Dear Kelli,
I have a little tummy sticking out. I’m okay with this but I deal with it by joking around with friends. I’ll say something like, “Yeah, it's my little kangaroo pouch,” or “my little pregnancy belly” (I’m not pregnant). I’m okay joking about myself but when my friends joke back, I have to admit that I get offended. It’s so odd. It’s like I can joke about it and be fine but then when they do it, I’m insulted. What can I do?
Signed,
Sensitive Kangaroo
Dear Sensitive Kangaroo,
Everyone has something they are self-conscious about and everyone deals with it differently. Some don’t talk about it at all, while others make jokes. That’s perfectly okay. But what you may not realize is that by joking back, your friends aren’t trying to be malicious -- they’re trying to connect with you. It’s not really about your tummy, it’s a way to join in on this laugh they “think” you’re comfortable with.
If you don’t want them to joke about your tummy and you don’t feel 100 percent comfortable when others comment, then you can’t joke about it yourself. It’s not surprising they don’t know when it’s appropriate or not to joke, because there isn’t a clear boundary. So it’s your turn to create one. And that starts by stopping the tummy jokes in front of them.
You have a little tummy showing. That’s okay. And I applaud you for making light of it but at the same time it sounds like you still need to get comfortable with it. Perhaps by joking about it, you’re actually calling more attention to it? My suggestion for you is to work toward a more positive outlook on your tummy. You could, for example, write down some affirmations on how your tummy contributes to your overall looks. Or you could purchase some clothes that take the focus off your tummy. Or come up with your own ways to become less self-conscious about this part of your body.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Everyone has something they are self-conscious about and everyone deals with it differently. Some don’t talk about it at all, while others make jokes. That’s perfectly okay. But what you may not realize is that by joking back, your friends aren’t trying to be malicious -- they’re trying to connect with you. It’s not really about your tummy, it’s a way to join in on this laugh they “think” you’re comfortable with.
If you don’t want them to joke about your tummy and you don’t feel 100 percent comfortable when others comment, then you can’t joke about it yourself. It’s not surprising they don’t know when it’s appropriate or not to joke, because there isn’t a clear boundary. So it’s your turn to create one. And that starts by stopping the tummy jokes in front of them.
You have a little tummy showing. That’s okay. And I applaud you for making light of it but at the same time it sounds like you still need to get comfortable with it. Perhaps by joking about it, you’re actually calling more attention to it? My suggestion for you is to work toward a more positive outlook on your tummy. You could, for example, write down some affirmations on how your tummy contributes to your overall looks. Or you could purchase some clothes that take the focus off your tummy. Or come up with your own ways to become less self-conscious about this part of your body.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I have a friend who has both a toddler and a dog. I have two kids but I don’t have a dog or any other animals. It frustrates me when my friend talks about her dog like it’s her second child. Is she too wrapped up in her dog, or is the problem that I'm just not a dog person?
Signed,
For Humans, Not Canines
Dear For Humans,
Personally, I don’t think it’s her problem -- but then I also have a dog. I believe when you live with any animals for a while, you can develop strong emotional bonds with them, just as you do with humans. With dogs in particular, that bond is reinforced because they can understand and react to your speech and tone. They can also communicate with their owners by expressions and behaviors that their owners quickly learn to understand. Accordingly, it’s easy for owners to feel like their dog is uniquely “theirs.” So I have to say that I understand completely what your friend is talking about!
No judgment here, but I think this is something you just can’t "get" unless you have an animal yourself. I might even make the contrarian suggestion that you should try to spend more time with your friend's dog. You may very well see what she’s talking about!
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
The other day I found my neighbor on her way over to my house with two drinks in her hand. She saw my husband on the porch (and apparently didn’t see me). Then when she came over and saw me, she hid one of the drinks behind her back. It was so odd. I got the impression that she was going to sit with my husband and have a drink! She said she wanted to say hi to us and she ended up handing us both drinks. We both knew what she was doing. I trust my husband completely but am angry that this neighbor thought it was okay to have a drink with my husband alone. Do I say something to her?
Signed,
Slutty Neighbor Needs Restraint!
Dear Would-be Restrainer,
No, I wouldn’t say anything. Why? Because this is a job for your husband. If this or something similar happens again without you, your husband should be the one to make clear to your neighbor what is appropriate in a neighbor relationship. He could say something like this: “Hey Delia, thanks for bringing me a drink, but to be honest, I don’t feel it’s appropriate for the two of us to have a drink alone.”
All the best,
Kelli
-----------------------
Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
No comments:
Post a Comment