Dear Kelli,
I’m in college here in the area, and a good friend of mine recently started chewing her food and then spitting it out. She swears it’s not a disorder—she just does it when she wants more flavor and not calories. I’m worried. This just started so I haven’t seen any significant weight loss yet, but I’m scared it could grow into something more. Should I confront my friend and risk our friendship?
Signed,
Spit it Out
Dear Spit it Out,
First, I’ll say that you have a right to be concerned. Chewing and spitting out food is a form of disordered eating. I’m glad you noticed this now before it could turn into something more detrimental. Although the potential weight loss a concerning factor, the fact that she is doing this in the first place signifies some sort-of anxiety, compulsive disorder, depression, or other mental health disorder. So we need to get to the real root of the issue.
It’s interesting you are concerned about “risking your friendship.” Isn’t a friendship about being honest and open with one another? Isn’t a friendship about caring and showing support to our friends, even if that means possibly hurting their feelings? When it comes to friendships, in my opinion it’s more important to try and help a friend than worry she will be mad at you. You are absolutely doing the right thing by talking with her about this. Think about the alternative: You don’t say anything and your friend may get worse.
Perhaps you could open the dialogue this way, “Samantha, I noticed the chewing and spitting out food behavior. I know you mentioned it’s not a big deal but the truth is, I’m concerned. If you’d like I can help you find someone to talk with about this. As normal as you may think this is, I’m concerned that this is not normal behavior. Although this may seem like it’s about the chewing, I’m scared it’s something deeper that you may need to explore. I love you dearly and that’s why I want to make sure you’re okay. “
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’ve been married for six years and have been harboring a horrible secret from my husband. I’m almost $46,000 in debt. How did I manage to keep this from him? I don’t know but it’s killing me inside. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m scared to death to tell him because I’m scared he won’t trust me anymore and possibly want a divorce. I feel so stuck.
Signed,
Unfaithful with Money
Dear Unfaithful with Money,
You know you have to tell your husband what’s going on. I know that’s why you wrote to me in the first place. The longer you wait from this point on, the worse it’s going to be. So you need to have this dialogue immediately. It’s no longer about you and your fear, it’s about being fair to your partner. It’s now his problem too, unfortunately. And he needs to be clued in as to what is going on.
Of course you’re fearful your husband won’t trust you. Would you trust him if he harbored a secret from you for more than six years? If you do a reality check you will realize, yes, he’ll feel betrayed, hurt, and angry. But that doesn’t mean he’ll definitely want to divorce you. So accept that fact that he’ll need to go through his process. Be patient with him.
I’d highly suggest a financial counselor and/or a couples counselor while you have this talk. You have to be fair to your husband. You’re a team and hopefully you can support each other through this.
Best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m having some fertility issues and went to a clinic to get help. While I was there I saw my boss. Talk about the worst thing that ever could have happened! We didn’t say much, just acknowledged each other. But a few days later when I saw her at work, she asked me what was going on. It was mortifying! I was totally caught off guard but I told her the truth: My husband and I are having problems getting pregnant. Now she keeps talking to me about it, wanting the updates, the status, etc. How do I gently bow out of talking about my personal stuff?
Signed,
Meddling Boss Is Driving Me Crazy
Dear Meddling Boss Is Driving Me Crazy,
It’s simple. Next time she brings it up, you say, “Thanks for checking in, Ann. You know, I have to be honest. It’s really been hard for me to talk about everything. Do you mind if we just keep our conversations about work? It helps me get through this tough time. Thanks for understanding.”
No need to go further. I have a feeling she won’t ask again. If she does, it’s time to talk to HR.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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