Dear Kelli,
I have a friend, Jane, who constantly makes small barbs and jabs at my expense. For, example, she will say "'we are not friends" and then say "we are" after I do not respond. Another time, she mentioned that she was going to this place that we had discussed going to together, and then said "you're not invited." After I said, "okay," she came back with a "just kidding."
I have brought up this kind of thing with her a few times, and sometimes she says she is sorry, and sometimes she blows it off. After telling her directly that I don't like this sort of thing, she will claim that I'm blowing it out of proportion, or she will say it is a part of who she is.
I have brought up this kind of thing with her a few times, and sometimes she says she is sorry, and sometimes she blows it off. After telling her directly that I don't like this sort of thing, she will claim that I'm blowing it out of proportion, or she will say it is a part of who she is.
I realize that I cannot change my friend, and am considering if I want to continue the friendship with her. I like hanging out with her, but find her constant negativity challenging and putting me on guard in a way that I find tiring. I am a very loving and devoted friend, but I do not have a lot of close friends, since it takes time
to build that kind of a relationship, and there definitely needs to be a honeymoon time before people get a little snippy.
to build that kind of a relationship, and there definitely needs to be a honeymoon time before people get a little snippy.
To add another layer to this cake, I feel like she has almost purposely pushed me to this limit as a test. She knows that I am the kind of person who has a limit and that I will disengage from people who do not meet my expectations, sometimes assertively, and sometimes passively. I am not interested in being someone emotional punching bag, since I just got out of a verbally abusive relationship. She mentioned that my personality is quite similar to her ex-husband's and a part of me wonders if she is playing out some drama from her ex with me by pushing me away? Either way we are taking a break, and I am considering if I want to remain friends. Do you have any advice on how to maintain the friendship?
Cheers,
Taking a break
Dear Taking a Break,
My advice on how to maintain this friendship is simple: Don’t. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me, and it’s making you uncomfortable, frustrated, and confused. The fact you described it as being someone’s “emotional punching bag” tells me it’s a pretty intense relationship and in no way a sign of a healthy one. Friends are supposed to be loving, supportive, and kind. Not emotionally abusive or cold.
It sounds to me that the one thing that is swaying you toward trying to maintain this relationship is the fact that you have few close friends. It does take time and energy to build a new friendship but I’m thinking it’s not worth the investment of energy to try and keep this one alive. You say you’re a devoted and loyal friend. Don’t you think others will appreciate that great quality more than Jane has?
Trust your instincts and say goodbye to Jane. A real friend doesn’t treat someone with disrespect.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I work in an office with a lot of young people. I’m not old --I'm in my forties-- but I usually work with twenty-year-olds. One of them, someone I don’t know well, sits a few cubicles away. I’ve noticed that she constantly has cuts up and down her arms. I’m really thinking she’s a “cutter.” Again, I don’t know her well, and don’t want to overstep my bounds, but I feel like this girl is on the slow boat to death.
Signed,
Next to a Cutter
Dear Next to a Cutter,
The safest thing you can do is report your concern to Human Resources at your job. If you feel more comfortable, you can send in your concern anonymously. If this situation is as delicate as you describe, it’s best to get a professional involved.
All the best,
Kelli
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Cheers,
Taking a break
Dear Taking a Break,
My advice on how to maintain this friendship is simple: Don’t. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me, and it’s making you uncomfortable, frustrated, and confused. The fact you described it as being someone’s “emotional punching bag” tells me it’s a pretty intense relationship and in no way a sign of a healthy one. Friends are supposed to be loving, supportive, and kind. Not emotionally abusive or cold.
It sounds to me that the one thing that is swaying you toward trying to maintain this relationship is the fact that you have few close friends. It does take time and energy to build a new friendship but I’m thinking it’s not worth the investment of energy to try and keep this one alive. You say you’re a devoted and loyal friend. Don’t you think others will appreciate that great quality more than Jane has?
Trust your instincts and say goodbye to Jane. A real friend doesn’t treat someone with disrespect.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I work in an office with a lot of young people. I’m not old --I'm in my forties-- but I usually work with twenty-year-olds. One of them, someone I don’t know well, sits a few cubicles away. I’ve noticed that she constantly has cuts up and down her arms. I’m really thinking she’s a “cutter.” Again, I don’t know her well, and don’t want to overstep my bounds, but I feel like this girl is on the slow boat to death.
Signed,
Next to a Cutter
Dear Next to a Cutter,
The safest thing you can do is report your concern to Human Resources at your job. If you feel more comfortable, you can send in your concern anonymously. If this situation is as delicate as you describe, it’s best to get a professional involved.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I am a mom of two kids and my neighbor is a mom of three kids. I understand she's under a lot of stress, but Kelli, she is definitely a “rageful” mom. She screams at the top of the lungs at her children if they misbehave. I haven’t seen her hit them but she definitely has lost it on several occasions in front of me. What can I do?
Signed,
Neighbor of Mom Who Goes Nuts
Dear Neighbor of Mom Who Goes Nuts,
I applaud you for trying to help these children. This is a situation where it’s possible to intervene but it’s best to appear very very discreet. Parenting is a very personal decision and if you’re coming across in any way judgmental, you may experience some of the rage those children are receiving. Next time you experience her rageful side, I’d say something like, “You know, my children get upset like that too. Any way I can help?” If she takes you up on her offer, advise her on how “you” take a time out when you feel you’re frustrated, you count to ten, you try to avoid letting frustrating situations occur (for example, by helping kids transition, trying to prepare for anticipated difficulties, and so on), and you remember they are only kids after all. You can also suggest some parenting classes. And of course if you ever see the mother hit her children or think her yelling has crossed the line into abuse, don’t hesitate to call the police or social services.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
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