Hi Kelli,
I’m about to embark on a cruise. For months I've been saving up for this and so I'm really excited about it. My close friend, however, said something really rude when I told her I had officially reached my savings goal for the trip. She said, “I wouldn’t spend my money on getting seasick!” I thought she understood that this trip means a lot to me, and that saving the money was an accomplishment; so her little comment really hurt me. Am I wrong to feel insulted?
Signed,
Friend Rocking the Boat
Dear Friend Rocking the Boat,
You have a right to feel the way you do, and there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings.
Objectively, the comment wasn’t nice, given that you had told your friend how much you’ve been looking forward to the trip.
Could it be that your friend is jealous that you can spend so much money on a vacation? Not knowing your friend, I can only guess at what might have prompted the comment. However, it could be that she just blurted out her reaction to the idea of a cruise, which doesn't appeal to her personally. In that case, you should probably forget about it. We all have different tastes, different likes and dislikes.
Of course, she shouldn't have rained on your parade, but don't let her remark influence your enthusiasm for the trip. Focus your attention back to your excitement about the cruise. To get you back in the spirit, maybe you can review the itinerary again or look online at the ship’s layout. You’ve saved up for this and now it’s time to enjoy it!
Bon voyage,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My son is now five, old enough for me to drop him off at a playdate and actually leave. Yay! My problem is that there's a little girl he really adores, but every time I see the girl’s mom, she’s on her cell phone, either texting or talking. I mean every single time! I worry that if I drop my son off at her house, the mom will not really be supervising them. How do I know for sure?
Signed,
The Mom's a Cell Phone Addict
Dear Mom's a Cell Phone Addict,
You really won’t know for sure unless you’re a fly on the wall. So my first thought is for you to try and have most playdates at your house. If your son asks to go to the girl's house, ask the girl’s mom if she wants to hang out while the kids play. This way, you won’t be depriving your son of fun time at the girl’s house and you can know for sure the kids are being watched properly.
I’d be careful about voicing your concerns directly to the mom, however. She may feel insulted, and you run the risk of ruining your son’s friendship with the little girl. So if you want your son to enjoy these playdates but also be sure that he's well supervised, I'm afraid you're going to have to have them at your house, or stay with him at the little girl's house.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I’m what people consider a nice girl. So evidently I attract the super nice but very nerdy guys. I just don’t have the heart to say no when they ask me out. The problem is, when I agree to go out with someone who's nice but not attractive to me, I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. What is a nice way to say no?
Signed,
Wish I Were Not Quite So Polite
Dear Wish,
Before I give you advice on how to say no, just remember that nerds make the best husbands. I say that because sometimes we get an idea stuck in our heads about what our mate should be like, when we'd be better off keeping an open mind. I actually think it’s great you’re at least going out on a first date with these guys, because you honestly never know how you might feel about a guy until you give him a chance.
Okay, now that I’ve given you my pitch for open-mindedness, I will concede that there are times when you know you are just not interested. And if you're sure that's how you feel, then there is no point in wasting anyone’s time. So a simple, “Thank you so much but I’m not interested” is a nice but direct way to turn a gentleman down. You have to keep in mind that you’re probably not the first person to turn this guy down and there is a chance you aren’t going to be the last. I know you don't want to hurt the guy's feelings, but with a relative stranger, it's fine for you to consider your own feelings first. If the gentleman persists, you can always say, “I’m sorry but I just don’t feel the chemistry.” No one can argue with that!
All the best,
Kelli
--------------------------------------
Bon voyage,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
My son is now five, old enough for me to drop him off at a playdate and actually leave. Yay! My problem is that there's a little girl he really adores, but every time I see the girl’s mom, she’s on her cell phone, either texting or talking. I mean every single time! I worry that if I drop my son off at her house, the mom will not really be supervising them. How do I know for sure?
Signed,
The Mom's a Cell Phone Addict
Dear Mom's a Cell Phone Addict,
You really won’t know for sure unless you’re a fly on the wall. So my first thought is for you to try and have most playdates at your house. If your son asks to go to the girl's house, ask the girl’s mom if she wants to hang out while the kids play. This way, you won’t be depriving your son of fun time at the girl’s house and you can know for sure the kids are being watched properly.
I’d be careful about voicing your concerns directly to the mom, however. She may feel insulted, and you run the risk of ruining your son’s friendship with the little girl. So if you want your son to enjoy these playdates but also be sure that he's well supervised, I'm afraid you're going to have to have them at your house, or stay with him at the little girl's house.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I’m what people consider a nice girl. So evidently I attract the super nice but very nerdy guys. I just don’t have the heart to say no when they ask me out. The problem is, when I agree to go out with someone who's nice but not attractive to me, I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. What is a nice way to say no?
Signed,
Wish I Were Not Quite So Polite
Dear Wish,
Before I give you advice on how to say no, just remember that nerds make the best husbands. I say that because sometimes we get an idea stuck in our heads about what our mate should be like, when we'd be better off keeping an open mind. I actually think it’s great you’re at least going out on a first date with these guys, because you honestly never know how you might feel about a guy until you give him a chance.
Okay, now that I’ve given you my pitch for open-mindedness, I will concede that there are times when you know you are just not interested. And if you're sure that's how you feel, then there is no point in wasting anyone’s time. So a simple, “Thank you so much but I’m not interested” is a nice but direct way to turn a gentleman down. You have to keep in mind that you’re probably not the first person to turn this guy down and there is a chance you aren’t going to be the last. I know you don't want to hurt the guy's feelings, but with a relative stranger, it's fine for you to consider your own feelings first. If the gentleman persists, you can always say, “I’m sorry but I just don’t feel the chemistry.” No one can argue with that!
All the best,
Kelli
--------------------------------------
Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
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