Dear Kelli,
My in-laws are coming for their annual visit—of almost two weeks. They are very, very nice people, but having someone else staying in our house just starts to drive me crazy after a week. When I was working, I’d often spend long hours out of the house (it was uncanny how big work projects always seemed to coincide with their visits), just to avoid being around as much as I could. Now that I’m not working, though, I really don’t know how I’m going to survive having them hanging around the house all day for so long.
Neither my husband nor they seem to have heard of the famous Ben Franklin saying that “guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” My husband won’t consider any of the solutions I’ve suggested—asking them to shorten their visit (“they drive 15 hours to see us only once a year”) or finding an alternative place for them to stay (“that would be rude”)—and he thinks I’m wrong to have an issue with the length of their visit. This year my husband and I are going to take a two-night getaway during their visit (while they stay with the kids)—but I don’t think it’s going to be enough.
Help! Do I just need to grin and bear it—in which case, any suggestions for how to do that? Or am I right that this visit is just too long—in which case, how can I get them to stay for a more reasonable amount of time?
Signed,
Frustrated Daughter-in-Law
Dear Frustrated Daughter-in-Law,
I’m with you and Ben here. Yes, fish (I mean in-laws) stink after three days. Here’s the thing: you already committed or okayed them to stay for this visit. So for now I think you have to bite the bullet. Next year is a different story but we’ll get to that.
So how do you cope with the fish for two whole weeks? You take care of your guests in addition to taking care of yourself. If you feel the need to get space, you go out and run an errand. You do yoga. You do what you need to do to stay sane during those two weeks. It’s great that you have a get-away planned, and that will help keep you going. My point is, don’t be afraid to live your normal life. Often when we’re “entertaining”, we neglect our own needs and then end up getting resentful. So make this year different by doing what you need to do without the guilt. Everyone will feel better.
Assuming it’s okay with your husband, I’d lay the ground rules for next year’s visit when it’s first brought up. I’d say something like, “We love seeing you and we’ve got a couple things lined up this winter but we’d love to host you for five or seven days.” (I think five or seven days is a fair compromise, considering they want to stay for two weeks.)
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I'm the landlord of a building in DC. One of my tenants always pays her rent two days late. She's the only one who pays late. She's very kind and I can tell she is struggling each month to get the money. Do I lay down the law or let it go because she does eventually pay?
Signed,
Don't Want to Be Mean
Dear Don't Want to Be Mean,
I applaud your generosity and empathy for your tenant. Even if you did lay down the law, you're not being mean, you're just doing your job. That's okay. You have to remember that it's up to her to manage her money problems.
With that said, you said the tenant is nice and you can tell she is struggling. I'm a firm believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt. The fact that she does come up with the money (albeit two days late) does show she's trying. If you're okay with knowing each month her rent may be two days late, I'd say let it go. Now if she ends up paying you even later, you'll need to have a conversation with her or come up with a new game plan.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I'm terrified of getting my blood drawn. I'm six foot four and a 250 pound male. So as you can imagine I'm slightly embarrassed. What can I do to alleviate my fear? It’s not that I faint -- I just worry about needles.
Signed,
Not a Vampire
Dear Not a Vampire,
There's no need to be ashamed. I have a friend who is a phlebotomist (blood drawer) and she says in her experience anyone, regardless of size or height, can be afraid of needles. Fear doesn't discriminate! And she's seen more men than women who react this way. I'm telling you this so that you'll know how common this phobia is and you'll be aware that professionals in the field are very used to it.
My suggestion is to look into hypnosis or hyponotherapy. You might find a CD that can help you cope with this fear. Or it could be that all you need is a good distraction (bring along a magazine, or listen to music, while your blood is being drawn). But most important, tell the phlebotomist that you’re nervous. She can take special care with you and help to walk you through the experience.
I'm the landlord of a building in DC. One of my tenants always pays her rent two days late. She's the only one who pays late. She's very kind and I can tell she is struggling each month to get the money. Do I lay down the law or let it go because she does eventually pay?
Signed,
Don't Want to Be Mean
Dear Don't Want to Be Mean,
I applaud your generosity and empathy for your tenant. Even if you did lay down the law, you're not being mean, you're just doing your job. That's okay. You have to remember that it's up to her to manage her money problems.
With that said, you said the tenant is nice and you can tell she is struggling. I'm a firm believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt. The fact that she does come up with the money (albeit two days late) does show she's trying. If you're okay with knowing each month her rent may be two days late, I'd say let it go. Now if she ends up paying you even later, you'll need to have a conversation with her or come up with a new game plan.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I'm terrified of getting my blood drawn. I'm six foot four and a 250 pound male. So as you can imagine I'm slightly embarrassed. What can I do to alleviate my fear? It’s not that I faint -- I just worry about needles.
Signed,
Not a Vampire
Dear Not a Vampire,
There's no need to be ashamed. I have a friend who is a phlebotomist (blood drawer) and she says in her experience anyone, regardless of size or height, can be afraid of needles. Fear doesn't discriminate! And she's seen more men than women who react this way. I'm telling you this so that you'll know how common this phobia is and you'll be aware that professionals in the field are very used to it.
My suggestion is to look into hypnosis or hyponotherapy. You might find a CD that can help you cope with this fear. Or it could be that all you need is a good distraction (bring along a magazine, or listen to music, while your blood is being drawn). But most important, tell the phlebotomist that you’re nervous. She can take special care with you and help to walk you through the experience.
All the best,
Kelli
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And now a reader's comment on last week's letter from a gay man whose daughter has just had her first period:
Kelli
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And now a reader's comment on last week's letter from a gay man whose daughter has just had her first period:
Hello Kelli,
I enjoy your advice!
I would suggest that Max take his daughter to a female
pediatrician, and let them talk privately during the exam. That would guarantee that
she has someone knowledgeable to turn to.
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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