Dear Kelli,
I’m a college student home on winter break. Over Thanksgiving break I had unprotected sex with an older man from my neighborhood, and I think I might be pregnant. I don't know who to turn to because my parents know this man. If it turns out I am pregnant, I don't know if I should confront this man or not. What do you think I should do?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
The first thing you should do is take a blood test to confirm whether you are actually pregnant. You can do this confidentially at Planned Parenthood or another similar facility. If at all possible, enlist a good friend to go with you. You need support right now.
If you are pregnant, I’d say absolutely talk to the man with whom you’ve had relations. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and in all honestly, this man needs to take responsibility for his part in this situation. You can decide to keep it confidential from your parents until you’re ready.
Since you are over 18, you have to remember you don’t need your parents' permission or approval about your potential pregnancy. If you are pregnant, you can ask them to support you on your decision. In the meantime, I would highly recommend talking to a counselor at your college or someone at Planned Parenthood. That’s what they are there for!
All the best
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I give my babysitter simple directions like “Wake the baby up” or “Feed the baby peas,” and I come home and find that she hasn’t followed them. I don’t get why! My instructions make sense. English isn’t her first language but she always nods as if she gets what I’m saying. I like her and my baby is comfortable with her. Do I look for a new sitter?
Signed,
Not Sure She Understands
Dear Not Sure,
It’s possible your sitter might not have the fluency in English needed to get what you're saying but she is too embarrassed to ask you for clarification.
Just because your babysitter nods, that doesn’t automatically mean she understands. If you like her and feel she’s good with your baby, perhaps you could write your instructions down and translate them into her native language? You could also use gestures or put out the peas and point. I’d go with the assumption she can’t understand, rather than assume she is disregarding your instructions intentionally.
So try my translation suggestion for a few days and see if that solves the problem. If not, I’d look for someone else. You can find someone who is both good with your child and understands your requests.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I just started a 12-step program near me. It was a big meeting, maybe fifty people. Well, one lady started to share and I noticed it was my best friend’s mother! I felt so embarrassed and didn’t know if I should approach her, avoid her, or what. What do you suggest?
Signed,
12 Stepper
Dear 12 Stepper,
Yes, it’s true 12 step meetings are anonymous but not to the people in them! You may have been surprised to recognize your best friend’s mother but I’m sure she was just as surprised to see you.
I'd say you should go ahead and approach your friend's mom the next time you see her. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable or avoid the meetings because of her. You could simply say “Hi” and then remind her that you’ll keep everything confidential, including to your best friend, and you trust she will do the same.
All the best,
Kelli
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On the lighter side, here's a reader's practical solution to the problem in last week's column of the hand-made statue given as a gift to someone who loved her friend who made it but thought the statue was too ugly to display:
Regarding the statue, you neglected the easiest remedy of all: Statues fall and get broken all the time!
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
This comment came in response to Kelli's advice to the young woman who asked whether she should "confront" the man with whom she had unprotected sex:
ReplyDeleteI realize this young woman is under considerable stress, regretting the unprotected sex, possibly/probably regretting the sex, embarrassed, etc., but I was surprised you did not comment on her use of the word “confront.” She does not suggest the sex was nonconsensual, that she was not responsible (underage or intoxicated), or that force was used, so “confront” suggests that she does not take equal responsibility for their actions. She is acting like a victim and appears to be blaming the man.