Ask Kelli: Tough Situations on Vacation, at Work, at Home

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

I started to plan our summer vacation and booked a beautiful Rehoboth Beach house -- the same house which we have enjoyed for the past several years. I told my good friend, and she asked me what week we were going. I told her and didn't hear anything about it for a week. Then yesterday she said, "Oh, by the way, Casey -- I also got us a beach house in Rehoboth the same week as you! So now we can spend the week together!" I'm absolutely furious. This was supposed to be MY family vacation, not a family/friend vacation. I can't rebook this particular house because there is no availability the rest of the summer. I really like this house because it's our special place every summer. What do I do?

Signed,
My Family Vacation


Dear Vacationer,

I understand your anger. You had planned a trip for your family and you didn't want it to become a joint vacation with someone else's family. It sounds as if this house has sentimental value to you and I personally wouldn't advise you to book a new place just because your friend is going to be in the same town that same week.

To me, this is a wonderful opportunity to set some clear boundaries. Before your trip you can tell your friend, "I love spending time with you and I'm happy to get together when we get back, but during our beach week, I think we're just going to spend time together as a family. It's our only true family time and we need to take full advantage of it. I hope you understand." You have to be clear so that your friend understands where you are coming from. Remember you don't have to get together with her if you don't want to; you have a choice here. Often we "people please" and then feel resentful. So state what you need upfront and there will be no confusion.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My boss is a complete and total workaholic. Whenever I ask for time off, he gives me a guilt trip. It drives me crazy! Any thoughts?

Signed,
Need a Friggin' Vacation


Dear Need,

It seems to me that your boss is projecting his own feelings onto you. In other words, he's thinking: "I work so hard and never take time off, so why should anyone else?" But this is completely unhealthy. You deserve the time off and legally you're entitled to it. So I'd take all the emotion out of it and just request the dates for your next vacation via email. "Dear Boss, I'd like to request vacation dates from July 2-9. Thank you." Now go and enjoy that well-deserved time off!

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My wife's brother is a construction worker and he offered to help us build an extension on our house for free. The problem is that he's always late: He says he'll be there at 9, and comes at 11 or something like that. It's now been almost three months and we've barely gotten started. I can't stand the mess and want this project completed. Yet I feel guilty because I know I can't really make demands if he's doing the work for free. What can I do?

Signed,
Putting a Wall Up


Dear Putting a Wall Up,

You have two choices here: Lower your expectations for the completion of the work and get the project done for free, or pay for a construction worker and have the project completed faster. I'd say go for the first option because you're dealing with family and you want to keep the relationship up. I know it's annoying to be stuck with someone else's timeframe, especially someone you can't really manage. But remember, this is a favor. If you really can't take it, then my suggestion would be to have your wife talk to her brother and explain the situation. She could say something like this: "Thank you so much, bro, for offering to build our extension. It's getting a little hard to manage things around here with all the construction, so do you think we can get the project completed in the next few months?" If after that, the brother is still working at a snail's pace, then I'd say it's time to talk with your wife about hiring someone else.

All the best,
Kelli

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Editor's Note: This is Kelli's last column. After nearly three years of writing the Ask Kelli advice column for the Cleveland Park Listserv and All Life Is Local, Kelli will be concentrating on other aspects of her career. The advice column will be on a hiatus and will return with a new name and new personality. Thanks, Kelli, for three years of lively and thought-provoking advice.

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays. 

Ask Kelli: Teachers Need Education; Husband Needs Guy Time; Break-up Needs Time to Heal

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), also called Sensory Integration Disorder. He goes to a public elementary school but I’m not sure his teachers fully understand what the disorder is about. Do you think it’s insulting to provide the teachers with literature about it?

Signed,
In the Know


Dear In the Know,

I applaud you for wanting to help the teachers get to know what this disorder is all about, so they can better help your son. But my advice is to approach the principal with this idea first. It’s the principal’s job to manage the teachers and he/she will give you his/her take. I’d bring along the literature for your child's teachers, and if the principal is open to it, I’d have the principal give it to them. Then I think at your next child’s conference you can discuss it with the teachers.

All the best,
Kelli

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Ask Kelli: Stage Fright and Other Awkward Moments

by Kellli Miller

Dear Kelli,

I have a huge presentation to do for work in front of more than fifty people. I’m completely and totally petrified. Any tips on how to get through it?

Signed,
Stage Fright


Dear Stage Fright,

They say that public speaking is the number one fear that people have, and death comes in second place. That tells you that you are not alone! If that old standby, picturing the crowd naked, isn't enough, I have these suggestions for you:

1) Take several minutes to do some deep breathing before you conduct the presentation. The mind follows the breath, and if your breathing is slowed, your presentation will be more focused.

2) If possible, start with a joke. It will help to loosen up both you and the crowd.

3) Tell yourself it’s okay to mess up. Sometimes people become fixated on the fear of messing up. So tell yourself it’s okay if you do. If, during the presentation, you get stuck, you can always say, “Let me take a second to figure out where I was.”

4) Bring a bottle of water on stage and drink from it when you need to think or take a small break.


Break a leg,
Kelli

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Ask Kelli: Serious About Art, About One-Night Stand, About Job Search

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

My 18-year-old son wants to go to art school. My husband and I always said we’d pay for his college but to me this feels worthless. Do I have the right to refuse funding this particular “education?”

Signed,
Not So Artsy


Dear Not So Artsy,

Sorry, I’m in disagreement with you here. You and your husband agreed you would fund his education, whatever that may be. Just because it isn’t what you envisioned doesn’t mean you can renege on the offer. If you think about it, going back on your offer is really saying you don’t respect your son’s choices or believe he’s capable.

So I say pay for his education because 1) You said you would and 2) It’s his chosen field of study.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I’m a male and I have fallen hard for a girl I had a one-night stand with. I think that to her it was just a one-night fling, but I am hoping to get more out of it. Any suggestions on how to let her know I’m serious?

Signed,
Not Just a One-Night Man


Dear Not Just a One-Night Man,

My first question for you is this: How do you know she doesn’t want more? Did she make that clear? If she did, I’d say, give it a few weeks, and then pursue her one more time, but try it this way:

Call her to set up a daytime date: a walk in the park, a visit to a museum, a walk around a lake, etc. That way she won't assume that you are just out to "score" again. Be open and honest about your approach: Tell her that even though you got physical quickly, you’d like to get to know her on an emotional level, and be willing to take it slow from here on out.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I’ve been looking for a job for a long long time. It seems like my resume just keeps getting lost in the shuffle. Could I be doing something wrong? Any tips on how to actually get a job instead of searching for one?

Signed,
Unemployed


Dear Unemployed,

You’re not alone. The economy is the pits right now, so you’re among many when you say you’re searching hard for a job.

Since it’s so hard to actually secure a job, do all you can to network. Find people you know in your field and ask for an informational interview. This way you will have half a foot in the door and make actual contact.

Make your cover letter really stand out. That is, make it funny and catchy, yet professional. A great book on this topic I found is here: http://amzn.to/yU07wm

Finally, hand-deliver your resumes and cover letters, and then follow up by a polite phone inquiry.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays. 

Ask Kelli: Boyfriend Doubts, Astrological Dates, "Me Time" Schedule

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

I’m not sure if my boyfriend of five months is cheating on me or not, but I’d love your insight. We’re together a lot but the few times we’re not, I have noticed a few odd things -- like a long curly hair that is not mine (my hair is straight) or a tampon wrapper in his bathroom trash. He claims that the hair was just random and the tampon must have come from his next-door neighbor, who is married. Apparently, he and his neighbors are good friends, although I’ve never met either one. He’s bought me so many nice things, and I’ve met his family, so I feel assured he likes me. The other thing that worries me is that he refuses for us to have a “title,” though he tells me how much he cares for me. What do you think? Am I just paranoid?

Signed,
Paranoid or Right?


Dear Paranoid or Right,

I believe people have an innate intuition and what gets them into trouble is when they don’t follow that intuition. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.

There is already something of a red flag in your relationship, and I say this objectively, as someone reacting completely as an outsider. The random things you talked about (the hair and tampon wrapper) don’t concern me as much as the fact this man does not want you to have a title. If you are in love or you care enough to want someone to have an ongoing role in your life, you want that person to have a title. Yes, there are exceptions (Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell) but they are rare. When you are in love you can’t imagine sharing that person with anyone else.

This man may care for you (which is why he introduced you to his parents and why he gives you gifts) but it sounds to me as if you are looking for something more than he is willing to give. It also sounds to me as if you don't feel in your heart that you can trust him, but you may be scared to let this relationship go. I’m here to say the quicker you let go, the easier it will be to find someone else who truly loves you.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I have a good friend who is into astrology. She’s single and I get the sense that she’s often avoiding dates because of the man’s astrological sign. I think this is a little extreme. What do you think?

Signed,
Is It in the Stars?


Dear Is It in the Stars,

I think it’s in your friend's head, but how she wants to date is her prerogative. Some people discriminate by race, height, weight, or religion; your friend does it by their birth date.

It may sound kooky to you, but she's an adult and it sounds as if she's set in her beliefs, and one of those beliefs is that someone’s astrological sign can tell a lot about their personality or their compatibility.

She may be missing opportunities in your mind, but in hers, the right one is “destined” to come along.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli

I’m always doing everything for everyone else. I do things for my kids, my husband, my dog, my friends. It seems when I’m done with that I don’t have any time for me. I feel depleted. What can I do?

Signed,
No "Me Time"


Dear No "Me Time",

Make yourself a priority. You’ve done it for everyone else and now it’s time to do it for you. You’re just as important, if not more important, than everyone else. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be fully present for your kids, and you'll be doing them a disservice.

If you keep putting off your "me time", schedule it on your calendar and view it as a mandatory appointment. You can start off slow and just add one to two hours a week for you. Then build up gradually as you feel more comfortable.

You could also write down how your "me time" could benefit the rest of your family. I’m sure you know how it could help you, but seeing how it could help your family will motivate you too.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays. 

Ask Kelli: Spring Cleaning; Break-up After Set-up; Distracting Dog

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

I’m desperate to start my spring cleaning organization but can’t get motivated. Any tips?

Signed,
Want to Spring into Cleaning!


Dear Want to Spring,

I applaud your desire to clean! It’s good you want to clean rather than feeling you have to clean. Sometimes wanting to clean is more motivating than mandatory cleaning. So start writing a list of why you want to clean in the first place and keep this list handy. This will remind you of your goals when you’re feeling tired or overwhelmed. Second, buy an egg timer and set it for 20 minutes (or whatever feels right to you). You can most likely do some sort of cleaning task for 20 minutes without feeling inundated. Third, tackle one room at a time. If you start organizing one section in the kitchen and then go on to something in the living room, you’ll probably feel more disorganized. So stick with one room and complete it before moving on to another. Finally, give up the idea of having the “perfect” clean house. Clean to the best of your ability, not to the notion that the President will be coming for the weekend.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I set up one of my girlfriends with a guy that my husband went to business school with. They hit it off great and were dating for several weeks when all of a sudden he called it quits. It was definitely out of the blue. She said he ended up not being very nice in the end. She is of course devastated, and I feel responsible. I’m not sure what went wrong!

Signed,
Feeling Responsible


Dear Feeling Responsible,

We’re all adults in this situation. Both parties understood that there were no guarantees either way. Just because you set the two of them up initially doesn’t mean you are responsible for the course of their relationship.

It sounds to me as if you've been taken by surprise by your husband’s friend’s behavior and wonder if you misjudged his character. That’s a possibility, but it's also possible that your husband's friend just didn't feel the chemistry with your friend. Either way, don’t worry about it. When people initiate set-ups, their only responsibility is to introduce both parties; the couple takes it from there.

Try and let it go. Just buy your friend a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I have a therapist I adore. She’s highly professional, except for one small thing: She brings her dog into the office. She says because she works such long days she doesn’t want the dog home by himself. I just find it distracting when I’m pouring my heart out, and the dog is wandering around or chewing a toy or playing in his bed. Can I say something to her about this?

Signed,
Chew on This!


Dear Chew on This,

Therapists do best when their clients are open and honest with them. It’s good modeling and it’s great to show you are setting boundaries. So yes, I would absolutely share your concerns with this therapist. Tell her you really like your relationship but find the dog distracting. Perhaps your therapist can have a dog walker come before your appointment or find some other alternative to keeping the dog in her office. Your comments may alert her to the perspective that having a dog present isn't so great for her practice. Either way, if she doesn’t accommodate you, I would suggest looking for a new therapist.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.    

Ask Kelli: Obsessing About Office Mate; Repeating 2nd Grade, Charging Dog Walker for Vet Bill

by Kelli Miller

Hi Kelli,

I recently found out that this wonderful man that I work with and have known for almost two years is in love with me. No worries -- we sit on different floors. I feel like an idiot for not acknowledging this for so long. He is like an answer to my prayers. But I am a hopeless romantic and I fall in love too easily, and get obsessed with a person once I am in love. How can I help myself to control my obsessive thoughts, behavior and desires for this man? I want: to call him every day, or see him every day, talk to him every day! I want to be able to focus on my work while I am in the office, and not daydream about him all day long. Also, he is still seeing someone casually. I get the fact he is a single man, and getting to know me does not mean he will have to stop seeing other people right away; it is a process ... but it really bothers me. Also, keep in mind that I have been celibate for over eight years. I am forty, and I know that my age is adding to my impatience and my anxiousness. Please HELP!!

Always grateful for your column!

Signed,
Obsessed With Man


Dear Obsessed With Man,

I believe it's pretty normal to have “obsessive” thoughts when you fall in love. Here's what you need to worry about: Are the thoughts making your life unmanageable? In other words, are you able to work without constantly being interrupted by thoughts about this guy? If the answer is no, then you may benefit from talking to a therapist about how to control these thoughts. If you think it's something you can manage on your own, here are a few good tips I hope will help:

1) Allow yourself ten minutes a day just to think about this guy. Obsess to your heart's desire. Then you’re done for the day. When you find your thoughts drifting back to him after your ten minutes are up, remind yourself you’ve had your fill.

2) Distract yourself. Take a walk. Knit. Listen to music.

3) Call a friend to vent.

4) Keep your thoughts in a journal.  

5) Try to be in the moment. It’s easy to get caught up in the “I wonder if he’ll call, if he likes me” mood.  Just stay with what is happening now. Take ten deep breaths to bring your mind back to the present.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My son is very bright. At least I think so. His elementary school principal had a talk with me the other day and told me that he believes my son should repeat second grade. I believe he’s very smart and this is not necessary. I don’t want to come off as the parent in denial but I really don’t think that’s the right move for him. How should I respond?

Signed,
Not Holding Him Back

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Dear Not Holding Him Back,

I’d first ask plenty of questions of the principal. For example, “What are your primary concerns that lead you to think he isn't ready for third grade? and “Where do you feel my son needs extra support?” It sounds as if you're not sure why the principal is making this recommendation. Keep in mind that it may not be about his intelligence but another factor, such as emotional maturity or social development behind this recommendation. You need to know exactly why he is making this call.

However your follow-up conversation goes, I would also advise you to get a second opinion. Perhaps you could go to a developmental pediatrician or have a child psychologist observe him in school. It will be helpful to have the advice of an expert when it comes time to make a decision about his education next year.

I believe once you have more information you can make a more informed decision

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I adore my dog walker. She’s been with us for over seven years. The other day, however, she was playing catch with my dog (I wasn’t home) and she said he cut his foot on a twig when he was running. She took him to the vet who stapled the cut and gave him antibiotics. She didn’t offer to pay. Do I take it out of her salary?

Signed,
Walking a Fine Line


Dear Walking a Fine Line,

No, I don’t believe you should take it out of her salary. Your dog had an accident, and unless you think she wasn't telling the truth about how it happened, it was not her fault. It could have happened to anyone. If she’s a loyal worker and has treated your family well, I wouldn’t question her judgment. It sounds to me as if she did the prudent thing and took him to the vet.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.    

Ask Kelli: Rude Friend, Distracted Mom, Nerdy Guys

by Kelli Miller

Hi Kelli,

I’m about to embark on a cruise. For months I've been saving up for this and so I'm really excited about it. My close friend, however, said something really rude when I told her I had officially reached my savings goal for the trip. She said, “I wouldn’t spend my money on getting seasick!” I thought she understood that this trip means a lot to me, and that saving the money was an accomplishment; so her little comment really hurt me. Am I wrong to feel insulted?

Signed,
Friend Rocking the Boat


Dear Friend Rocking the Boat,

You have a right to feel the way you do, and there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings.

Objectively, the comment wasn’t nice, given that you had told your friend how much you’ve been looking forward to the trip.

Could it be that your friend is jealous that you can spend so much money on a vacation? Not knowing your friend, I can only guess at what might have prompted the comment. However, it could be that she just blurted out her reaction to the idea of a cruise, which doesn't appeal to her personally. In that case, you should probably forget about it. We all have different tastes, different likes and dislikes. 

Of course, she shouldn't have rained on your parade, but don't let her remark influence your enthusiasm for the trip. Focus your attention back to your excitement about the cruise. To get you back in the spirit, maybe you can review the itinerary again or look online at the ship’s layout. You’ve saved up for this and now it’s time to enjoy it!

Bon voyage,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My son is now five, old enough for me to drop him off at a playdate and actually leave. Yay! My problem is that there's a little girl he really adores, but every time I see the girl’s mom, she’s on her cell phone, either texting or talking. I mean every single time! I worry that if I drop my son off at her house, the mom will not really be supervising them. How do I know for sure?

Signed,
The Mom's a Cell Phone Addict


Dear Mom's a Cell Phone Addict,

You really won’t know for sure unless you’re a fly on the wall. So my first thought is for you to try and have most playdates at your house. If your son asks to go to the girl's house, ask the girl’s mom if she wants to hang out while the kids play. This way, you won’t be depriving your son of fun time at the girl’s house and you can know for sure the kids are being watched properly.

I’d be careful about voicing your concerns directly to the mom, however. She may feel insulted, and you run the risk of ruining your son’s friendship with the little girl. So if you want your son to enjoy these playdates but also be sure that he's well supervised, I'm afraid you're going to have to have them at your house, or stay  with him at the little girl's house.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I’m what people consider a nice girl. So evidently I attract the super nice but very nerdy guys. I just don’t have the heart to say no when they ask me out. The problem is, when I agree to go out with someone who's nice but not attractive to me, I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. What is a nice way to say no?

Signed,
Wish I Were Not Quite So Polite


Dear Wish,

Before I give you advice on how to say no, just remember that nerds make the best husbands. I say that because sometimes we get an idea stuck in our heads about what our mate should be like, when we'd be better off keeping an open mind. I actually think it’s great you’re at least going out on a first date with these guys, because you honestly never know how you might feel about a guy until you give him a chance.

Okay, now that I’ve given you my pitch for open-mindedness, I will concede that there are times when you know you are just not interested. And if you're sure that's how you feel, then there is no point in wasting anyone’s time. So a simple, “Thank you so much but I’m not interested” is a nice but direct way to turn a gentleman down. You have to keep in mind that you’re probably not the first person to turn this guy down and there is a chance you aren’t going to be the last. I know you don't want to hurt the guy's feelings, but with a relative stranger, it's fine for you to consider your own feelings first. If the gentleman persists, you can always say, “I’m sorry but I just don’t feel the chemistry.” No one can argue with that!

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.    

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Ask Kelli: Talking About Tough Topics (Money & Weight)

by Kelli Miller

Hi Kelli,

A while back I asked my husband if we could spend money on a party planner for an event we’re having. I gave him a ballpark price of how much she would charge, and he agreed. Well, the party planner just left my house, and the estimate is about three times what I had anticipated. It’s not her fault; I just thought it would be far fewer hours. She has already done so much of the work that I can’t back out now. I’m terrified to talk to my husband. We already have so many other more important expenses. Do I not tell him and just write her a check?

Signed,
Nervous Party-Giver


Dear Nervous Party-Giver,

While it might seem that the easiest way out of this situation is to write a check to the party planner and pray your husband doesn’t see it, it's also the sneakiest, riskiest, and most likely plan to backfire. So, no, I wouldn’t suggest trying to hide the cost from your husband. You honestly thought the party planner's bill would be much lower but you misjudged the amount of time she was spending on the job. You're an adult and you need to own up to what the price turned out to be. And that means having an honest conversation with your husband.

One of the useful tips I have learned is to show your husband you’re trying to mend the situation. That means explaining to him that you’re:

1) Trying to negotiate a better rate from the party planner from this point on. (And really try your best to do this. It can’t hurt and it could help a lot!)

2) Scaling back on any items in the party budget that you still have the chance to reduce.

3) Cutting back on other elective spending that you do (for clothing, jewelry, entertainment, whatever your vice is).

4) Making sure to be more vigilant in the future about keeping track of costs, because of this experience.

All the best,
Kelli 

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Dear Kelli,

I’m so jealous of all my girlfriends who always look so trendy and pretty. I just can’t afford to keep up with the latest fashions. I mean I can’t even afford $35 tops at Marshalls. Is there anything I can do to still look cute?

Signed,
In Need of Fashion Help on a Budget


Dear In Need,

Yes, you can take your current pieces and just snazz them up a bit. I’m thinking you could buy a few cute pieces of fun jewelry from a place like Old Navy ($10-$12) and add them to your current wardrobe. A chunky necklace can work with simple tops, and dangly earrings can make a normal outfit a bit more glamorous. Finally, a wide black belt with a big buckle can work with a variety of outfits and make you look more trendy. You can probably find one for $15 or so at Target.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I’m extremely thin, and always have been my whole life. It’s just my body type. But I can’t tell you how many people either think I’m anorexic or “wish they could have that body.” What they don’t realize is that I don’t actually like being so thin. Clothes fall off me, and I certainly don’t feel sexy. So when people say how jealous they are of my thinness, I feel invalidated and frustrated. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Signed,
Hate Being Thin


Dear Hate Being Thin,

Being thin is certainly overvalued in our society; so I imagine when these people make comments about your body, they truly believe you have it easier because you’re thin. So why not clue them in? Let people know what it is you don't like about being underweight. (Most people are only aware of the problems of being overweight.) People can only understand how you are feeling if you tell them how you are feeling.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.  

Ask Kelli: Barking Dogs, Smelly Cats, Cheating Friend

by Kelli Miller


Hi Kelli

My neighbors have two young dogs, both under a year, I think. The dogs are barking quite a bit, at all hours of the day and night. I have met the neighbors but we are not close. What is a reasonable time to ask for quiet? 10pm until 7am? Their barking is interrupting our sleep, not to mention our peace and quiet, and we would love to resolve this before spring comes with open window season.

Signed,
Quiet Please!


Dear Quiet Please!

I absolutely agree that it's reasonable to ask the neighbors to keep their dogs quiet between 10 pm and 7 am. I know it’s uncomfortable to ask your neighbors, especially ones you don’t know well, to quiet their pets, but it is perfectly acceptable to do so.

I’m wondering if you can approach it as a problem you can brainstorm with them to solve. You could propose something like this: “Hi Betty. My partner and I are having some problems falling asleep at night because of the noise of your dogs. Perhaps we can come up with a plan together that will keep them from barking between the hours of 10 pm and 7 am?”

That way you’re working out the problem together and the neighbor is less likely to get defensive. You will also be able to follow up if they don't stick to the plan you agreed to, or if the dogs are still barking, and a more effective approach is needed.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My friend has six cats. Yes, six. Talk about crazy cat lady! Well, I’d go to her house more often, but the cats pee and poop everywhere, not just in the litter box. It’s disgusting. How do I tell her why I don’t come over her house more often?

Signed,
Not Crazy for Cats

Dear Not Crazy,

How do you tell her? Be honest about it: "I love being with you and I’d come over more but I'm really grossed out by the cat feces and urine in your house." It sounds like she needs a reality check to understand that these conditions are not just unpleasant but also unsanitary. Your friend may be offended, but I have a feeling you’re not the only one turning down invitations. Hopefully the truth will resonate with her and she’ll make some needed changes.


All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

A friend of mine has a wonderful boyfriend who is kind to her and treats her well. The problem is that she has cheated on him (he doesn’t know) and is constantly talking about other guys that she has “crushes” on. I feel horrible for her boyfriend because he’s a decent guy and deserves better. But my allegiance is to my friend. How can I help her to see how great he is? And that she is going to lose him if she doesn’t shape up?

Signed,
Keep That Man


Dear Keep that Man,

It’s very hard when you see a friend doing the wrong thing, especially to a nice guy. But the hard truth is we can only change ourselves, not anybody else. So realize you can try and talk to your friend, but she is who she is and she is going to live her own life.

With that said, you can gently tell your friend you believe her boyfriend is solid gold and she’s very lucky to have him. I’d probably leave it at that, because you don’t want your friend to get defensive or let your opinion of their relationship affect yours. On some level I’m sure she knows what she’s doing isn’t right.

But maybe it’s time to question your relationship with your friend. Are her morals and values ones that resonate with you? It doesn’t sound like it to me. So it might be a good time to take a look at your relationship and see if this is really a solid, lasting friendship.

All the best,
Kelli 

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.  

Ask Kelli: Secret Smoker, Disorganized Designer, Laid-off Friend

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

I’ve been dating this gentleman for a few months now. When I met him he was a smoker. I’ve since convinced him to quit . . . or so I thought. I’ve noticed he still reeks of smoke on occasion, and I’ve found a lighter on the passenger seat in his car. Do I confront him?

Signed,
Just Quit It


Dear Just Quit It,

I believe you can talk to him about it but the trick is to do it delicately. If your boyfriend is smoking in secret, he’s obviously ashamed and the last thing you want to do is make him feel more shamed. On the other hand, you don’t want your boyfriend lying to you.

So I’d give him the opportunity to come clean. You can say, “I really like you, Steve, and want to support you the best I can. I noticed a lighter in your car the other day, and there have been times when I've smelled smoke on your clothes. I’m not sure if you've started smoking again and are embarrassed about it, but I want to support you and have honest communication about this. Are you still smoking?”

If he admits it, you can again emphasize that you want him to be honest with you and not feel sneak around. See if he’s ready to try quitting again and ask what you can do to help support him in that decision. If he doesn’t admit to smoking but it’s obvious he’s smoking (you’ve seen him do it with your own eyes), it might be time to call it quits. You want a boyfriend who will be honest with you.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I’ve heard great things about an interior designer. Actually, she was recommended by two friends. My problem is that she's flaked out on me: She was supposed to email me back but never did, so I called her a week ago but haven’t heard back. Do I give up on her and look for someone else? I still think she does great work.

Signed,
Need a Designer


Dear Need a Designer,

I would suggest that you ask the two friends who recommended the designer if she was responsible when they contacted her. If the designer was responsible and they both say they had no trouble communicating with her, then perhaps something is going on in her life at the moment and she can’t get back to you. In that case, I'd say try again in another week.

If your friends agree she’s flakey, then at least you know what you’re dealing with! The question then is: Can you handle dealing with someone like that? Does her talent for design outweigh the communication frustrations?

If you think the answer to that question is yes, then you might want to work with her, despite her poor response record. In that case, you should ask your friends for their advice on the best way to stay in touch with her. Some people return phone but never check their email, while others are constant email checkers and never check their phone messages. Figure out her preferred method of communication. Second, use humor if you need to bring up her problems responding: “Hey, did you get run over by a truck? I haven’t heard back from you.” Third, set deadlines. “Sandy, I need to get this living room finished by January 30. Do you think you could have the wallpaper picked out by then?” Finally, be realistic in your expectations. If she’s slow to respond, be prepared for her to be slow to perform. If you tell her you would like your house done by January 30, have in mind a more likely finishing date of March 30 (but don't let her know that, or you could well end up with a finishing date two months after that!)

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My best friend’s husband just got laid off two weeks ago. I know this because a mutual friend of ours works at the company and told me. We’re going out to dinner on Saturday night. Usually I ask him about work. Do I not ask him? Or do I pretend I don’t know?

Signed,
Keep My Mouth Shut?


Dear Keep My Mouth Shut,

I wouldn’t say anything. A simple, “How are you, Jeff?” is open-ended enough so that he can answer if he feels comfortable or say he’s fine if he that's all he wants to say. I’d let your friend’s husband take the lead on this one and you sit back. When he is ready to share the news, he will -- or your friend will. Until then, talk about yourself!

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.  

Ask Kelli: Conveying the Right Message Under Difficult Circumstances

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

I’m a college student home on winter break. Over Thanksgiving break I had unprotected sex with an older man from my neighborhood, and I think I might be pregnant. I don't know who to turn to because my parents know this man. If it turns out I am pregnant, I don't know if I should confront this man or not. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Confused


Dear Confused,

The first thing you should do is take a blood test to confirm whether you are actually pregnant. You can do this confidentially at Planned Parenthood or another similar facility. If at all possible, enlist a good friend to go with you. You need support right now.

If you are pregnant, I’d say absolutely talk to the man with whom you’ve had relations. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and in all honestly, this man needs to take responsibility for his part in this situation. You can decide to keep it confidential from your parents until you’re ready.

Since you are over 18, you have to remember you don’t need your parents' permission or approval about your potential pregnancy. If you are pregnant, you can ask them to support you on your decision. In the meantime, I would highly recommend talking to a counselor at your college or someone at Planned Parenthood. That’s what they are there for!

All the best
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I give my babysitter simple directions like “Wake the baby up” or “Feed the baby peas,” and I come home and find that she hasn’t followed them. I don’t get why! My instructions make sense. English isn’t her first language but she always nods as if she gets what I’m saying. I like her and my baby is comfortable with her. Do I look for a new sitter?

Signed,
Not Sure She Understands


Dear Not Sure,

It’s possible your sitter might not have the fluency in English needed to get what you're saying but she is too embarrassed to ask you for clarification.

Just because your babysitter nods, that doesn’t automatically mean she understands. If you like her and feel she’s good with your baby, perhaps you could write your instructions down and translate them into her native language? You could also use gestures or put out the peas and point. I’d go with the assumption she can’t understand, rather than assume she is disregarding your instructions intentionally.

So try my translation suggestion for a few days and see if that solves the problem. If not, I’d look for someone else. You can find someone who is both good with your child and understands your requests.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I just started a 12-step program near me. It was a big meeting, maybe fifty people. Well, one lady started to share and I noticed it was my best friend’s mother! I felt so embarrassed and didn’t know if I should approach her, avoid her, or what. What do you suggest?

Signed,
12 Stepper


Dear 12 Stepper,

Yes, it’s true 12 step meetings are anonymous but not to the people in them! You may have been surprised to recognize your best friend’s mother but I’m sure she was just as surprised to see you.

I'd say you should go ahead and approach your friend's mom the next time you see her. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable or avoid the meetings because of her. You could simply say “Hi” and then remind her that you’ll keep everything confidential, including to your best friend, and you trust she will do the same.

All the best, 

Kelli

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On the lighter side, here's a reader's practical solution to the problem in last week's column of the hand-made statue given as a gift to someone who loved her friend who made it but thought the statue was too ugly to display:

Regarding the statue, you neglected the easiest remedy of all: Statues fall and get broken all the time!

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.  

Ask Kelli: Wife Wants to Talk; Friend Wants to Hide Gift; Daughter-In-Law Wants Weight Comments to Stop

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

It seems whenever I talk to my husband about something serious or something I’m upset about he doesn’t really respond. He always says, “Can we talk about it later?” It’s so frustrating. I'm getting the message that he doesn’t want to have serious conversations and only wants light and superficial talks. What can I do?

Signed,
Seriously Need to Talk


Dear Seriously Need to Talk,

My first piece of advice is to figure out the best time to talk to your husband. I’m guessing it’s on the weekend when stresses are at the lowest. If you’re approaching your husband immediately after work or when he’s sitting down to watch his favorite show, he is probably not going to be as receptive. So the timing is the first thing you need to figure out.

Second, hold him accountable. If you’ve chosen a good time and he’s still shutting you down, ask him when a good time would be. Get him pin down an exact time and date.

Finally, offer a fun plan or activity afterward. You can say something like, “I know it isn’t fun to talk about X but after we're done, we'll go out to that movie you've been wanting to see." It would be especially good if you agreed to do something he particularly likes that you have not been keen to do.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My good friend gave me a statue for Christmas that she made herself. It was kind of her...but Kelli, it’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen! I have put it on my desk to show my appreciation (she comes over a lot) but honestly, I can’t stand to look at it. We obviously have different tastes. I’d like to take it down but I don’t want to insult her.

What do you suggest?

Signed,
Hide It?


Dear Hide It,

You’re right, it was kind of your friend to create this piece for you, and this is a delicate matter. First, remember it was given out of love. So maybe your first step is to look beyond the aesthetics of the statue and remember the idea behind it: that your friend treasures your relationship and appreciates you. But if that's not enough to get you to keep the statue in sight, you could try either of these two strategies:

First, keep the statue up for another few weeks and then switch it to an inconspicuous location. 

Or: Keep the statue up for another few weeks and then take it down. But be prepared for when your friend asks you where it is. Tell her sincerely that you very much value the statue as something she created for you, and you love her for making it, but you don't think it's right for your desk. Even though you're not displaying it, tell her you'll always keep it and treasure it as you treasure your friendship -- and hope she is a good enough friend to understand that this is about differences in aesthetic tastes and nothing more.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My mother-in-law will sometimes make comments about my weight. I’m not skinny but I’m definitely not obese. I’d probably say I’m chubby. My husband loves me the way I am. And I’m actually okay with my body. But my mother-in-law will make inappropriate comments, such as, “Should you be eating that?” or “Don’t you want to lose weight?” I usually just smile and suck it up but it's starting to get to me. I don’t want to ruin our relationship but I really can’t take these hurtful comments anymore.

Signed,
Okay with My Weight


Dear Okay with Your Weight,

You are okay with your weight and you have to remember it’s your mother-in-law who isn’t. Which translates to: She’s not happy with a part of herself. If your mother-in-law was truly secure, she wouldn’t be pointing out other people’s weight. I say this so you don’t internalize her comments.

This is a job for your husband. When dealing with mothers-in-law, I say always defer to the husband (and vice-versa for him). I’d keep yourself out of it and advise your husband to say: “Mom, I overheard you say…” rather than “Kim told me you said this…”

The important point here is that it is out of line for your mother-in-law to be making these kinds of comments. Your husband should tell her that both he and you are happy with who you are, and she needs to be as well. He should let her know that you both love your mother-in-law but her comments are hurtful and inappropriate. He should be clear that this topic is off-limits and make sure that she has gotten the message.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.  

Ask Kelli: Holiday Blues, Crazy M-I-L, Tardy Dad

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

This time during the holidays/New Year always feels so hard for me. It feels like I’m the only one who's depressed, while everyone else is in a great mood and full of “holiday cheer.” I'm having a hard time talking about this with others. I even felt ashamed to write to you confidentially. I don’t even know what I’m asking for, I guess just want to know if I’m the only one?

Signed,
Mr. Depressed Grinch


Dear Mr. Depressed Grinch,

A therapist friend of mine tells me this is her busiest time of the year. Coincidence? I don’t think so. This time, although it may seem like it’s jolly, is hard on a lot of people. It can be lonely, isolating, and difficult. The pressure of “feeling the holiday spirit” can make one even more depressed, and ashamed of the feeling. So please know you are not alone. I would strongly encourage you to speak with a therapist. This won't be the first time the therapist has dealt with this problem. Or at least reach out to a trusted friend. You shouldn’t go through this difficult time alone and you might be surprised by how much people can relate to what you’re feeling.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

Simply put, my mother-in-law is crazy! I don’t mean, crazy ha ha. I mean, mentally ill crazy. I find that she's she’s volatile (one minute happy, one minute yelling), impulsive, dramatic, and not trustworthy. The more I’m with her, the more opportunity for her to get mad at us for something. My question is, how can I maintain a relationship with someone like that? My husband does want some sort of relationship.

Signed,
Tough Spot


Dear Tough Spot,

I understand your dilemma. I believe there is a way to handle this relationship: Keep it simple by maintaining a  very low-key and superficial relationship, with minimal contact. I’d encourage you to be polite and kind when you do see your mother-in-law but realize you’re dealing with someone who isn’t in her right mind. So do your best to keep things light. Give the briefest responses to her questions: “We’re doing fine," "work is good" and so on. Avoid giving her too much detail. You write thank-you notes for gifts and you send pictures once in awhile but you limit contact to necessities only.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My dad is always late. Growing up, it was frustrating for me, but as an adult, it’s even more annoying. I ask him to come at 4 pm, he gets there at 4:45 or 5 pm. It’s to the point where I don’t even want to see him if he won't make the effort to show up on time. Do I just not have contact with him? He’s a great person otherwise, that’s the frustrating thing.

Signed,
He's Always Late for Important Dates

Dear He's Always Late,

I think not having contact is way too harsh, especially since you say he’s a great person otherwise. If tardiness is his main flaw, you can work around it. This is not to excuse this behavior, but I’ve learned that some people just don’t have a great sense of time (when to leave the house, how long it will take to get to the destination, and so on). It’s a skill and some people just aren’t good at it. So he may not be punctual but it doesn’t make him a bad person -- just not great at scheduling his time.

You can’t change your dad, but you can change your attitude about his lateness. First you need to accept that he will almost always be late. It's disappointing but it's the way he is. So just expect every time you arrange a date that he will be late.

Second, trying giving him a buffer time. If you want him somewhere at 4 pm, tell him to meet you there at 3 or 3:15 pm.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays. 

Ask Kelli: Unflattering Glasses; Unequal Presents; Mom's Untrue Birth Story

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

My wife recently got new glasses. They are hideous! I’m normally not particular but the ones she picked are really just awful. Do I say something to her?

Signed,
She’s Definitely Blind


Dear She’s Definitely Blind,

This is a sticky situation and the answer to your question depends on the answers to my questions:

1) Did she seek your opinion? If so, feel free to be polite but honest. (“Honey, you’re beautiful. And I’m thinking there could be other styles that would be more flattering.”)

2) Has she mentioned she likes them and is happy? If so, there are two ways to deal with this one. The first is to keep your mouth shut and let her be happy. A happy wife is a happy life! However, if you really can’t stand the sight of the glasses on her, you should take the second approach: Tell your wife you want her to be happy but you’d love to see her second or third choice. Gently suggest that these frames are not the right choice for shape of face. (By the way, some opticians give you thirty days to bring glasses back and choose another frame if you decide you are unhappy with your choice.)

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I got my neighbor a holiday gift that cost me $15. (I always give my presents early.) She came back and gave me a $75 gift certificate. I feel so guilty. Is it necessary to go out and buy her something else?

Signed,
Thought That Counts?


Dear Thought That Counts,

No, I don’t believe it’s necessary to get an additional gift. It was very kind of your neighbor to spend so much money on you. I think a beautiful handwritten thank- you note would be absolutely perfect (and maybe an offer to shovel their steps when it snows).

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I have a friend who adopted her child. I know this for a fact because I was friends with her when she went through the adoption process and got her child. It’s really strange, though: Now when we have playdates with preschool mothers and we talk about our births, pregnancies, and so on, she chimes right in and says “Yeah, when I gave birth…” I’m flabbergasted. Is this mental health behavior or do you think she’s just trying to fit in with the other moms?

Signed,
Not Sure If Friend Is Crazy


Dear Not Sure If Friend Is Crazy,

I wish I could answer your question but I believe it would take a psychological evaluation to get to the bottom of this behavior. You should also consider whether your friend has been acting strangely in other areas or just in response to questions about pregnancy and childbearing? If you have noticed other odd behaviors, you would definitely be acting as a good friend if you were to suggest that she seek counseling. If it's just in this limited situation, that suggests to me that she feels insecure about her son's adoption and so has invented a birth story to try to fit in with the crowd.

Since you’ve directly heard her tell this lie, you could say to her privately, “Bonnie, if you ever want to talk about Rick’s adoption I’m always here. I can imagine it must be hard at times to hear other moms talk about their pregnancies when you didn’t go through that.”

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author ofProfessor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and theCleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays. 

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Ask Kelli Is on Vacation This Week

Kelli Miller, the advice columnist for All Life Is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, is taking a week off. She will be back next Wednesday, December 21st.

Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.