Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ask Kelli: Wedding Un-friend? Housecleaner Un-Chat? Decisions Wished Undone?

Dear Kelli,

My fiance and I have been engaged for four months and the wedding will be in June. This is a very happy time in my life, except I cannot ignore the lack of support and happiness in the reaction of one my best friends to the engagement news and wedding prospects. Since four months ago she has neither called me nor made an effort to talk when we meet or go out with other friends. The one time she did call was about a month ago, when she asked for my class notes to prepare for one of our final exams in grad school (where we met. And, yes, I gave her my notes.) But other than that -- nothing. Not even right after the exam, when I was sick for three weeks.

At first I thought I she might be somewhat uncomfortable with my upcoming nuptials, as she and her live-in boyfriend are yet to be engaged. So I minimized talking to her about the wedding and tried to focus whatever conversations we did have around her. Yet, as time goes by, I feel less and less support from her (she's even made some hostile comments about, for instance, the look of the engagement ring.) I therefore am left to realize that she's just not going to be there for me in happy times, which include, for example, getting a good grade on an exam -- let alone celebrating our happiness at the wedding. Now that the celebration is in three months I don't know whether I should extend a wedding invitation to her, not to mention the hen party. I am very disappointed to feel this way, as there's nothing I wanted more than for her to share in my happiness, but I don't know that I can bear any more hostility from her, particularly on my wedding day.

What am I to do? Should I bite it and invite her to the wedding, together with our friends from grad school? Or, should I face the painful reality and realize the limits of our friendship and not even extend an invitation?

Sincerely yours,
Confused Bride-To-Be

Dear Confused Bride-To-Be,

I’m sorry your friend is acting this way. I can understand how frustrating that is, especially when you’ve put forth the effort and it's in a time of your life when you deserve your friends’ support.

Despite how she’s acting, however, I would extend an invitation to her. First, because we shouldn’t change our behavior based on other people’s actions. Second, in case things do change in the future and you two become close, you don’t want to regret not inviting her. You want to keep your side of the street clean. Finally, it might open up some dialog between you two. For example you could say, “Hey Jessie, just want to make sure you got my invitation. I know we haven’t been as close lately and I’m wondering if you want to talk about it.”

All the best,


Dear Kelli,

I’ve hired a woman to clean our house. She’s fabulous, except for one thing. She is constantly talking to me. She’ll vacuum, see me there, and then start a conversation. I’ve tried ignoring her or pretending I don’t hear, but whenever she sees me, she wants to talk. Should I look for someone else? As I mentioned, when she’s not stopping to chat, she does a great job!

Chatty Maid

Dear Chatty Maid,

It’s simple: You leave when she’s at your place working. If you don’t feel comfortable with her in your place alone, I’d retreat to another room where she is not working, put on a pair of headphones, and say to her “Oh hey, I’m going to do some work now. Thanks for understanding I won’t be able to chat!” Then when she comes into that room to do work, move to another. If she says she can work around you, say “It’s better for me when it’s quiet.  I need to concentrate on my work.”

If she does great work and you trust her, I think this can be easily managed. But if she’s not getting the hint and it’s driving you bananas, start asking around for recommendations for someone else.

All the best,


Dear Kelli,

How do I deal with regret? I starting to hate some decisions I’ve made in the past, wishing I had made different ones.


Dear Regretful,

I like and believe in the philosophy that everything happens for a reason. So when I think I’ve made a “wrong” decision I turn it over and remember, “Well, this was the decision I was supposed to make.” It’s sounds simplistic, but it’s true. It relieves me of taking on all that guilt myself, and it reminds me that there is something greater than me in charge. In other words, that decision was supposed to happen and I have to let it go.

I also remind myself that when I'm feeling regretful about something that I’m not living in the present; I’m living in the past. There is nothing I can do about a past decision I’ve made (possibly amend it but let’s assume for now that I can’t). I can only focus on the next possible decision.

So maybe your regret is teaching you to make more carefully thought-out decisions in the future. Try to see it as a spiritual lesson rather than a punitive one. And consider that it's wonderful that you’re seeing the light now, rather than a few more decisions from now.

All the best,


Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.

Kelli welcomes your comments below.  Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.

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