by Kelli Miller
Dear Kelli,
I will be letting go of my only child next month as she goes off to college. I am sure this will be a major adjustment for our entire family. I worry that her father and I will be strangers to one another. I have felt for many years that we are together because of our child. Now facing a home without the ties that bind, I'm worried. I think if we do not have her to discuss, then we have nothing to discuss. Before I make any life altering decisions, do you have any suggestions? I should add that we have never really had any common interests.
Signed,
Empty Nest
Dear Empty Nest,
It is not surprising you'd be upset and worried as your only child goes off to college. After 18 years you are finally ending one of the most important jobs in life: raising your child. Please don't discount your grief. It is a major adjustment to the family when one member leaves. The natural balance of the family changes and that leaves
you and your partner in a whole new dynamic. It definitely can take some getting used to.
Know that you are not alone. My first suggestion is to use the support of other mothers going through the same thing. This will help normalize and validate your feelings. There is a great support group online from CafeMom.
Second, you say you and your husband have no common interests. My gut is telling me there is something the two of you both enjoy. I would sit down and each brainstorm 50 things you like to do (movies, sports, art museums, etc.). No holds barred—anything counts. Then compare the lists. If there is anything that is common between the two lists commit to doing that activity at least once a week together. If there are no commonalities you each get to choose your top interest and commit to sharing that together once a week. You never know—you or your partner could really learn to enjoy a new activity.
Third, don't forget to ask open-ended questions to your husband. Often questions like, "Was your day okay?" leads to one word answers like, "Yes." Something more enriching might be: "Tell me something you learned today at work." You might enable a deeper conversation this way.
Fourth, you could always go out with other couples. This might take the pressure of you to talk "just the two of you."
Finally, why not take a mini vacation together? No question everyone likes to relax and enjoy. You two especially deserve one after the 18 years of hard work you put in! A vacation might be the perfect end to one phase of your life and the start of a brand new one together.
All the best,
Kelli
Kelli
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My fiance and I are really in love. The problem is that I know I want kids in my future and he knows he doesn't. Do we get married anyway (and I secretly hope he'll change his mind?)
Signed,
"Mom"
Dear "Mom,"
Here's the thing: You can't assume anyone (partner, friend, relative, etc.) will ever change. You just can't. You have to take people as they are today and not what you want them to be in fantasy. So today your boyfriend does not want a family. Could he change his mind? Sure, but there is no guarantee. And that's certainly a big risk if you know for sure you want to be a mom.
So I say you really have to weigh what is more important to you: having a boyfriend that you love and giving up the idea of being a mom, or finding someone who also shares your desire for family and losing your current beau. I know this isn't easy to answer, and unfortunately, I can't make the decision for you. But I think if you really listen to your heart you'll know what to do.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
A long time ago, my grandmother, who died about 20 years ago, knitted me a beautiful wool sweater. I wore it a few times, but wool's scratchy to my skin, so I don't wear that sweater anymore. I've thought about donating that sweater to a homeless shelter, but I'm torn between the keeping the sweater because it has sentimental value and giving it to somebody who might benefit from wearing it in the cold winter months. What should I do?
Signed,
Itchy Lady
Dear Itchy Lady,
I applaud you for wanting to do something nice with the sweater and I see why you are torn. I think there are a few questions you have to ask yourself: 1) Knowing your grandmother, would she be upset if you donated the sweater due to the fact you are allergic to it? Would she understand? 2) Is there something else that you value of your grandmother's (e.g., jewelry, a clock) that could take the place of the sweater? 3) Could you "donate" the sweater to someone in your family?
If the answer is "no" to all three questions perhaps you could donate the sweater to a homeless shelter with a note attached about your grandma or with a nice picture of her. This way the person who receives it may better understand the significance.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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