from her perspective: She's saying you're great, but the only thing that's not right about you is your religion. She believes that only someone who shares her son's religious beliefs would be a good match for her son -- and that's very different from "not good enough."
However, if you find her rejection of you more than just an annoyance, and if you feel that you can't get beyond it to work with her productively, you might wish to refer her to someone else. If you can keep it in perspective, I'd say the best thing is to say “thank you” and move on. It’s more important to keep up your business relationship with this woman than to agree with her personal ideas about who's right for her son. So my advice is to write it off as her personal quirk, and don't let it get to you.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I color my hair often. It’s kind of my thing. One month it’s red, the next it’s blonde. I have a friend who constantly feels the need to weigh in. “Oh, you know, I liked your hair better last month.” I just want to do my own thing without unsolicited advice. She is a good friend so I think that’s why she feels free to say what she wants, but it’s annoying me now. Your thoughts?
Signed,
Hair Color of the Month,
Dear Hair Color of the Month,
If she's your good friend, then you say something like this: “Hey Becky, as you know, hair is my thing. But I have realized over the last few weeks I’m more sensitive about what my friends say when I color it than I thought. So I’m telling all my friends to please keep their thoughts to themselves, whether they love my color or hate it, so that I can make my own decisions. Is that cool?”
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m 32 and had random sex with a stranger last weekend, unprotected. It was exciting, but now I’m absolutely terrified because my period is late. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative but I’m still nervous. I don’t even have the guy’s phone number. Can you help me with next steps?
Signed,
Thrill Seeker
Dear Thrill Seeker,
I’m not your mom, but I’m sure I’m going to sound like it. It was stupid and even potentially lethal to have had random sex with a stranger, unprotected. There are too many risks, and unwanted pregnancy is just one of the many. I hope no matter what the outcome of this scenario you learned a powerful lesson: It’s not worth the risk.
For now, I’d call an OB and get a blood test (more sensitive than home pregnancy tests) and absolutely get screened for STDs. It may be exciting to have random sex with someone you don’t know, but I guarantee you all the thrill will be gone if you learn you have AIDS, herpes, or any other disease.
It’s okay to seek thrills, but there are safer avenues to get that rush -- skiing, sky diving, etc. If you feel you may have an addiction to this dangerous form of thrill-seeking, and/or it’s making your life unmanageable, I would definitely suggest seeing a therapist. You may be running from something and seeking that thrill as an escape.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
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