Dear Kelli,
I recently got a new job in retail. I love my job. In fact, I feel like I was meant to do this kind of work. I’ve been doing well—sold two dresses my first week! My problem is that I’m afraid I’ll lose my job unexpectedly. In my last job there was an issue with my boss and he fired me pretty suddenly. Now I’m terrified it will happen again. How do I not fear getting fired?
Signed,
No Pink Slip, Please!
Dear No Pink Slip, Please,
Congratulations on finding a job you love! The great thing about finding a job you truly enjoy is that your passion shows through. So I have a feeling that your attitude about this job is obvious and your boss will notice your enthusiasm and positive attitude right away. That’s the first piece of great news. The other great news is that sometimes fear can motivate us. So your fear of getting fired actually propels you to do even better work. The key is to not let it paralyze you. That means you realize that if you’re putting in your best effort, having a positive attitude, and being a diligent employee, you’re doing great work. Your fear of getting fired is most likely an irrational fear based on what happened at your last job. Try not to let your previous work situation ruin your current one. And when you have the thought that you are going to get fired, remind yourself that your fear isn’t valid! Try to concentrate on the present: You’re being responsible, loving what you do, and actually selling articles!
So continue to do great work and feel free to mention to your boss how much you enjoy your job. You can even ask every six months (key word: every six months, not every day!) “Is there anything I can do to improve my work?” If your job doesn’t give formal evaluations, you can certainly ask for a verbal one every year. This way you can see objectively how you are doing.
Try not to stress, especially if there isn’t reason to. Enjoy the great work you are doing!
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’ve been in NO mood for sex. Zilch. Nada. I feel horrible because my husband is the best guy. I still love him and he doesn’t deserve this. I just feel like I’m not into it at all. Advice?
Signed,
Sex-less
Dear Sex-less,
My first word of advice is to get yourself checked out medically by a gynecologist. Often, a low sex drive indicates other issues (e.g., a hormone deficiency, a pelvic infection). It could be a physical problem. But even if it’s not, take the pressure off yourself. It’s very common for men's and women’s libidos to fluctuate, especially in marriage! But if it’s been more than a few weeks, I’d advise you to see a sex therapist with your husband. I know it’s uncomfortable talking about your sex life with a stranger, but your husband will appreciate your effort in working to resolve the situation.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m an attractive 34-year-old who's married. Problem is: I really like the attention men give me. I flirt at work, flirt on the subway, flirt at the grocery store, etc. Nothing goes beyond that, although occasionally I’ve given men my number, but no contact ever takes place. I do find myself doing it constantly, though. I told my girlfriend about this and she got really upset with me and said I’m not respecting my husband. If nothing ever happens with these men, who is right: my girlfriend or me?
Signed,
Wrong to Be a Flirt?
Dear Wrong to Be a Flirt,
I believe the real question isn’t whether or not it’s wrong to flirt, but how are things at home with your husband? I’m not trying to avoid your question but if you are constantly feeling the need to flirt, that tells me either you aren’t getting enough attention at home or your have low self esteem and are trying to seek outside validation. So if things are shaky at home, I’d have a long talk with your husband. How can he give you more attention? You need to state your needs upfront (for example, I'd love flowers once in awhile, or a sweet text, etc.). Don’t be afraid to say what you want, especially if it can improve your relationship! I’m sure your husband would be happy to accommodate your needs, especially if that means you’d be flirting less with strangers. If you truly believe it doesn’t have to do with your husband and he satisfies your needs, I’d certainly suggest that you consider speaking to a therapist about your self-esteem.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s human nature to be attracted to other men/women. We’re sexual beings. And in general, a little flirting is healthy, in my opinion. But I think when it feels like a need or an urge (like in your case) that’s when the problem lies deeper.
I also believe you’re crossing the line if you’re giving men your number. It’s one thing to smile and bat your eyelashes; it’s another to make them believe you’re available. But more importantly, it’s not fair to your husband! Just put yourself in your husband’s shoes: would you be okay if he gave his number to women he met at the grocery store?
Sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband, your own therapist, or a few sessions with a couple’s therapist.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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