Ask Kelli: Staying Calm before Child's Surgery

by Kelli Miller

Dear Kelli,

My son needs surgery and I'm terrified. My spouse will be there, which should help, but I still feel so alone. I don't want my son to see how nervous I am. Any thoughts about how to get through this?

Signed,
Nervous Mom


Dear Nervous Mom,

Of course, any mom would be nervous when her child is having surgery. It's normal to feel scared, so please know you're not alone.

I would recommend some meditating or deep breathing exercises, starting now until the day of surgery. I'd also strongly encourage you to talk to your spouse about your fears. That way you will be able to support each other and perhaps you can come up with ways together to help reassure each other through the process.

I would also suggest that you ask around to see if other parents you know might have had a child in surgery. It might help to hear from someone who has already been through this experience. You should also talk with the doctor about what to expect during and after the surgery.

Finally, practice saying some positive affirmations out loud, something like this: "My son is in capable hands with highly trained surgeons. He will be okay."

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

I wear a hearing aid and feel self-conscious about it. I can tell people notice it and then look away. It bothers me. Do I say something to make them realize I see them looking?

Signed,
Ear Conscious

Dear Ear Conscious,

It's understandable you'd be self-conscious. You wear a device that's not very familiar to most people. When people aren't accustomed to seeing something, they may take a second glance. This is normal and to be expected. Your part is to realize that people may take a second look but it doesn't necessarily mean they are judging you. And you are not your hearing impairment. However, your self-consciousness may be coloring your reaction to the fact that people normally will take a look. So no, I don't think it's a good idea to say anything to the person you notice glancing at you. Try to remember it's natural to be curious about others.

It might be helpful to attend a support group for people with hearing impairments. It sounds like you could use some reassurance you're not alone (and you aren't!)

All the best,
Kelli

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Dear Kelli,

My boss keeps asking me to spot him money for lunch. It's been twice this month alone. It would be okay if he would pay me back, but I never see the money. Will it hurt my relationship with him if I say no?

Signed,
Not Money Bags

Dear Not Money Bags,

It's not a responsibility of your job to pay for your boss's lunch. I understand your hesitation, but the lunch money shortfall is your boss's problem, not yours. You've already learned that you're not getting this money back, so why should you keep paying? The next time he asks, you can politely say, "I'm so sorry. I've been spending way too much money lately." You shouldn't feel obligated in any way. If you experience any negative consequences after you've said no, I would speak to Human Resources about it without delay.

All the best,
Kelli

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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.

Kelli welcomes your comments below.  Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.