by
Rachel Kurzius
Dear Rachel,
Recently, my friend asked me if she could crash at my
house for a bit. I thought it would be fine -- fun, in fact! So I said yes
after checking with my roommates to make sure that they were okay with it too.
Fast forward: it’s one day past when my friend said she’d
be out. It's nice to have her around, but truth be told, I'm looking forward to
having my space and routine back. I keep gently prodding, asking her things like,
"Where are you thinking you're going to move on to?" and "What's
your plan?" She doesn't really seem to have one.
I'm starting to resent the situation a little. I feel
like I shouldn't have to ask these questions -- she should just know that she
asked to stay for only so much time and now it's over. Time to move on. I feel
like kind of a jerk for thinking this because she is my friend, I did say yes
to having her, and aside from not having my place and routine to myself as it
normally is, it's not a huge deal that she's there.
But part of it too is that I know that her circumstances
for staying here aren't really dire. Like, at all. She's looking for an
apartment right now, but in the meantime, she does have plenty of other
options—including her nearby parents who are happy to have her stay, except
they live in the suburbs (totally accessible by metro).
I set myself a deadline and if she's still here by then,
it's gonna get awkward when I tell her straight up to go.
Am I a jerk? Any advice for this conversation?
Sincerely yours,
Homebody Interrupted
Dear Homebody Interrupted,
There are situations in which I might consider you
heartless for telling your friend to leave, especially seeing as she is merely
inconveniencing your routine. Those situations include your friend dealing with
intolerant parents, just breaking up with her live-in fiancé, having her
roommate suffer a psychotic breakdown, or getting mugged in her old place and
feeling too unsafe to return, among others.
But let’s see why your friend is taking up residence at
your place: she wants to be big city living. Right? I mean, where did she live
before she started crashing with you? It sounds like she’s been with her
parents in the ‘burbs and craves closer proximity to the action.
I don’t blame your friend for wanting those city lights.
But she can’t depend on you for them.
I’ve lived with folks who have slept on sofas for months
on end. Some people are totally fine living in someone’s living room and some
people love offering theirs up. If it works for all involved, then that’s
great.
It sounds like it works for your friend. But it’s not for
everyone.
You’re not a jerk just because you cherish your space
(unless, of course, you’re in one one of the situations discussed earlier). You
will probably become a jerk if you don’t talk to your friend about your
frustrations soon. They will only increase over time. You’ve tried to hint that
she’s overstayed your welcome, but you’re going to need to be more direct.
The best way to do this is, first of all, by not feeling
too bad about it. Don’t let your friend’s attitude about living room living
make you feel like a square. You don’t have to be ashamed. Just be
matter-of-fact. Tell her how fun it’s been to have her, but that she’s got to
find another couch to squat on.
You don't need to go into too much detail. After all, as
you said, she has options. And she can still come crash on the weekends sometimes if
she doesn’t find a place in city proper.
All my best,
Rachel
-------
Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided
counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she
works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is
Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com,
on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or
advice @ fastmail.net.
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