Dear Kelli,
I’m four months pregnant and one of my dear friends keep saying, “Wow! You’re getting so big!” every time I see her. I hate this statement. I think it’s rude and embarrassing. Is it rude in return to tell her I don’t appreciate those comments?
Signed,
“Big” Pregnant Lady
Dear “Big” Pregnant Lady,
Just to play devil’s advocate here, I'm wondering if your friend’s comment is her way of sharing in your excitement. Just stay with me here. I have a feeling your friend doesn’t mean harm or rudeness. It’s her way of saying, “Wow, this baby is becoming more and more of a reality every time I see you!” I can see your point in how it can be frustrating to hear that statement repeatedly, but maybe, just maybe, try to look at it from a more optimistic viewpoint. It is your “dear friend” after all!
That isn’t to say you can’t say something about it. I would approach her with something like this: “Tracy, I’m feeling a bit self-conscious these days. I’m telling everyone I know if they wouldn’t mind not making any comments about my body. Thanks for understanding.”
That’s it. No need to single her out or make a big deal about it.
Congratulations!
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My cousin plans to visit next month. The thing is, she wants to stay for four weeks. (She’s thinking of relocating to the DC area). I didn’t have the heart to say no but I know this is way beyond my limit. I already committed and I know she’s bought her plane tickets. How do I get out of it?
Signed,
Overstayed Welcome Already
Dear Overstayed Welcome Already,
Here’s a great trick I learned and one you can use for the future. If someone puts you on the spot with a question you don’t know how to answer, you simply say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” I have a feeling your cousin asked you and on the spot you replied, “Okay, sure!” Then the reality set it. So for the future, don’t be afraid to take your time in answering a difficult question. This way you have the time to think about what you really can handle.
I certainly agree with you that a month is a long time for a house guest. And I absolutely understand your frustration and fear of having a guest that long. But the truth is that you already committed to your cousin. So I believe you have to bite the bullet on this one and have her stay the entire month. (If your cousin hadn’t already purchased her tickets, then maybe I’d suggest talking to her about having a shorter stay, but I believe it’s too late for that and it would put a strain on your relationship to say something now.)
At this point you can just take some precautions to alleviate feeling overwhelming and crowded during her visit. If you have the room, put your cousin up in a place that gives you maximum privacy (e.g., a basement room, a guest room, etc.). Set up some ground rules upfront. A couple of examples: “I usually go to bed around 11pm, so just turn off the lights when you are done in the living room." "In the late evening we make sure the TV volume is never above X level.") Establish what you plan to do about food: Are you paying for her or having her split the costs? Check in with other friends a few times a week so you don’t feel resentful of your cousin for taking over your social life. Finally, take this as a great lesson learned!
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I'd like your advice. I have the urge to cross-dress for Halloween, as well as occasionally outside of that. I would like to cross-dress as a wealthy young woman, and I have a few other fantasy ideas, including being Cleopatra, a dominatrix, and going for a more conservative look, too. I live with my widowed mother --I am 35 myself-- and she got upset a few years back when she first found out that I wanted to cross-dress. She found out because I was planning to rent a limo for Halloween so that I could impersonate a wealthy woman, which is my goal; I would like to go for the complete package, which means hiring a makeup artist and renting a hotel room or mansion. What can I do regarding my mom? Ask her to support me or ignore it?
Signed,
In Dis-dress
Dear In Dis-dres,
This is how I see it (and I would definitely advise you to think about this thoroughly before you make a rash decision): You can either approach the cross-dressing in either of two ways:
1) Continue to be discreet about it.
2) Be completely open with your mom about it so you can live more freely.
If you choose number one, you just live your life as you like when your mom isn't around or when she's asleep. It's simple. She doesn't have to know, nor is it necessary to tell her. It makes things a bit more difficult because you have to sneak around, but if you'd rather have her not find out, then you have to do it on your own time.
If you choose number two, I'd approach it this way: "Mom, I know you saw me a few years back in an unusual outfit. I know this isn't the typical conversation for a mother and son to have, but I feel close to you and I want to be honest about my life. I do like to cross-dress. I know it's not the norm, and I can understand how you'd feel strange about the situation. But I'm telling you because I'd like to continue doing something I enjoy, and not have to hide it when I'm around you. I understand this might take awhile to get used to, so I will be patient with you while you adjust."
I’d also suggest family counseling so you can both feel more comfortable.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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