Dear Kelli,
My nine-year-old daughter rushes through her homework just to get it done. It’s often sloppy and careless. How do I get her to slow down?
Signed,
Haste Is Waste
Dear Haste Is Waste,
First, I would suggest that you set the scene for her so she can be as focused as possible. Place her in a room where there are few distractions (no TV, cell phones, loud noises, etc). Have a snack by her side, water, and all her materials ready. Next, I’d establish a time boundary. If she usually gets her work done in fifteen minutes, tell her she has twenty-five minutes to sit and do her homework. That twenty-five minutes is non-negotiable, which means if she finishes early, she can re-check her answers or go ahead to the next chapter. It would be super helpful if you could sit with her doing some quiet work (paying bills, reading, etc.) so she feels you’re in it together. Finally, offer a reward. If she gets her work done with few mistakes, or you can tell she’s tried her best, she can watch her favorite show or surf the web.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I’ve been married for eleven years but don’t feel my partner is romantic anymore. I miss the cute notes he used to write me, massages he used to give, and the special dinners where I’d dress up. How can I get my husband to get his romantic mojo back?
Signed,
Romance Is Dead
Dear Romance Is Dead,
I’d start by being the partner you want to have. In other words, do romantic things for your husband. My sense is that if you will set the stage for how you want things to be, he’ll be more likely to do his part. So you plan a date where you can dress up, offer to give your husband a massage, etc, it will plant the seed for him to do the same for you. If he’s not following or you feel like you’re making too much of an effort without result, then you have to come out with it and tell him you need more romance. I know telling your husband what you need is the farthest thing from romantic but it’s probably the quickest and surest way to get what you want. Don’t be embarrassed to let him know that you need more from him and that you miss the romance. It’s completely natural and normal, and the majority of couples go through this at one point or another. A relationship has to be nourished to be successful. You'll be doing the right thing when you make him aware that you need more.
All the best,
Kelli
---
First, I would suggest that you set the scene for her so she can be as focused as possible. Place her in a room where there are few distractions (no TV, cell phones, loud noises, etc). Have a snack by her side, water, and all her materials ready. Next, I’d establish a time boundary. If she usually gets her work done in fifteen minutes, tell her she has twenty-five minutes to sit and do her homework. That twenty-five minutes is non-negotiable, which means if she finishes early, she can re-check her answers or go ahead to the next chapter. It would be super helpful if you could sit with her doing some quiet work (paying bills, reading, etc.) so she feels you’re in it together. Finally, offer a reward. If she gets her work done with few mistakes, or you can tell she’s tried her best, she can watch her favorite show or surf the web.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I’ve been married for eleven years but don’t feel my partner is romantic anymore. I miss the cute notes he used to write me, massages he used to give, and the special dinners where I’d dress up. How can I get my husband to get his romantic mojo back?
Signed,
Romance Is Dead
Dear Romance Is Dead,
I’d start by being the partner you want to have. In other words, do romantic things for your husband. My sense is that if you will set the stage for how you want things to be, he’ll be more likely to do his part. So you plan a date where you can dress up, offer to give your husband a massage, etc, it will plant the seed for him to do the same for you. If he’s not following or you feel like you’re making too much of an effort without result, then you have to come out with it and tell him you need more romance. I know telling your husband what you need is the farthest thing from romantic but it’s probably the quickest and surest way to get what you want. Don’t be embarrassed to let him know that you need more from him and that you miss the romance. It’s completely natural and normal, and the majority of couples go through this at one point or another. A relationship has to be nourished to be successful. You'll be doing the right thing when you make him aware that you need more.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I’ve always had the travel bug but my partner is more of a homebody. That was okay when we were first dating but now I’m starting to miss the adventure in life. I still do things by myself but I want a partner in these adventures. How can I get her to come with me?
Signed,
Home Free
Dear Home Free,
First, I believe there needs to be some acceptance on your part that you’re two different people. Your partner isn’t going to wake up one day and love traveling, just as you are not going to discover you love staying home. You are who you are. Now that doesn’t mean your partner can’t compromise once in awhile but I think it helps to have that element of acceptance of your partner’s temperament.
Now for some more practical advice: You could start by telling your partner how much you miss traveling and that doing it without her doesn’t feel as good. It’s a compliment that you want to be with her on your adventures. Acknowledge that you understand she doesn’t love traveling, but would she be willing to travel with you on occasion? Wait for her response. If she says yes, pack your bags. If she’s hesitant, try not to get defensive, but go over her objections in a compassionate spirit. Ask her if she can pinpoint why she doesn’t want to travel. Is she scared to fly? Is she bored on car rides? Does she feel disorganized or anxious when far home? If you can identify her concerns, you can come up with joint solutions together to alleviate her stress. This may make her feel more in control and more likely to travel with you.
All the best,
Kelli
I’ve always had the travel bug but my partner is more of a homebody. That was okay when we were first dating but now I’m starting to miss the adventure in life. I still do things by myself but I want a partner in these adventures. How can I get her to come with me?
Signed,
Home Free
Dear Home Free,
First, I believe there needs to be some acceptance on your part that you’re two different people. Your partner isn’t going to wake up one day and love traveling, just as you are not going to discover you love staying home. You are who you are. Now that doesn’t mean your partner can’t compromise once in awhile but I think it helps to have that element of acceptance of your partner’s temperament.
Now for some more practical advice: You could start by telling your partner how much you miss traveling and that doing it without her doesn’t feel as good. It’s a compliment that you want to be with her on your adventures. Acknowledge that you understand she doesn’t love traveling, but would she be willing to travel with you on occasion? Wait for her response. If she says yes, pack your bags. If she’s hesitant, try not to get defensive, but go over her objections in a compassionate spirit. Ask her if she can pinpoint why she doesn’t want to travel. Is she scared to fly? Is she bored on car rides? Does she feel disorganized or anxious when far home? If you can identify her concerns, you can come up with joint solutions together to alleviate her stress. This may make her feel more in control and more likely to travel with you.
All the best,
Kelli
---
And now a reader's comment on last week's advice to the woman who was left feeling insulted after her client told her, "You'd be perfect for my son if only you were Jewish."
I think that your response to "Just a Shiksa" was pretty much on target. However, I'd recommend that she consider expressing her feelings to the client, in as kind and tactful way as possible.I believe that the client would benefit from knowing that her comment was hurtful, so that she would not repeat the mistake. As a general rule, if we don't know that what we're doing is irritating, we'll never know what behavior to change. I think that, if approached in the right way (using "I statements" etc.) I don't think she'll be offended. Possibly embarrassed. But she really should know. This is better than giving up on a professional relationship because of a misunderstanding. I say this as a Jewish woman, age 59, who can see myself at one time saying something similar to a "shiksa."
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
--------------------------
Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
No comments:
Post a Comment