Dear Kelli,
I’m having some job issues and I’m hoping you’ll help me. I got fired from my last job because of someone in my own administration who hates me and went against me. I never did anything to him. I bought him food when he came to work hungry and I had something to eat. The management has an attire policy for males that requires a shirt and tie. He had one tie that he owned and I had tons, and I gave him some so he would have something appropriate to wear. Long story short: He gave me a bad review and I got fired.
I’m miserable and wondering why this is impacting me so much. I'm still not over this. Why has it been so hard? Why do I feel so defeated when I know I didn't deserve what I got?
Thanks for your help.
Signed,
Fired and P'd Off
Dear Fired and P'd Off,
First, let me validate your feelings. A loss of a job is like any loss. It’s 100 percent normal to feel anger, sadness, hurt, and confusion. I always encourage my clients to really “grieve” this loss . I’m betting you haven’t allowed yourself to fully grieve. It’s easy to shove all feelings aside and convince yourself this isn’t an issue worthy of grieving. But a job, in a sense, is like a relationship. And you lost a relationship and it ended without your permission. So of course you will feel all the emotions you are describing: anger, sadness, hurt, and more.
The reason this is impacting you so much is that you still aren’t over it. That’s okay. I believe it takes time. Every day will get easier and easier. Once you fully work through your pain, I have a feeling you’ll slowly be able to move on.
My first piece of advice is to take the next week to grieve the job. The next two days I want you to give yourself permission to be fully upset about this job. If you feel your mind saying, “Why are you sad? It’s been a while, It’s not a big deal, blah, blah, blah,” just gently remind yourself you have two full days to be upset without any judgment. You are fully allowed.
Next, after the two days are up, I want you to write an angry letter. You can choose to read it to someone or not. I would like for you to write an angry letter about what happened, what you are feeling, how you feel it wasn’t fair, how upset you’ve been, etc. You can address it to a specific person (at whom you are angry) or just to the “Administration.” Of course, I don’t advise you to send it. It’s just to process your own hurt. Curse, scream, say whatever is on your mind. Then I’d like for you to burn it. It’s your sign of closure and will be probably be very cathartic.
Next, I want you to write a list of why you think this happened from a spirituality point of view. Try to not see yourself a victim. Do you believe its possible that for some reason you aren’t meant to have this job anymore? Are you supposed to have another job -- perhaps a better one? New friends? What types of lessons do you think you can learn from this?
Finally, think about another incident in your life which you felt was extremely challenging but realized later you were happy that it happened. What was it? You didn’t understand why it was happening at the time, right? But you someone got through it? How? Sometimes it helps to reflect on a past incident that allows you to see your growth.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My good female friend has no problem picking her toenails in front of me, popping her zits, fixing her bra strap, scraping her tongue with one of those tongue scraper things, etc. What’s the deal? Does she not get that some things are better done in private?
Signed,
Friend’s a Bit Too Comfortable
Dear Friend’s a Bit Too Comfortable,
The good news is that your friend obviously feels very safe and comfortable in front of you. The bad news is that she obviously has no idea of what is inappropriate, even for a close friend to see.
I’m thinking in a situation like this, you may be able to enlighten her. You could even do it with humor. Next time she pulls one of her “beauty” rituals, I’d say, in a "Valley Girl" voice: “Ewww. Tina. Dude. What’s the deal? My lunch just came up. Do you think you can do that in the bathroom?” If you aren’t comfortable with comedy voice , you could try giving a simple reason for her not to do gross things in front of you, saying something like, “You know…. the light in the bathroom may be better for you if you want to do that. Plus, it’s more private.” If she won't take that sort of hint, then it's time to pull out the big gun of bluntness. “Tina, I love you to death. But girl, some things are better left in the private. Do you mind keeping your toe/nail/tongue scraping/zit popping on the down low? Thanks.”
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m disagreeing with a friend on a specific issue. I'm getting calls from a guy I’m just not interested in. Do I call him back even though I don’t like him? Or do I just ignore his call?
Signed,
Don’t Want to Be That Girl
Dear Don’t Want to Be That Girl,
You could ignore his calls. But then you run the risk of having a persistent fellow who keeps on calling and calling and calling. Or you may run the risk of making the guy think you’re playing hard to get, that you’re the type that needs to be wooed, or that he’s just had bad luck trying to get in touch with you.
So I’d say, do the classy thing and call him back. Be honest. That’s what everyone in the dating world appreciates. A great line I found is: “I’m so sorry. I just didn’t feel the chemistry.”
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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