by Kelli Miller
I have three kids. I’m so tired of cleaning up shoes, clothes, food, etc. It seems that I'm cleaning up after them all day long. We can’t afford a cleaning lady but I'm feeling really frustrated with all the cleaning I end up doing. I know a major part of this problem is my desire to have my house to look good. Any advice?
Signed,
Call Me the Cleaning Lady
Dear Cleaning Lady,
I hear you loud and clear. After having my son I now get it when celebrities say “I don’t need to workout. My workout is chasing my kids and cleaning up!” It’s exhausting and at times feels never-ending.
I think you need to surrender to the idea that the house will never be 100 percent clean. You’re human, only one person, and you can only do so much. So cut yourself a break and give yourself permission that the house will be messy at times. This is the first step in letting go of the need to have it look perfect. I’d also set boundaries about how much cleaning you “need” to do each week (e.g., laundry twice a week vs. every day or washing the floors once a week vs. every other day).
I’d also urge you to examine your need to clean: It could be a form of anxiety. What else are you anxious about? Oftentimes when mothers are overwhelmed, they channel it in different forms, and obsessive cleaning is one of them.
As for your family helping, I’m not sure how old your kids are, but as long as they are past toddlerhood, you should be able to institute a chore chart or wheel. Each kid (depending on their age) can start pitching in. Ideas include: cleaning their room, vacuuming, sweeping, taking the trash out, etc. If you search online for chore charts or chore wheels, you can get more ideas about age-appropriate tasks.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My friend has been depressed. She won’t see a therapist. She won’t take medication. She’s just plain miserable. Is there anything I can do?
Signed,
Friend of the Depressed
Dear Friend,
First, let me preface by saying: If you believe your friend is suicidal (because she has given you reason to think she would harm herself), take immediate action by calling a psychiatrist or 911 (if the danger seems imminent). If you believe her condition is serious, I’d also contact her parents/siblings so we can have everyone on board. It’s good to have everyone aware of what is going on.
But if you know your friend is just down in the dumps, unfortunately, you can’t control how she handles her feelings/depression. It’s a harsh reality but true. I know it’s hard to sit back when your friend is down, but she might need to go through her process on her own a little bit longer. You can be there for her and ask her what she needs from you. Just being there for her may be the best you can do for her right now.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I went to a specialist (a doctor) the other day and thought the doctor was somewhat nice. Based on what we discussed I had to have some blood work done a few days later. Well, the blood work came back in and I wanted to discuss it with her. I called and left two messages (two separate times). Her staff were horrible to me and the doctor never called back. Finally, I got in touch with her, after calling a third time. She did tell me she received all my messages. After we discussed my blood results I told her I was upset that it took her three times to call me back and also mentioned that I felt her staff was not particularly nice to me. She got very defensive and also said one of the staff members was new and didn’t know about the current protocols. My question is this: Given that this doctor has a good reputation and is a highly competent doctor but has a poor bedside manner, do I just suck it up? I still have more testing to do, so I know I’ll have to deal with her more in the future.
Signed,
Trying to Be Patient
Dear Trying to Be Patient,
I’d absolutely look for another specialist. Yes, it’s great that your current doctor has a good reputation but if she isn’t responsive or has a poor bedside manner, to me that means she can't be called a good doctor. I believe a good doctor is both competent and responsive to the patients’ needs. Both. Not one or the other. You should look for (and you deserve to find) a doctor with both qualities.
My concern is that you do need more tests, so you may run into this problem again with her and her staff. Why not take your current blood work and look for a new specialist who can give you what you need? In my opinion, there is no need to compromise.
All the best,
Kelli
I hear you loud and clear. After having my son I now get it when celebrities say “I don’t need to workout. My workout is chasing my kids and cleaning up!” It’s exhausting and at times feels never-ending.
I think you need to surrender to the idea that the house will never be 100 percent clean. You’re human, only one person, and you can only do so much. So cut yourself a break and give yourself permission that the house will be messy at times. This is the first step in letting go of the need to have it look perfect. I’d also set boundaries about how much cleaning you “need” to do each week (e.g., laundry twice a week vs. every day or washing the floors once a week vs. every other day).
I’d also urge you to examine your need to clean: It could be a form of anxiety. What else are you anxious about? Oftentimes when mothers are overwhelmed, they channel it in different forms, and obsessive cleaning is one of them.
As for your family helping, I’m not sure how old your kids are, but as long as they are past toddlerhood, you should be able to institute a chore chart or wheel. Each kid (depending on their age) can start pitching in. Ideas include: cleaning their room, vacuuming, sweeping, taking the trash out, etc. If you search online for chore charts or chore wheels, you can get more ideas about age-appropriate tasks.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
My friend has been depressed. She won’t see a therapist. She won’t take medication. She’s just plain miserable. Is there anything I can do?
Signed,
Friend of the Depressed
Dear Friend,
First, let me preface by saying: If you believe your friend is suicidal (because she has given you reason to think she would harm herself), take immediate action by calling a psychiatrist or 911 (if the danger seems imminent). If you believe her condition is serious, I’d also contact her parents/siblings so we can have everyone on board. It’s good to have everyone aware of what is going on.
But if you know your friend is just down in the dumps, unfortunately, you can’t control how she handles her feelings/depression. It’s a harsh reality but true. I know it’s hard to sit back when your friend is down, but she might need to go through her process on her own a little bit longer. You can be there for her and ask her what she needs from you. Just being there for her may be the best you can do for her right now.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I went to a specialist (a doctor) the other day and thought the doctor was somewhat nice. Based on what we discussed I had to have some blood work done a few days later. Well, the blood work came back in and I wanted to discuss it with her. I called and left two messages (two separate times). Her staff were horrible to me and the doctor never called back. Finally, I got in touch with her, after calling a third time. She did tell me she received all my messages. After we discussed my blood results I told her I was upset that it took her three times to call me back and also mentioned that I felt her staff was not particularly nice to me. She got very defensive and also said one of the staff members was new and didn’t know about the current protocols. My question is this: Given that this doctor has a good reputation and is a highly competent doctor but has a poor bedside manner, do I just suck it up? I still have more testing to do, so I know I’ll have to deal with her more in the future.
Signed,
Trying to Be Patient
Dear Trying to Be Patient,
I’d absolutely look for another specialist. Yes, it’s great that your current doctor has a good reputation but if she isn’t responsive or has a poor bedside manner, to me that means she can't be called a good doctor. I believe a good doctor is both competent and responsive to the patients’ needs. Both. Not one or the other. You should look for (and you deserve to find) a doctor with both qualities.
My concern is that you do need more tests, so you may run into this problem again with her and her staff. Why not take your current blood work and look for a new specialist who can give you what you need? In my opinion, there is no need to compromise.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential
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