Dear Kelli,
I’m not sure if my boyfriend of five months is cheating on me or not, but I’d love your insight. We’re together a lot but the few times we’re not, I have noticed a few odd things -- like a long curly hair that is not mine (my hair is straight) or a tampon wrapper in his bathroom trash. He claims that the hair was just random and the tampon must have come from his next-door neighbor, who is married. Apparently, he and his neighbors are good friends, although I’ve never met either one. He’s bought me so many nice things, and I’ve met his family, so I feel assured he likes me. The other thing that worries me is that he refuses for us to have a “title,” though he tells me how much he cares for me. What do you think? Am I just paranoid?
Signed,
Paranoid or Right?
Dear Paranoid or Right,
I believe people have an innate intuition and what gets them into trouble is when they don’t follow that intuition. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.
There is already something of a red flag in your relationship, and I say this objectively, as someone reacting completely as an outsider. The random things you talked about (the hair and tampon wrapper) don’t concern me as much as the fact this man does not want you to have a title. If you are in love or you care enough to want someone to have an ongoing role in your life, you want that person to have a title. Yes, there are exceptions (Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell) but they are rare. When you are in love you can’t imagine sharing that person with anyone else.
This man may care for you (which is why he introduced you to his parents and why he gives you gifts) but it sounds to me as if you are looking for something more than he is willing to give. It also sounds to me as if you don't feel in your heart that you can trust him, but you may be scared to let this relationship go. I’m here to say the quicker you let go, the easier it will be to find someone else who truly loves you.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I have a good friend who is into astrology. She’s single and I get the sense that she’s often avoiding dates because of the man’s astrological sign. I think this is a little extreme. What do you think?
Signed,
Is It in the Stars?
Dear Is It in the Stars,
I think it’s in your friend's head, but how she wants to date is her prerogative. Some people discriminate by race, height, weight, or religion; your friend does it by their birth date.
It may sound kooky to you, but she's an adult and it sounds as if she's set in her beliefs, and one of those beliefs is that someone’s astrological sign can tell a lot about their personality or their compatibility.
She may be missing opportunities in your mind, but in hers, the right one is “destined” to come along.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli
I’m always doing everything for everyone else. I do things for my kids, my husband, my dog, my friends. It seems when I’m done with that I don’t have any time for me. I feel depleted. What can I do?
Signed,
No "Me Time"
Dear No "Me Time",
Make yourself a priority. You’ve done it for everyone else and now it’s time to do it for you. You’re just as important, if not more important, than everyone else. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be fully present for your kids, and you'll be doing them a disservice.
If you keep putting off your "me time", schedule it on your calendar and view it as a mandatory appointment. You can start off slow and just add one to two hours a week for you. Then build up gradually as you feel more comfortable.
You could also write down how your "me time" could benefit the rest of your family. I’m sure you know how it could help you, but seeing how it could help your family will motivate you too.
All the best,
Kelli
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Take some “me” time. You deserve it.
http://amzn.to/wBY5Fk (adv)
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
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