Dear Kelli,
My daughter is a lesbian. I’m okay with this but I’m so tired of acquaintances asking me if my daughter is married. Then I have to say, “She’s a lesbian” and then there's usually an awkward silence. I learned if I just say she’s not married, they say, “I’d love to fix your daughter up with my son…” So that’s why I feel I have to qualify. What can I do to make it less awkward?
Signed,
Proud Mother of Lesbian
Dear Proud Mother of Lesbian,
You sound proud of your daughter. Good for you!
I understand you answer this question with “She’s a lesbian,” but my first question to you is this: How is your tone, inflection, and facial expression when you say this? Do you think it’s possible you may be anticipating an awkward response, and so you convey uneasiness in your answer? I’m thinking if you respond exactly as you've been doing, adding a smile and a vote of confidence, you may signal to your questioner that you are proud of your daughter and that there's no reason for awkwardness.
If you are answering confidently, but you're still sensing that awkward pause afterward, then it does sound as if the tension is on the part of your acquaintance. Perhaps that person doesn't deal well with hearing that someone else is a lesbian. Well, guess what? That’s their problem. So I’d continue doing exactly what you’re doing and allow others to process their own feelings about it.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m a racist. I’m okay to admit it to you anonymously but I know I can’t say it publicly. My question is: Am I the only one out there who is racist? I know I can’t be the only one.
Signed,
Honestly a Racist
Dear Honestly a Racist,
No, I can guarantee you’re not the only one who is a racist. But my question to you is: Are you honestly okay with your racist feelings, or are you secretly looking to change? I’m just wondering since you took the time to write to me. I suspect that deep down you’re not proud of what you’re feeling and you want to react differently to people who evoke those racist feelings. Maybe you’re scared or intimidated by a certain race and that’s where this all stems from. Just know it is possible to become a better person and not live in fear. I hope you will consider talking to a therapist or counselor.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My husband recently got a raise and I’m ashamed to admit I’m jealous. How could that be? More money will help our family tremendously and I am proud of the work he’s done.
Signed,
Ungrateful Wife?
Dear Ungrateful Wife?
You’re entitled to your feelings and that can include various, even contradictory feelings, about a particular situation. In other words, you can be happy for your husband but envious at the same time.
You asked me how you could feel that way, and I can give you plenty of reasons. Perhaps you miss having the accolades? Maybe you know this means your husband will have to put in more time at work and and have less time with you? Perhaps you don’t have or don't like your own career? Whatever is behind this feeling, it's okay to have it. But I think it would be helpful for you to focus your action on the root cause of your jealousy, if you can find out what that is. For example, if your envy stems from your dissatisfaction with your own job, it might help for you to look into a new career or perhaps a new accomplishment at your job, so that you will feel respected. If it’s fear that your husband will be working more, you need to discuss that with him. I believe once you discover what is really the root of the jealousy, you can take positive steps to resolve it.
All the best,
Kelli
You’re entitled to your feelings and that can include various, even contradictory feelings, about a particular situation. In other words, you can be happy for your husband but envious at the same time.
You asked me how you could feel that way, and I can give you plenty of reasons. Perhaps you miss having the accolades? Maybe you know this means your husband will have to put in more time at work and and have less time with you? Perhaps you don’t have or don't like your own career? Whatever is behind this feeling, it's okay to have it. But I think it would be helpful for you to focus your action on the root cause of your jealousy, if you can find out what that is. For example, if your envy stems from your dissatisfaction with your own job, it might help for you to look into a new career or perhaps a new accomplishment at your job, so that you will feel respected. If it’s fear that your husband will be working more, you need to discuss that with him. I believe once you discover what is really the root of the jealousy, you can take positive steps to resolve it.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
Kelli, I have to disagree with your answer to the Mom who's asked if her daughter is married. There's no reason to say more than that she's single. If the person goes on to say, I'd like her to meet my son, then it may be good to say, actually, my daughter would be more interested in meeting your daughter. But only if you think your daughter would welcome that kind of introduction to someone new. It would probably be much better to say (to anyone who's that interested in your adult child's personal life), "Thanks, but I know my daughter isn't someone who wants her mom trying to fix her up!"
ReplyDeleteHey Kelli, I think you nailed it on the lesbian question, that Mom is still uncomfortable, but wouldn't a more positive answer be "My daughter is a lesbian and she has a lovely partner"
ReplyDeletewhether she does have a partner or not, it serves the purpose of avoiding matchmaking offers - with either gender - and adds something to take the edge off a blunt announcement.
Even if Mom is comfortable with it, such a statement may sound like somewhat of a challenge, and the other person may feel a response is required, but not know what the appropriate one is. Whereas "she has a lovely partner "gives the person the opportunity to say something like "how nice" rather than "oh."
Just sayin'