Dear Kelli,
We offered to take my husband’s best friend and his wife out to dinner for his birthday. We suggested an early dinner as we're the type of couple who like to hit the sack early, and we all have little ones. His best friend didn’t respond until recently and asked if we wouldn't mind if he invited another two couples for dinner, sans the kids. Dinner would start late and obviously end even later.
My husband and I talked it over and mentioned we wanted to do something, just our two families, and reminded him that we were looking to do an earlier evening. So we suggested coming to his house earlier, doing a cocktail hour, and then he could continue his night out with his friends. Alternatively, we suggested that we could do something the following night, that is, stick to our original early dinner plan but on another night. His best friend was annoyed. Does he have a right to be? We don’t get it.
Signed,
Early Bird
Dear Early Bird,
I understand why you’re confused. You offered two or three plans and it sounds to me as if your husband’s friend wasn’t particularly pleased with any of them. You took the initiative and were trying to make the effort to celebrate his birthday.
Perhaps your husband’s best friend is upset because he had hoped the two of you would go along with his idea of a birthday celebration. It wasn’t your ideal plan, obviously, but maybe he was hoping the two of you would be more flexible. I wonder if it's not annoyance that he feels but disappointment.
Whatever he's feeling, I see two ways you can go from here:
1) Let your husband's best friend have his choice of celebration because it is his birthday; or
2) Ask him if he’d care to celebrate with the two of you another way/time/date and if so, what way/time/date.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
How do you know if a person is “right” for you?
Signed,
“It?”
Dear “It?,”
I’m a strong believer in intuition and your listening to your gut. How do you feel when you are with this person? Does it feel good? Like it’s right? Or do you get a weird sensation in your body of some sort of uneasiness? The body doesn’t lie, so try and “listen” to any signs it gives you.
Next, there are the cognitive/behavioral qualities. How does this person treat you? Of course he/she needs to treat you right. In regards to morals and values do you feel this person is on the same page with you? Do you think he/she sets a good example?
Finally, can you imagine this person becoming your life partner? Not just your lover but your partner in every aspect of life: finances, children, everything. Can you see yourself married to this person? Can you see yourself making lifelong decisions with this person? You want to make sure you trust his/her judgment because his/her decisions will affect yours.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My friend's dog got run over a few days ago. My friend is devastated. Is there anything I can do?
Signed,
Sad for Her
Dear Sad for Her,
I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss. What you can do is be there for her. What that means is asking if she needs anything, listening (very important), and giving her your shoulder to cry on. Grieving is very individual, so she’s got to go through her own process and you should be sure to respect that. It may take a few weeks, months, or years.
Here's are a couple of comments I know are not helpful: “It’s only a dog and not a human.” “Maybe you should get a new dog.” Statements like these would trivialize her feelings and emotions. If you’re not sure what to say, try to listen rather than comment.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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