Ask Kelli: An Apology, A Refusal to Dog-Sit, Fear of Depression

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

What's the best way to apologize?

Signed,
Screwed Up Big Time


Dear Screwed Up Big Time,

The best way to apologize is the sincerest. To me, that means three things:

1) Owning up to what you did
2) Being honest when you say that you’re sorry it happened
3) Explaining how you learned from the incident and how it won’t happen again.

Additionally, your apology should absolutely be delivered in person (unless the person lives too far away) and don’t forget to give the person some time to forgive you.

All the best,
Kelli

---


Dear Kelli,

I have a dog and my neighbor always tell me how much she loves my dog. She kisses him, hugs him, and shows affection in other ways. I thought it would be a good idea to ask her if she’d watch him while I was away. I was really surprised when she said no. It’s not that she wasn’t available but that she just didn’t want to. Why do you think she didn’t want to? I’m really frustrated. What do you think?

Signed,
Dog Eat Dog World


Dear Dog Eat Dog World,

It’s one thing to like someone’s dog, it’s another to want to take care of that dog. You’re neighbor did nothing wrong. She was honest that she didn’t want the responsibility. I’m sure it was frustrating because you assumed she'd be willing, but she isn’t obligated to take care of your dog just because she likes him.

She's also under no obligation to justify her decision; she has told you that she doesn't want to do it, and that's okay. You don’t want to punish your neighbor because you’re insulted that she didn’t want the task.

Try to remain objective and be grateful that she didn’t say yes and then later resent you for pressuring her into accepting something she didn't want to do. I would also recommend that you look into your own reaction and recognize that you get frustrated when you don’t get your way (because that is what this is really about!)

All the best,
Kelli

---


Dear Kelli,

I just read an autobiography about a famous woman who went through a really difficult depression. I identified with so much of what she wrote, I’m actually really scared that I will fall into a depression, too. (I’m not depressed now, though). Help!

Signed,
Preventing Depression Possible?


Dear Preventing Depression Possible,

I understand how you can identify with someone else’s difficulties. Here are a few thoughts:

1) Often times we can “futurize” about things we’re anticipating. So try and catch yourself futurizing. That means when you fear you’ll be depressed, you keep reminding yourself that you’re not currently in that state. Some days you may need an hourly reminder. Sometimes it helps to think: “I am where my feet are today.” That will put you in the present.

2) Write down some proactive tools you can use when you are nervous you’ll fall into a depression. Two good examples are finding a clinical therapist just in case, and listing a few good friends to call. Keep that list handy so you’ll always have it.

3) Continue to do activities that make you feel good. This will ensure that you’re taking care of yourself.

All the best,
Kelli

-----------------------

Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.

Kelli welcomes your comments below.  Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.