Dear Kelli,
My wife and I have a great relationship but since she passed menopause, our libidos are vastly different. She has lost a lot of her interest in intimacy.
I've tried everything including being extra romantic, planning getaways -- all of the things that marriage counselors suggest a husband do to relight the spark.
She also takes anti-depressants and drinks a bit too much wine too often, but says that it's menopause causing her lack of interest.
I'm sure you have lots of questions for me, but I'd like your thoughts on how to bring us back into alignment. Do I simply readjust my expectations? I've been trying to do that but I'm having difficulty achieving it.
Any ideas?
Signed,
Different Libidos
Dear Different Libidos,
My first suggestion would be for your wife to have a thorough doctor's exam to rule out any physical problems. It would also be smart for your wife to discuss this problem with her psychiatrist (or whoever prescribed the anti-depressants). Perhaps there is another one she can try that won’t suppress her libido as much? It’s definitely worth a shot.
On your end it sounds like you are doing all the right things. I can imagine it's very frustrating for you. I do agree that you have to readjust your expectations. To start, I’d sympathize with her. I’m sure she’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t want to not be sexual. So try and have some compassion. Second, I’d ask her if she has any suggestions and/or needs you’re not meeting. Maybe she’s been a bit shy to suggest them but if you are giving her a chance to voice her opinion, she could state something you didn’t know about. Finally, keep all lines of communication open. As you know, women are very emotional and sex is deeply rooted in how they feel. So try to make her feel comfortable talking to you—not just about sex but everything. If that’s not working, I think the two of you should consider consulting a sex therapist.
Best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m 21, female, and will be graduating from college next month Summa Cum Laude with two degrees and a minor. The ironic thing is that all I want to be is a housewife. What is wrong with me?
Signed,
Just a Housewife
Dear Just a Housewife,
There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. You value family. That’s wonderful and perfectly okay. I believe you have the best of both worlds: a dream to one day be a wonderful wife and a backup plan in case your housewife dream doesn’t happen as soon as you hope it will. I’m guessing the reason you’re questioning if you’re normal is because more and more women are turning away from the traditional role of housewives and are focused on their careers. It’s all okay: It’s just a matter of preference. Just know you aren’t alone, and your preference is valued, too!
Best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I met a wonderful woman for drinks a few nights ago. To make a long story short, we got physical really quickly. I know this sounds funny coming from a guy but I’m now regretting going so quickly. I really like this woman. Does it sound stupid to ask her to now slow down?
Signed,
Moving Too Fast
Dear Moving Too Fast,
No, it absolutely doesn’t sound stupid to slow down the relationship. (I’d just correct you and ask in general if it’s okay to slow down, rather than ask her to slow down. It takes two to tango!). This happens quite frequently in relationships and the beautiful part is that you are realizing it early on. It’s so sweet that you really care for this woman and want to keep this relationship strong. I believe what you are doing is very wise. So you can always something like this, “Becky, I’m really enjoying spending time with you and worried we may have started the relationship off a little too quickly. What are your thoughts on slowing down the physical part of our relationship? It’s not that I don’t find you attractive. It's exactly the opposite: It’s just that I want to slow down because I really want this relationship to last.”
Best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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