Ask Kelli: Awkward Talk; Proscastination; Self-Criticism

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

My 13-year-old daughter just got her first period. I’m a gay man raising my daughter with my partner, who is also called her dad. We’re a close family but I think my partner and I don’t know how to talk to our daughter about this subject. Her mother is no longer in the picture. I’ve given her some books but I think if I try to talk to her about this, it will just embarrass her. Any thoughts?

Signed,
Max-ied Out


Dear Max-ied Out,

It’s totally understandable that you’d be like a deer in headlights in this situation. You’re fearful you’ll say the wrong thing and she'll feel uncomfortable. But in my opinion, rarely do people ever say the wrong thing; they just don’t talk at all in fear that they will! So I applaud you for wanting to talk with her, which is the right thing to do. She’ll feel closer to you, even if she doesn't express it.

So I’d sit down with her and first congratulate her. Let her know that this is an exciting ritual in a woman’s life. You could even joke about how you’re going to have a tampon and pad party to lighten the mood (tell her you’re completely joking in case there's any chance she thinks you’re serious!). Tell her you know it’s uncomfortable to talk about it all of this, especially because you’re not only her parent but a man. But you’ll always be here for her if she wants to talk. That’s it. Really, you’re only talking with her to let her know you’re available and want to help.

Is there anyone else in her life who’s female that she can also talk to? An aunt? A guidance counselor? A close woman friend of yours? That would be helpful to her so that she can talk with someone with direct experience on this subject and can answer more intimate questions.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I know this is a common problem, but I am the biggest procrastinator. I can’t even believe I actually submitted this question, considering it took me two months to write it! What the heck? Why am I always dragging my feet? What can I do?

Signed,
Always Procrastinating


Dear Always Procrastinating,

For most people procrastinating is a way for you to bypass scrutiny, judgment, risk, or rejection. In other words, you’re freaking scared out of your mind. So you have to face that fear. Ask yourself, “Why am I putting this off? What or who am I afraid of? What is the worst that will happen?” And write down the answers to the questions you ask yourself. Then think about this: Is it better to get your task done the best you can (risking imperfection) while holding onto your integrity, or is it better to not get started simply because you’re scared? Looking at it from this perspective may help to get you off your tush.

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

Urgh. I have a horrible, horrible inner critic. It doesn’t come from my mom, my past teachers, or a past life. It’s just me. I hate that I’m always so hard on myself. How can I stop this horrible self-criticism?

Signed,
Shut Up!


Dear Shut Up,

I’m wondering if you’re talking about what I refer to as the Itty Bitty Sh*tty Committee (IBSC). See, that’s what I call it when I hear those critical inner voices. So start naming yours. Because the first step toward correcting this problem is to be aware of when it arises. So when my IBSC starts talking, I stop and say to myself, “Oh IBSC, you decided to show your face, huh?” (Usually my IBSC comes out in full voice under those beautiful fluorescent lights when I’m trying on a bathing suit, but it can come out in any situation, really).

After you name your critic, try to remind yourself when he/she/it comes out, it isn’t real. No, you’re not crazy but it helps if you can almost disassociate with it. It’s just your inner critic talking and it’s not a representation of you or your true abilities.

Next, find the positives to answer your inner critic. So your critic has an issue with X, well, tell yourself you’re great at Y. Reframe it the question.

Lastly, take up meditation. I know -- I sound like a broken record when I recommend meditation so often. But meditation will help you get rid of those negative voices or at least minimize the impact.

Finally, keep practicing all of these strategies.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.

Kelli welcomes your comments below.  Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.