Dear Kelli,
A friend of mine can’t attend my son’s fifth birthday party. She asked if her mother could bring her kids, though. I’m insulted that she isn't coming and feel even more annoyed she wants to send her kids along with her mother! Am I out of line?
Signed,
It’s My Party and I'll Cry If I Want to!
Dear It’s My Party,
I believe it will help to remember that this is a party for your son and his friends. It's not your party. Yes, it’s a plus if you like the mothers of your kid’s friends but the party is really for and about him, and the guests should be the kids he likes, (especially at the age of 5 when he can discern who he likes for the most part). Your son likes your friend’s kids and it shouldn't matter who brings them. So I’d say yes, you’re a bit out of line. You can tell your friend you’re disappointed she can’t make the party but be grateful her kids are still able to be there and celebrate with your son.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I'm embarrassed to say that I’m constantly late. I’ve tried setting my watch earlier, “pretending”that an event starts ten minutes earlier, and so forth. How can I change this awful habit?
Signed,
Late for an Important Date
Dear Late for an Important Date,
Change comes when you’re ready and truly motivated. So let me first ask you: Are you really ready to change your habit? If so, you should write down a list of why you want to change your tardy behavior. Perhaps a few things on your list could be: It’s disrespectful to others; it’s a message to others that their time is less important than mine, I feel frazzled when I get there late, and so on.
Seeing your motivations in writing is a good way to fuel a change, and I have a feeling this may be the spark you need. Challenge yourself with ten days of being punctual, checking your list if need be, and giving yourself a reward at the end if you do it!
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
A mom I know is always asking me to get our children together for playdates, but I’m just not interested. The problem is that I don't really like to spend time with her. I don’t dislike her but I don’t love hanging out with her. I’m not sure why. She’s very nice but I just don’t get much out of our outings. I've turned down her invitations but she's not getting the hint. How can I let her know how I feel without insulting her?
Signed,
No Playdates Please
Dear No Playdates Please,
Based on what you've told me, it sounds to me as if you're giving mixed messages. You don’t want to be friends with her, yet you don’t want to say so out of fear of hurting her feelings. What you have to keep in mind is that this is a no-win situation for both of you. She’s getting rejected without knowing the real reason, and you’re frustrated she hasn’t given up.
So be upfront with her and you’ll both be free of this mess. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s more respectful than avoiding her or lying. You could say something like this: “Thank you so much for the invite. I have to be honest, though and say I’m not sure I feel a chemistry in our friendship. You’re such a kind person and I appreciate all the offers, but I’m going to pass.”
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli
Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a
featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for
the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli
welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli
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Kelly - Generally I think your advice is quite thoughtful and original. You tend to avoid platitudes and simple fixes, which I very much appreciate. Sometimes you miss the mark, though, in my estimation, primarily by failing to see the REAl issue presented. This is the case with the ridiculously narcissistic letter from No Playdates Please. The issue presented, in my mind, as a mother of 4, is that the sender is so self involved that she fails to think of the children on the receiving end of her desire to limit contact with their mother. Who cares what she thinks of the mother? Isn't it the children who want the playdate? When a kid asks to have a playdate with one of my children, I ALWAYS say yes, no matter what I think of the parents or even the kid for that matter - even if my child isn't particularly interested. I treat other people's children the way I want mine to be treated, and when my kid asks me why my repeated attempts to get a playdate with a favorite friend are rebuffed, my heart breaks for them. The letter's author should think less about her own petty desires and more about the kids who's feelings she is impacting.
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