Dear Kelli,
I’ve been dating this gentleman for a few months now. When I met him he was a smoker. I’ve since convinced him to quit . . . or so I thought. I’ve noticed he still reeks of smoke on occasion, and I’ve found a lighter on the passenger seat in his car. Do I confront him?
Signed,
Just Quit It
Dear Just Quit It,
I believe you can talk to him about it but the trick is to do it delicately. If your boyfriend is smoking in secret, he’s obviously ashamed and the last thing you want to do is make him feel more shamed. On the other hand, you don’t want your boyfriend lying to you.
So I’d give him the opportunity to come clean. You can say, “I really like you, Steve, and want to support you the best I can. I noticed a lighter in your car the other day, and there have been times when I've smelled smoke on your clothes. I’m not sure if you've started smoking again and are embarrassed about it, but I want to support you and have honest communication about this. Are you still smoking?”
If he admits it, you can again emphasize that you want him to be honest with you and not feel sneak around. See if he’s ready to try quitting again and ask what you can do to help support him in that decision. If he doesn’t admit to smoking but it’s obvious he’s smoking (you’ve seen him do it with your own eyes), it might be time to call it quits. You want a boyfriend who will be honest with you.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’ve heard great things about an interior designer. Actually, she was recommended by two friends. My problem is that she's flaked out on me: She was supposed to email me back but never did, so I called her a week ago but haven’t heard back. Do I give up on her and look for someone else? I still think she does great work.
Signed,
Need a Designer
Dear Need a Designer,
I would suggest that you ask the two friends who recommended the designer if she was responsible when they contacted her. If the designer was responsible and they both say they had no trouble communicating with her, then perhaps something is going on in her life at the moment and she can’t get back to you. In that case, I'd say try again in another week.
If your friends agree she’s flakey, then at least you know what you’re dealing with! The question then is: Can you handle dealing with someone like that? Does her talent for design outweigh the communication frustrations?
If you think the answer to that question is yes, then you might want to work with her, despite her poor response record. In that case, you should ask your friends for their advice on the best way to stay in touch with her. Some people return phone but never check their email, while others are constant email checkers and never check their phone messages. Figure out her preferred method of communication. Second, use humor if you need to bring up her problems responding: “Hey, did you get run over by a truck? I haven’t heard back from you.” Third, set deadlines. “Sandy, I need to get this living room finished by January 30. Do you think you could have the wallpaper picked out by then?” Finally, be realistic in your expectations. If she’s slow to respond, be prepared for her to be slow to perform. If you tell her you would like your house done by January 30, have in mind a more likely finishing date of March 30 (but don't let her know that, or you could well end up with a finishing date two months after that!)
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My best friend’s husband just got laid off two weeks ago. I know this because a mutual friend of ours works at the company and told me. We’re going out to dinner on Saturday night. Usually I ask him about work. Do I not ask him? Or do I pretend I don’t know?
Signed,
Keep My Mouth Shut?
Dear Keep My Mouth Shut,
I wouldn’t say anything. A simple, “How are you, Jeff?” is open-ended enough so that he can answer if he feels comfortable or say he’s fine if he that's all he wants to say. I’d let your friend’s husband take the lead on this one and you sit back. When he is ready to share the news, he will -- or your friend will. Until then, talk about yourself!
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
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