Dear Kelli,
I’m a doctor and, as you might expect, people are constantly asking me for free medical advice. I don’t mind giving advice to loved ones and relatives but when strangers at a party ask me about a mole here or something on their lip, it’s so bothersome. I feel rude if I dismiss their comments but on the other hand, I don’t want to be the on-call doctor 24/7. I’ve tried the honest approach but that hasn’t gone so well. Can you give me some alternatives to say in a situation like that?
Signed,
Need to Be Left Alone, MD
Dear Need to Be Left Alone, MD,
I think your concern is valid and certainly understandable. You want to be polite and thought of as a doctor with good bedside manner but you also be able to have a break from your career, just like the rest of the world. So I'd suggest trying either of these two approaches:
1) Blame it on HIPA or the bureaucratic rules of modern practice: “Betty, I’d love to help you but the medical world has gotten so complicated, I've had to stop offering medical advice outside of an office context. You’re more than welcome to schedule an appointment with me and I’d be happy to discuss it then.”
2) Make a joke about it: “You know, I’d love to help you, Betty, but I’m not sure my diagnosis would be so great at a party, after the few drinks I’ve had! So why don’t we discuss it in my office where I can really focus on the problem in a professional way?”
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
A friend of mine and I had a falling out about six months ago. I didn’t like how she behaved and felt angry at what she did to me. We haven't really talked since then, and recently I had to have surgery. She found out about my diagnosis through a friend and still didn’t call me! I was really shocked and surprised. She sent a gift through a friend, but to me, a phone call would have meant so much more. Well, I saw her at a party yesterday and she said she just learned how serious my diagnosis was -- otherwise she would have called. It was so infuriating! I was polite and civil but didn’t speak too much to her. After I got home, I found she had left me a voice mail saying that it was stupid we hadn’t talked and she wants to know more about my diagnosis. It seems to me that I’ve seen her true colors, but perhaps I should still be polite and call her back? I don’t really have an interest right now in keeping up a friendship with someone who hasn’t been there for me. What do you think?
Signed,
Polite for Polite’s Sake?
Dear Polite for Polite’s Sake,
I believe you can have two kinds of friendships, and ultimately it’s your call to decide which one this will be. The first is what I call a pseudo-friendship. It’s exactly what you described: a relationship in which both parties are polite and civil but there isn't really any depth to the friendship. You could call the friend back to make sure there is no animosity, and that should restore the status quo before the falling-out. No one is angry, and you’ve kept your side of the street clean.
The second type of friendship is a true and honest friendship. In order to have this kind of friendship, however, everything that has happened prior needs to be discussed so that you both understand each other and can move forward. This friendship will take a lot more work and effort, and I can’t answer for you if this friend is worth it. I do know it sounds like you’re learning towards the first sort of relationship with her, and I can certainly understand that because of her track record so far.
This sounds to me like a pivotal time in your life, when you need strong support and true friendships, not drama and grief. If it were me, I’d stick with the superficial friendship, and reply politely. Later, when you have the time, and if you find yourself missing this friend, you can make an effort to turn the friendship around, and build a true friendship. Right now, it sounds like there isn't time and there's already too much hurt involved.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
An old girlfriend of mine recently sent me a friend request on Facebook. I’ve since married and had a child. I know my ex has come out as a lesbian, but she really hurt me and I have no interest in being her friend, even via cyberspace. So I’m planning on ignoring her request, but at the same time, I'm wondering why I feel a certain hesitation about it. How does this situation strike you?
Signed,
Why Curious?
Dear Why Curious,
It’s certainly understandable why you’re conflicted and are hesitating. On the one hand, you and your ex have both moved on with your lives, and there is no reason to have a friendship. On the other hand, it’s human nature to be curious about how an ex is doing and what she's done with her life. After all, you were once in a close relationship with her!
Even so, I’d go with your first instinct and ignore the request. It sounds like it’s more of a curiosity thing for you, and not an indicator of any deep interest or regret for cutting this person out of your life. I’m sure once you hit the ignore button in a few days' time you’ll forget you even got the request in the first place.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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