Living Happily on a Shoestring: Birthday Bonanza or Completely Bananas?

by Christine Wilkinson

Is it me?

Am I a birthday kill-joy? What is it that I don’t seem to get that everyone else does?

I knew the messy issue of gift-giving was going to come up as soon as school started. And here I stand with my daughter already E-vited to two birthday parties. I have not RSVPed to either...yet.

When I was a kid, my birthday was a big deal. Or at least it always felt like one. In the morning I actually got to choose what we’d have for dinner that night. (That was actually the best part.) And after dinner there was a gift from my parents and a collective gift from my brothers (also purchased by my parents, I’m pretty sure) followed by cake, ice cream, and blow-out-the-candle wishes. What wasn’t to love?

You already know I am in debt, but I swear to you, that is not the root of my big issue with children’s birthday parties these days. Part of the problem is that my daughter is fortunate enough to attend a private school (as the child of a faculty member), which places her among far wealthier classmates. But I don’t think even that is the root of the problem. Birthdays have become like weddings -- each host trying to outdo the last one. I find these parties wasteful, and I truly believe we’re not doing our kids any favors by lavishing them with $15 plastic gifts from Walmart, which ultimately languish in a landfill in someone else’s backyard.

One of the two recent E-vites was sent out to fifty recipients (and guests) for a party at a local sports-plex. I checked out its website for party information and found out that even if this family is throwing the cheapest party the complex offers (which I doubt), the rental fee for the space alone is about $500. That doesn’t include party favors, cake, food, gift bags, etc. The family throwing this party for their much-loved seven-year-old will likely spend upwards of $800 on this party -- and that’s a conservative estimate. And then all fifty or so guests will run out and buy the requisite gift, spending at least $15 -$20 (another low estimate), not to mention all the wrapping paper, gift bags, etc.

I know that these parents want the very best for their kids, and I believe that holding such celebrations brings joy for the parents, too. So what’s my problem? Who am I to judge? I appreciate that I should feel lucky simply to be invited (although the new PC rule is to invite all the children in one’s class so that no child is left out).

My question, though, is: Is this the very best for our kids? A smorgasbord of spending, receiving tons of loot and being the recipient of over-the-top consumerism?

It just doesn’t sit right with me.

For the last six years I have politely declined all party invitations, offering plausible excuses. My daughter was too young to really notice, and we have always celebrated her birthday much as I did when I was a kid. We make it a party for our three-member family, or sometimes we invite one other family over (with clear instructions to please, please bring no gifts). Up until now, my daughter truly had no idea what she was missing.

But this year she’s savvier: There’s a lot of talk about the upcoming parties. I don’t want her to feel left out, but I don’t want her to witness what I consider to be birthday gluttony, especially when a $500 rental fee could do so much good if spent elsewhere (e.g., in Haitian relief).

This issue truly causes me much internal conflict. Like all moms, I want my child to be happy, and I certainly don’t want her to feel punished by being held back from social events. I want her to have all the best things in life, but I also want to teach her that those very things --the best things in life-- will never come gift-wrapped in plastic boxes.

So...what do I do? Cave, buy the cheapie gift and send her to the party? And the next one, and the twenty after that each year? Do I keep her home, divert her attention by doing a fun family thing? Sit down and try to explain it all to a seven-year-old? And here’s the really tough one: Do I try to explain how I feel to her classmates’ parents? And if yes, how can I possibly do so without insulting their traditions, or sounding extremely judgmental?

Let's take money off the table as an issue for me. What's the right RSVP?


Please post your thoughts below!


Christine Wilkinson is a veteran middle school teacher, who holds a Master's degree in Education and is currently job hunting. Christine is also a freelance writer who has had articles published in the Raleigh News and Observer and most recently in the Washington Post. She has lived most of her adult life in the DC-Baltimore area, although she recently returned from a three year detour in the South (Raleigh, NC). She is married with a 7-year-old daughter, which prompts her to observe: "While I may be struggling in this economy, I lead a rich life blessed with a great family and amazing friends."