by
Rachel Kurzius
We heard last week from a letter-writer whose friend’s
birthday plans concerned him. The friend’s Big-40 bash involved all of his
loved ones paying out the wazoo so he could have his dream evening at a fancy
restaurant. The friend asked, “How common is it for someone to arrange their
own party at one of the most expensive venues in the area then expect all the
guests to pay for it?”
Based on the responses I got from readers, the answer is
“way more common than you think.” One reader really identified with the
letter-writer:
“After reading this letter, I cringed, as it happened to
my partner and me! A friend's husband wanted to treat her to an expensive
dinner at a DC hot spot. We were under the impression that the husband was
going to foot the bill. So, in appreciation I purchased an expensive bottle of
wine. Well, after a wonderful and very indulgent dinner, we were all informed
that we would need to pay hundreds of dollars for the meal.
"My partner and I were under some very distressful
financial hardship at the time and the total of nearly so many hundreds of
dollars for a single evening was an added burden that we didn't need at all. We
and another mutual friend were outraged. We pulled back from the friendship as
did the mutual friend. It's amazing how one thoughtless move can change a
relationship irrevocably.”
Another reader noted, “If this is his idea of how to
celebrate turning just a measly 40, I can't even begin to imagine what kind of
plans this tacky dude would try to impose on his friends and acquaintances when
he turns 50. I'm guessing that his guest list may shrink considerably between
now and then, though, because these birthday plans of his have 'self-absorbed
jerk' written all over them.”
Let this be a notice to all of you would-be birthday boys
and girls -- your friends notice when you try to stick them with the bill. Take
your birthday as an opportunity to celebrate all of the people in your life,
not alienate them with your parsimony.
And now, to this week’s query.
Dear Rachel,
I share an office with a 20-something male. I am a
30-something female. Generally we get along just fine. I bite my tongue a bit
about some of his behavior because it is his first job and I recognize that he
still has some growing up to do. I don't feel like I'm in a position to teach
him office etiquette.
But he has so many annoying habits that are driving me
crazy. Some of his habits are things that everyone does, he just does them with
more vigor. For example, every time he sits in his seat he says, "Oy!";
every time he takes a sip of water he says, "Aah"; every morning he
scrapes his cereal bowl (I usually have to leave the room), and so on. I kind
of think he likes annoying me so I don't want him to know how much he does so
maybe he will eventually stop. But I also feel bad asking him to stop or tone
it down because these actions seem to come naturally to him. His former office
mate complained of similar behavior. I feel I have to be non-confrontational at
work. How can I address this?
Thanks,
Getting Scraped Out
Dear Getting Scraped Out,
From gum-snapping to snot-sniffing, coworkers’ grating
habits can become all-consuming frustrations. I’ve noticed something about what
bugs me and what doesn’t. When I’m in a good mood, it’s tough to get me down.
If I’m already annoyed, you better believe each hum, every last toe tap, grates
to no end. Coworkers won’t stop cracking their knuckles just because it ticks
you off.
What concerns me more about your letter is this snippet:
“I kind of think he likes annoying me.” If that’s true, it’s way more immature
than the scraping. From the way your last coworker put it, though, it seems
like this dude is just very dramatic about his everyday behaviors. And frankly,
if he really believes each sip of water deserves an “Aah!” I kind of envy the
guy.
Does it prevent you from doing your work? If it does, you
should talk to whoever got that last officemate a new desk. But you say you
generally get along fine. If this is your main concern, get a good set of
headphones instead.
I wonder about one other thing you said -- that you can’t
be confrontational at work. It depends what you mean by confrontational. No
need to pick fights all of the time, but there are moments you need to speak
up. I have no idea where you work, or what the power structure is like there,
but I can say this: advocate for yourself. Sometimes that will cause others to
bristle. You should still do it.
We all have weird ticks. We all have different pet
peeves, too. Your letter got me asking about the habits that bug them at work
and in life. I heard about one co-worker who chews ice all day. Another
pretends to get injured by the shelf above his desk every time he stands. One
fake-answers the phone from famous people (that one sounds pretty funny).
Someone told me about a coworker who came in drunk and spent all day chugging
mouthwash. I heard lots of offenses about music-listening habits.
People are going to do things that annoy you until you
stop letting it get to you. At least this office-mate will make for some great
stories.
All my best,
Rachel
__
Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided
counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she
works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is
Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com,
on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or
advice @ fastmail.net.
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