The Secret Halloween Tax Nobody Talks About

by Bill Adler

A flat tax. The 9-9-9 tax thingy. The Bush era tax cuts. Middle class tax cuts.  Talk of taxes is flying fast and furious around the nation. But today I want to write about a tax that's often overlooked, but is as unfair and inequitable as any tax: Parents who take a percentage of their kids' Halloween candy.

Despite my very liberal tendencies in every other sphere of life, economics and politics, I've been guilty of this excess, too. 

I've justified this behavior in different ways, but I realize now, after listening to heated debates over taxes by members of Congress, candidates for President, and even the DC City Council's agonizing over the municipal bond tax, that my justifications are morally bankrupt. 

I was wrong to take what was probably 10 percent of someone else's candy every Halloween.

I justified this tax because I felt that I earned it through the annual October 31st 5pm emergency trip to Strosnider's hardware store for some obscure part for a fairy or puppy costume. I thought that my exhibiting boundless patience in the face of, "That's the wrong color sock! I need a green one!" was reason enough to claim a few handfuls of Kit Kats and candy corn. I thought that 10 percent was fair given how our bedroom was turned into a sewing studio every Halloween eve. 

I even tried to justify my candy tax as a societal benefit. Taxes are, after all, not just about raising revenue, but are used to cut consumption of sinful or dangerous projects. I thought that by taking every 10th candy, I was saving my kids from a visit to the dentist. That's a noble goal, isn't it?  But I was lying to myself and to my daughters: The candy tax did nothing to protect their teeth.

The Halloween tax is often taken in secret, without full disclosure. The tax dad cometh, but he slyly hopes that his kids don't notice that the volume of sweets diminishes day by day. I was prepared to tell the big lie if my daughters noticed: The Tooth Fairy took the candy because she needed it when she ran out of quarters. 

I realized that I was completely wrong about the candy tax when I took a cold, hard, look at my actions: My tax only claimed Kit Kats, candy corn, Nestle's Crunch, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and peanut M&Ms. I never took gum, cherry flavored lollipops or red hot jawbreakers. I only taxed the good stuff.  Can you imagine if the government didn't just tax a percentage, but made you fork over your bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, too?  

I feel shameful. I feel guilty. But having tasted the sweetness of this particular tax, I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop.

--

Bill Adler is the co-publisher of the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com. If you're feeling a void in your life, you can follow him on Twitter at @billadler. 

Donate Your Halloween Candy to US Troops

Treats 4 Our Troops is a grassroots organization, which was founded by Yael Roggen in 2007 to collect and distribute surplus Halloween candy to our nation’s deployed troops.  In 2009 T4OT went Trick-or-Treating 4 our troops and the bounty collected tipped the scales at nearly 3000 pounds.  Some of the area drop-off locations include:


1353 South Carolina Avenue, SE, DC
2939 Newark Street, NW, DC
3507 Morrison Street, NW, DC
2914 33rd Place, NW, DC
5635 7th Street North, Arlington, VA
122 N 36th Street, Arlington, VA
Jhoon Rhee Arlington, 1120 West Broad Street, Arlington, VA
3323 McMahon Road, Silver Spring, MD
7101 Loch Lomond Drive, Bethesda, MD
Signature Settlements, 188 Thomas Johnson Drive, Frederick, MD

There are more listings for places where you can drop off your candy through November 6 on the Treats 4 Our Troops's Facebook page and on MoverMoms' website.

Good Morning: Happy Halloween

After nighttime temperatures in the 40s in the normally colder suburbs, it will warm up to the lower 60's today. And there's no rain in the forecast: perfect trick-or-treat weather, especially if you're wearing a thick costume that's hot.

Monday will be cooler still --somewhere in the mid-50's-- but we don't need to think about Monday yet, right?

Halloween is a very old holiday, and the modern tradition of giving candy has its possible origin in the Druids' fear that the dead would return to play tricks on the living. To mollify the dead, the Druids, disguised in costumes so that the spirits of the dead would let them approach, would bring them small offerings of food.

Have fun tonight. And save us some Kit Kats.

Turtle Park Halloween Party Friday

There will be a Halloween party Friday at Turtle Park (also known as Friendship Park) from 5:30pm until 8:30pm. Here are the gory details:

Friday, October 29, 2010

5:30-6:30 Haunted Playground and Costume Parade
6:30-8:30 Halloween Double Feature - Movies on the Green
(It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown and Monsters, Inc)

Pizza, Drinks, Bake Sale, and More!
At Turtle Park
45th and Van Ness Streets, NW
Rain date: Saturday, October 30, 11am-noon– parade only

Good Morning: The End of Kindergarten Art Projects

It will be warm and sunny today; the kind of day you might mistake for early September. Look for ample sunshine and a high of about 77 degrees. Not bad for a few days before Halloween.

Speaking of Halloween, the forecast is still a happy one for this most important of all holidays. Sunshine and cool temperatures in the 60's are expected for Saturday and Sunday. And when you think about it, that's good: We don't want it to be too hot on Halloween, lest all that candy melt.

There are lots of things that are possible, some things that are impossible, and others that are unexpected good ideas. Or we hope that they are. In an environmentally friendly change, Dannon recently decided to stop putting lids on their yogurts. Other companies have made similar changes in their products.

Kimberly-Clark has gone the extra mile. The company is test marketing toilet paper without the interior roll. Tube-Free is how they're describing Scott Naturals toilet paper. It's great for the environment, I'm sure, but what about all those kindergarten art projects that rely on toilet paper tubes?

Halloween Party at 2nd District MPD Station on Oct. 31

The Second District Police Department will be hosting its annual Halloween party on Sunday, October 31, from 4 - 6pm.


The party will be held at the Second District police station in the community room. There will be a magician, moon bounce, and goody bags for each child. McGruff the crime dog will also make an appearance.


The police station is located at 3320 Idaho Ave., NW, behind the Giant supermarket.

Good Morning: Rainy Wednesday

We'll get to Wednesday's weather in a moment. First, some good news: Saturday, the day of the Colbert-Stewart rallies and Sunday, Halloween, should be great days, weather-wise. Expect highs in the mid-60's and mostly sunny both days. Though, of course, with the combination of Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Halloween on the same weekend, anything can happen.

As for Wednesday, if you're feeling at all crummy, crawl back in to bed and call in sick. Because Wednesday is going to be a crummy day. There's a 90 percent chance of rain, and the possibility of a thunderstorm or two. Highs will be in the mid-70's

Halloween Haunted House at Ft. Stevens Rec Center Tonight; Halloween Safe Haven on Sunday

There will be a Halloween Haunted House & Candy Hunt tonight, October 28 from 4-7pm at Fort Stevens Recreation Center (1327 Van Buren Street, NW).  Kids of all ages are welcome

Halloween Safe Haven will be on Sunday, October 31 from 5 to 8pm at the Fourth District Police Station (6001 Georgia Avenue, NW)  Kids (and their parents, of course), are welcome to make this stop part of your trick or treat route.  Stop by and grab a bit to eat as well as a bag full of candy!

Siren Call for a Vegan Halloween in DC

...In Takoma Park. Where else?  Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as a Vegan Halloween.

Here's the plea from the Takoma Park listserv:

Compassion Over Killing would like to help make it easy for trick-or-treaters in the DC-area to get their fair share of cruelty-free treats this Halloween, so we're putting together a map of local houses that are handing out vegan candy-and we need your help!

The vegan Halloween map is here,and you can read more about VeganDC here.

I read this message about vegan Halloween candy on the Takoma Park DC listserv before having my morning coffee, so I wasn't entirely sure, in my pre-caffeinated state, what vegan Halloween candy is. But apparently, it wasn't the lack of caffeine that caused me to have to reread that message several times. Somebody else on the listserv asked:

I'm totally at a loss. What is vegan candy? I think this is a bit much. What's being killed by candy? Our teeth from the sugar maybe. I know that sounds flippant, but I truly don't understand.

And the answer, because we simply have to know:

Since you asked, vegan candy is candy free of animal ingredients like gellatin (which is cow cartillage) and milk. (I once thought no-one got killed or suffered for milk, but found how naive I was when I started researching and visiting modern farms). Not to mention yuchy things like acetyl palmitate (it's a waxy oil made from sperm whale and dolphin's heads).

There's a tradition (if you can call it that) of giving out healthy snacks for Halloween: things like carrots, raisins, and Cheerios. I don't know. Pity all the disappointed parents who want to steal their kids' Halloween booty, only to grab a granola bar.