Ask Kelli: Tough Situations on Vacation, at Work, at Home

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

I started to plan our summer vacation and booked a beautiful Rehoboth Beach house -- the same house which we have enjoyed for the past several years. I told my good friend, and she asked me what week we were going. I told her and didn't hear anything about it for a week. Then yesterday she said, "Oh, by the way, Casey -- I also got us a beach house in Rehoboth the same week as you! So now we can spend the week together!" I'm absolutely furious. This was supposed to be MY family vacation, not a family/friend vacation. I can't rebook this particular house because there is no availability the rest of the summer. I really like this house because it's our special place every summer. What do I do?

Signed,
My Family Vacation


Dear Vacationer,

I understand your anger. You had planned a trip for your family and you didn't want it to become a joint vacation with someone else's family. It sounds as if this house has sentimental value to you and I personally wouldn't advise you to book a new place just because your friend is going to be in the same town that same week.

To me, this is a wonderful opportunity to set some clear boundaries. Before your trip you can tell your friend, "I love spending time with you and I'm happy to get together when we get back, but during our beach week, I think we're just going to spend time together as a family. It's our only true family time and we need to take full advantage of it. I hope you understand." You have to be clear so that your friend understands where you are coming from. Remember you don't have to get together with her if you don't want to; you have a choice here. Often we "people please" and then feel resentful. So state what you need upfront and there will be no confusion.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My boss is a complete and total workaholic. Whenever I ask for time off, he gives me a guilt trip. It drives me crazy! Any thoughts?

Signed,
Need a Friggin' Vacation


Dear Need,

It seems to me that your boss is projecting his own feelings onto you. In other words, he's thinking: "I work so hard and never take time off, so why should anyone else?" But this is completely unhealthy. You deserve the time off and legally you're entitled to it. So I'd take all the emotion out of it and just request the dates for your next vacation via email. "Dear Boss, I'd like to request vacation dates from July 2-9. Thank you." Now go and enjoy that well-deserved time off!

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My wife's brother is a construction worker and he offered to help us build an extension on our house for free. The problem is that he's always late: He says he'll be there at 9, and comes at 11 or something like that. It's now been almost three months and we've barely gotten started. I can't stand the mess and want this project completed. Yet I feel guilty because I know I can't really make demands if he's doing the work for free. What can I do?

Signed,
Putting a Wall Up


Dear Putting a Wall Up,

You have two choices here: Lower your expectations for the completion of the work and get the project done for free, or pay for a construction worker and have the project completed faster. I'd say go for the first option because you're dealing with family and you want to keep the relationship up. I know it's annoying to be stuck with someone else's timeframe, especially someone you can't really manage. But remember, this is a favor. If you really can't take it, then my suggestion would be to have your wife talk to her brother and explain the situation. She could say something like this: "Thank you so much, bro, for offering to build our extension. It's getting a little hard to manage things around here with all the construction, so do you think we can get the project completed in the next few months?" If after that, the brother is still working at a snail's pace, then I'd say it's time to talk with your wife about hiring someone else.

All the best,
Kelli

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Editor's Note: This is Kelli's last column. After nearly three years of writing the Ask Kelli advice column for the Cleveland Park Listserv and All Life Is Local, Kelli will be concentrating on other aspects of her career. The advice column will be on a hiatus and will return with a new name and new personality. Thanks, Kelli, for three years of lively and thought-provoking advice.

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.