Real Talk With Rachel: Appropriate Appreciation

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I recently went on a trip and I met a very interesting pair of locals. We were soon joking and enjoying each other’s company. They invited me to join them for dinner and though they were very impoverished it was one of the best meals of my life, thanks to the company. It was very clear they had hit hard times, but I didn’t want to pay them for the meal or make it seem like I wanted to put a price on what an amazing time I had. Now that I look back on it, I wonder if I should have given them some money because they could have used it more than me. What should I have done?

No Such Thing As a Free Dinner?

Dear No Such Thing As a Free Dinner,

All you can do is ask. You don’t need to start the conversation with something like, “So how much should pay for dinner?” This is not a tit-for-tat exchange. Instead, acknowledge what was clear -- they’re going through hard times -- and ask if there’s anything you can do to help, because you’ve been touched by their company. 

This is harder than it sounds. I guess you already know that. It can feel awkward to talk about money, even as so many of our choices revolve around trying to get it or figuring out what to do with it. In a conversation as honest and open as yours seemed to be, though, you can try to move beyond that discomfort. 

Perhaps part of what made your experience with this duo so special is that it was completely divorced from how lots of people determine value. Money had nothing to do with your fantastic evening. Don’t let guilt over not handing over a check shade your memory now. 

The best way to honor your evening now is to try and be as open and warm with others as these two were with you. And in the future, if you're not sure if you can help someone out, then ask.

All best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays or Thursdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: She Could Do Better!

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I am in my late twenties and I live with two friends from graduate school. We all get along well, but I’ve been having an issue with my roommate Gina’s boyfriend, Johnny. First of all, he doesn’t seem to care about her very much. They’ve been dating since our last year of grad school (three years ago) but he still seems very noncommittal. When he comes to visit the apartment, he is not very friendly to me or our other roommate. Johnny is very successful and is always working, but comes to the apartment once a week. From interactions with him and talking to Gina about him, he sounds like he’s very selfish. She makes a lot of sacrifices to be with him and is always thinking about him and what he wants, but it seems like he doesn’t really consider her perspective.  How can I help her see that she should cut him loose? Gina deserves so much better!

Meddling for the Best


Dear Meddling for the Best,

Imagine Gina right now after three years of commitment to Johnny. Maybe she feels some of the doubts you outline -- he’s selfish, he’s not friendly, he doesn’t make time for her. But there must be something about Johnny that keeps her with him, even if he seems like a dirty dishrag to you.

As her friend, you want to make sure Gina knows your concerns -- and that's understandable. But you must tread incredibly lightly when it comes to airing your grievances. Being in a relationship means elevating another person, designating him as more important than other obligations or relationships. An attack on Johnny, no matter how narrow, quickly falls on Gina as well.

Even if you only aim to point out issues you take with her boyfriend, your friend will probably get defensive. After all, you’re impugning a defining decision of her life over these past three years. To avoid that, which will turn into a fight between the two of you rather than an opportunity to probe whether she actually wants to keep this guy around, you need to let her do the talking.

In the moments where she talks to you about the relationship, ask questions. Ask how it makes her feel when he acts selfishly, what she expects from a relationship. Or, when the two of you are chatting, mention attributes of relationships you admire. See if she shares the same values as you when it comes to a relationship.

That’s the funny thing about boyfriends and girlfriends. We’re all looking for different things in each other, which goes a long way towards explaining the craziness of dating. It’s a shame that you and Johnny don’t connect, but if it doesn’t bother Gina then it’s not an issue for their relationship. It’s an issue for your and Gina’s friendship.

All best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel.

Real Talk With Rachel: A Generation Removed But Still Concerned

By Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

My son has two young daughters, ages 8 and 10. He and his wife are very loving parents. However, my husband and I have noticed a strange dynamic in their household. Our younger granddaughter, call her Lily, is quite the charmer and has many friends at school, while our older granddaughter Jessica is more shy and has a difficult time connecting with children her age. Jessica seems jealous of her younger sister and often tries to spend time with Lily and her friends when they are playing at their house.

To add further tension, our daughter-in-law and Jessica have a sometimes uncomfortable relationship because Jessica will lash out at her mother, who will then get angry with her in return. It is a bad situation and our son isn’t trying to cool it down.

As grandparents, we’ve tried not to intervene too much, other than to try and take Jessica out to museums and such when Lily is off at birthday parties. I feel that perhaps Jessica and our daughter-in-law could benefit from some sort of counseling, but my husband says I should keep my opinions to myself. Should I?

Does Grandma Know Best?


Dear Does Grandma Know Best,

If you tell your son, apropos of nothing, that he should look into family counseling, he might become defensive. I don’t blame him. While I’m an advocate for counseling, recommending it sounds like (and often is) a critique of some kind. If you offend him, that will limit your ability to spend time with your granddaughters and have a positive influence on the situation.

And what a situation it is. Envy, frustration, and really all of the elements that make for high drama. My heart goes out to Jessica. Feeling like an odd duck is hard enough, but constantly having a reminder of what you aren’t makes her plight all the more difficult. I can see why she might try and emulate her younger sister.

Your best course of action is to try and help Jessica find an outlet for herself. I love that you’re taking her to museums and out to other activities. Try to see what kind of interests she has, and how she can nurture them into hobbies. That way, she can find her own unique brand of special and a way to feel good about herself. Plus, she could find friends with shared interests.

When you’re with your son’s family and you experience a fraught moment between Jessica and your daughter-in-law, it can be an opportunity to talk to your son about your concerns. Don’t view it as a confrontation. Instead, ask him a lot of questions and see how he reacts. You might get him to come to the conclusion that his family could benefit from some counseling on his own.

All best,
Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or at advice @ fastmail.net.
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Real Talk With Rachel: Graduated and Now Dated?

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I am a senior in college and my girlfriend is one year older than me. She graduated from the same college last year. When we were both in college, she had no problem hanging out with my friends. Now when we spend time together she is always insisting that we do it away from campus and she won't visit my apartment, which is right by campus.

She says that now that she's graduated and has a real job, it's embarrassing to go back on campus and spend time with college kids. It's frustrating for me because I am obviously still in college and I want to enjoy my senior year. What do I do?

Senior Slump


Dear Senior Slump,

Have you reminded your girlfriend that, despite her diploma and fancy new job, she is still dating a college kid? If you two are going to stay together, she needs to first deal with that fact.

Listen, I totally empathize with your girlfriend not wanting to hang out in all the same spots she frequented as a student. Why would she want to go to the campus library before she even has the time to get sentimental about it? Perhaps the issue of your apartment is more about its underclassmen decor (think empty pizza boxes and eau de stale beer) than the location. That being said, if she is going to continue to date you, she has got to make some compromises.

Being an "adult" essentially means whatever you want it to mean. A person doesn't need to tear down all her posters and hang up framed pictures instead to get a real world card. Your girlfriend can be an adult and have a boyfriend in college, but she needs to be confident enough to swing it. That's up to her.

Here's what's up to you: be honest with her. Tell her that you're frustrated that she seems embarrassed to be associated with anything still related to college, because that includes you. And remember that you're not someone to be ashamed about. It's perfectly fine if you want to spend your final year in college embracing all of the most college-y of college things. Unfortunately, one unavoidable underclassmen experience is heartbreak.

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.us.

Real Talk With Rachel: Are You Buying It?

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

My daughter is nine years old. Now that it is October she is very excited for Halloween. She wants to buy a costume from one of those Halloween stores to go trick-or-treating in. I am very opposed to this idea, because the costumes are not cheap and she will only wear it once. When I grew up, we would make and piece together our own costumes. But my daughter seems very intent on getting one of these store-bought costumes. Should I relent?

Trick-or-Treat My Daughter

Dear Trick-or-Treat My Daughter,

I am with you on store-bought costumes. They are a huge waste of money and entirely unoriginal. Your daughter might not share these values with us, however. I remember being your daughter's age and wanting one of the pre-packaged costumes so badly. There was mystique in their ease, and I found the idea getting a
special Halloween treat very appealing.

Talk to your daughter about what she wants to be for Halloween. Perhaps the two of you can brainstorm ways to create the costume at home, depending on your family's level of do-it-yourself aptitude. Go to a craft store or, if you're a pack rat, your own closet (or some combination) for the pieces you'll need. It could
be a very fun and creative project.

If you're less crafty, though, it could be a recipe for frustration. When other kids have their sleek, store-bought numbers, your daughter could feel embarrassed by her costume. That's not the end of the world (experiences like that can build character and she'll laugh about it in ten years), but the fact that you're even writing me tells me that trying to keep your daughter happy this Halloween.

It sounds like, while price isn't an issue for your budget, the principle of the matter bugs you. If you do decide to relent and go store-bought, you might want to find a way for your daughter to earn the costume. October has only just begun, so you can establish some new chores or tasks for your daughter to complete
in order to buy the Halloween ensemble. That way, she knows that the costume didn't just magically arrive from the store. She might feel extra pride knowing that she worked for it.

One thing that really bugs me about those store-bought costumes, especially for girls, is the way that they sexualize just about every known character and profession. Normally those costumes arrive after puberty, but be on the lookout if you do go store-bought, because there's no reason to have a nine-year-old
sexy Oompa Loompa.

All best,

Rachel
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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays or Thursdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.us.

Real Talk With Rachel: Filling An Empty Room

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

My three housemates and I are looking for a new housemate, after a bedroom is opening at the end of the month. We didn't mean for it to be so last-minute, but the person we chose backed out a few days ago. Now we have turned to Craigslist and we disagree on who should move in. We have narrowed it down to two people. One prefers that the person who moves in has a reliable paycheck while another wants someone who has more of a freelancing career and less reliable income stream, but seemed way more chill. I am the deciding vote but I feel very split down the middle. How should I pick?

Home Is for the One I Choose


Dear Home Is for the One I Choose,

The main function of having a housemate is to have someone who will split the rent with you. Four bedrooms divided by four makes a lot more sense than four bedrooms divided by three. Finding a housemate who can reliably send in a rent check should be the main standard by which you decide a housemate. You're not running a charity home for chill people.

That being said, I am unconvinced that having a "freelancing career" means that someone cannot send in a monthly check. While the housemates should vet rooming candidates (don't feel bad about scouring social networking sites and checking references to make sure everything is as it seems), I don't see why being a freelancer necessarily means a person is less likely to follow through on bills. Has this person told you they are living hand-to-mouth, or does your housemate just have a bias against people who don't work a typical 9-to-5 job? (Remember that even a person with a reliable paycheck can lose their job.) I find it hard to believe that someone would apply to live in a home they don't think they'll be able to afford on a monthly basis.

That's not to say it doesn't happen. I've lived in a housing situation where a person straight-up didn't pay rent and the rest of us were on the hook for it. Don't let that happen to you. Make sure your potential housemate can pay up - after all, that's the main reason they're coming on board. And if they're not the coolest, most interesting person? Well, it happens. The three of you original housemates can set your expectations in regards to cleanliness and atmosphere, recognizing that you don't have to be best friends to respectfully share a refrigerator and bathroom.

Plus, you never know if the strange courting experience of finding new housemates will pleasantly surprise you. I recently found some old Craigslist correspondences for an open room. Turns out the person who got that spot, now a good friend, had a pretty rote letter of introduction. If I wanted to, I could have picked out tons of reasons why she wouldn't fit the bill. Just goes to show that your few encounters with these people won't portend whether they'll be a good fit.

So, make sure your housemate can fulfill their financial obligations. All things being equal otherwise, I would always go with the person who gave you better vibes. After all, you're going to be living with them.

All the best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.us.

Real Talk With Rachel: September Loving

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I am a guy in my late twenties. I met a woman through friends this spring and we immediately had an awesome connection. We hung out three or four nights every week and I had never felt this way about anyone.

Things were going so well, but she told me that she was questioning things because she had just ended a long relationship about a month before we met and got together. From the way she talked about him, I don’t think she loved him, but she said she needed the month of August to take a step back and think about whether she wanted to be involved, even though she said she really liked me and felt the same way.

So I respected her wishes and left her alone all throughout August. The whole time I wondered if she ever really liked me and I was filled with doubts. I got a call from her on August 31 saying she was ready to spend time together.

It was great to see her and I still enjoy her company but something has changed. That passion I used to feel has gone away. I told her I would give her August but now I am not sure that I want September. What should I do?

Taking It Month by Month


Dear Taking It Month by Month,

When your lady told you she needed to take August off, she took a risk. She wasn’t ready to give you her all back at the end of July, but she gambled that you’d be waiting for her come September.

I respect her for being so attuned to her own emotional needs and upfront with you about her feelings.

Here’s the thing: this whole “off for August” deal was entirely masterminded by your gal. Yes, you tacitly agreed to it, but spent most of August in a state of doubt, especially after gliding through much of the spring and early summer in a state of passionate bliss. And while putting on the brakes may have helped your lady friend get in the right mental state, it infused you with doubts and interrupted the flow you had been enjoying.

Can you two still turn this into a September to remember? Possibly. To do so, you’re going to have to get over the sense of rejection that she made you feel through August. I don’t blame you for feeling jilted. After all, you two had a good thing going. But it was never going to work in the long run unless she felt comfortable enough to let herself dive in fully. The question is whether August spoiled your sense of the relationship at the same time that it primed hers.

You don’t have to make any major decisions right now. You can keep spending time with your lady and enjoy her company. If the spark is gone, you two will both feel it. You’re lucky that you can be honest and open with one another about your feelings. Make sure you keep that up.

All best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Thursdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.us.

Real Talk With Rachel: Rushing to the Altar

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I am 24 and so is my fiance. We met nine months ago and I knew very quickly that I wanted to be with her forever. I love spending time with her and we share the same values. We got engaged last week and plan on getting married in two months.

I thought my family would be excited but they are not supportive at all. They think that we are making a mistake in rushing into marriage because we dont have a nest egg and will have such a short engagement.

Heres the reason my fiance and I are rushing into it: we are both virgins. We have never been intimate with each other or with anyone else, because we both believe our first time should be with our partner in marriage. We are getting anxious to do the deed and have been tempted more times than I'd like to think about.

I want to be able to give my virginity to my wife as a gift on our wedding night, and for her to do the same for me. At the same time, are my parents right that we cant get married without more time and more money?

Hopeful Husband


Dear Hopeful Husband,

Your parents have two main concerns: the time and the money. The money is a bit easier to suss out, so lets start with that.

Being married isn't actually a costly endeavor. Considering that you and your betrothed would be sharing a living space, you might actually be saving money. Getting married, on the other hand, can get quite expensive.
If you're planning an all-out reception, especially at the last minute, you can expect to pay top-dollar and perhaps even go into debt. To ensure that there'll be no huge hit to your wallet, you need to keep your celebration simple and small.

Children are also expensive. Recent reports show raising a kid averages out to a cost of more than $241,000 by the time the child reaches 18. But again, nothing in your letter made it seem like you're planning on starting a family when you and your fiance get married.

The time thing, on the other hand, rings more like a true concern. You and your fiance sound like people who take marriage quite seriously. Otherwise, you wouldn't be saving a huge part of your adult life -- sex -- for your wedding night. But this obsession with purity is leaving the two of you in a contradictory situation.

You say yourself that you're rushing to the altar so the two of you can have sex. While I respect your adherence to your religion, an unintended consequence is that the two of you are hurrying the whole courting phase in order to make it to the part where you get to do the deed.

The problem with rushing is that you cant be as thorough in getting to know another person. Sharing values is important and a good sign for your relationship. Being able to handle one anothers eccentricities and
annoyances is another. Nine months may feel like eternity, but you don't know the meaning of forever until you know what its like to wait for the bathroom when youve got to pee like no other and your loved one is
fastidiously grooming with no sign of abatement. It takes time to grow accustomed to the rhythms of another person.

And I know you haven't experienced this yet, but sex is a huge part of a relationship. People have lots of different preferences, from how often they want to have sex to how adventurous they'd like to be. Your decision to save yourself until marriage means that you and your fiance won't get to know how compatible the two of you are until after you say, I do.

If your'e so sure that your betrothed is the one you're going to be with forever, then I wonder if you two might be able to give each other those gifts a little earlier than planned. That way, you can spend more time
getting to know one another in every sense of the word.

All best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays or Thursdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or at advice @ fastmail.us.

Real Talk With Rachel: A House With a Hole

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I live in a group house with four other twenty-somethings. We are generally on good terms but are not really friends. One of my roommates was on a trip to California when we learned that he had attempted suicide there. He tried to hang himself. He survived but he broke his neck. We were all shocked.

We all wrote letters to him to send to the hospital. Before we could send them out, he died. Now we’re debating whether we should still send them for his family, or if it would just cause them more pain. We also need to figure out what to do with all of his stuff. What should we do?

House Vacancy


Dear House Vacancy,

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Even if you weren’t close to your roommate, these reminders of our mortality can feel like punches to the gut. I hope you have a support system you can lean on during these (and all) times.

In these moments, concern arises about “the right thing to do.” I hate to break it to you, but there is no right thing to do. That would make things too easy. We all handle death differently, so what feels comforting to some people will be off-putting to others. Ultimately, what matters most is that you try to break through the awkwardness to explain to loved ones how the deceased person affected you.

Definitely send letters of condolence to the family of your roommate. Focus on what your roommate meant to you, the words of wisdom he imparted on you, a funny memory you have of him. If the letters intended for the roommate hit these kinds of notes, then send them along with the condolence letters for the family. But if they strike more of the “hold on, life is worth living” tone, then they might remind his family of the violence of his death rather than the vitality of his life.

In terms of how to deal with all of your roommates things, you should defer to what the family needs. Would they like to rummage through his things and see his room one last time? Or would they prefer to have his valuable things in boxes and never see the rest of it again? Presumably, there is a point of contact from the family who can discuss these preferences with your household. Make sure to keep things tidy in the meantime. Be patient if the family is unclear in their wishes or lashes out in seemingly strange ways.

As you process your feelings about this death, I wanted to share something called the “Ring Theory.” Explained in full here (http://lat.ms/XBkyRm ), the Ring Theory says that you should comfort and give support to the people who are more affected by the trauma, and share your own frustrations or grievances with those who are less central. That way, you’ll be able to vent in a meaningful way without impeding the grieving process of others.

All my best,

Rachel
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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.us.

Real Talk With Rachel: Clerking Out

by Rachel Kurzius


Dear Rachel,

I graduated from college this spring and moved back to DC. I’ve been working at a small business owned by a woman who has been a great boss to me. It is a small store and I am the only clerk there other than the owner. For the whole summer she has been training me in the details of the store in addition to ringing people up and cleaning. It is a good way to make money while I try to figure out what to do next but it’s not how I imagine my future.

I am starting to apply to other jobs but now I feel very guilty. When I’m working, the owner gets to do things like spend time with her kids which I know she enjoys. I feel bad that she will lose this when I leave. Should I warn her that I am looking at other jobs so that she’ll be prepared for me to leave?

Job Search or Soul Search


Dear Job Search or Soul Search,

I respect your compassion and sense of duty to your employer. These traits make you a valuable employee and I hope that your boss cherishes your work.

Despite this, you are utterly and totally replaceable.

Think for a moment about what happened last winter, when you were off finishing your degree. Did the owner still manage to see her children? Did the store still function? Of course. And it will keep on keeping on once you’ve left for a new opportunity.

This is why I don’t think you should warn your boss about your job search. Surely she knows that you don’t plan on being a clerk in her store forever. Implicit in the employer/employee at-will relationship is that either one of you may be looking around for something better. But if you tell her that you’re starting to search, she might do the same. And unfortunately, there could be a pretty big time lapse from beginning the search and landing your next job. You don’t want to lose this source of income before that.

Some people will tell you you’re silly for feeling guilty about looking in the first place. I’ve felt that guilt before, too, though. My friends call it my penchant for “Stockholm Syndrome,” like kidnap victims who end up empathizing with their captors. But it probably means that you have a good relationship with your boss. In the future, you’ll be able to rely on the boss for references and perhaps, if you’re looking for extra money during holidays or weekends, you can ask if she needs anyone to work in the store during that time.

Just make sure you’re courteous in giving your two weeks notice when you do land a new gig.

Good luck!

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesday or Thursday. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.us.

Real Talk With Rachel: Back in the Saddle

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I have been single for about a year, since my girlfriend and I broke up. It has been the most traumatic thing that I’ve ever felt. I’m getting to be an older guy -- I’m almost 30 -- and I don’t want get serious and in love for two years before it all ending in heartbreak again.

This wasn’t my first girlfriend, I’ve had a lot of girlfriends for different amounts of time since high school. For some reason, this breakup just wrecked me. I’ve hooked up with lots of women since and I don’t feel a connection with any of them.

How do I get over this fear that connection will just leave me right back where I was?

Not Ready to Mingle


Dear Not Ready to Mingle,

I’m sorry for your loss. Breaking up with someone you love is like losing an outlet for yourself. There is a half-life for love, except its path is less linear. Sometimes, you can forget entirely. Other days an errant sense will take you right back there -- the lust, discovery, regret, longing, disgust.

But as the ur-advice columnist Dan Savage says, even your best-case scenario for a loving partnership is a bit bleak. Let’s say you meet the perfect person and both of you are lucky to live 100 years together. One of you is going to die first. That’s what I call ending in heartbreak.

I don’t mean to get you down here. As grisly as the outlook appears, the horizon brightens with connection. After all, if heartbreak is inevitable then you can’t keep fearing it or using it as an excuse to keep a shield up.

Trauma is a constant negotiation with yourself. Just like love, it doesn’t go away quietly. But you can control how much it affects you. You can tame it. Find an outlet. If you can, talk to someone like a counselor or therapist. Notice times when you feel good and try to figure out how to replicate them.

You’re never going to be back where you were, regardless of whether you date again. I can’t assure you that you won’t face heartbreak again. In fact, I can come much closer to promising you the opposite. But it won’t make you feel the same as you did before.

And know that serial monogamy isn’t the only way to find connection. My most fulfilling and rewarding relationships are those with my friends. They have their share of drama and trauma too, though generally less than the romance.

Will your next connection be two years of monogamy? A month? A lifetime? A furtive glance? A friendship? It will be none of these if you keep yourself so closed off. You deserve to feel something, even knowing that it might end. You’ll appreciate the strange moments, the laughter and the quirks even more
knowing that they aren’t forever.

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays (and sometimes Thursdays). Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @
fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: The Squirming Bystander

Dear Rachel,

When I’m back home in Louisiana, I frequently hang out with my friend and her aunt. They aren’t biologically related, but are functionally a part of the same nuclear family. After the death of my friend’s mother in high school, her "aunt" stepped in as the female figure. She’s been a huge support to my friend through many difficult times. I’ve appreciated getting to know her over the last ten years. In many ways, she’s been a mentor to me as well. She is a loyal, caring, and generally sweet person, but frequently says horribly offensive things that make me very uncomfortable. She’s also recently been diagnosed with terminal illness.

Last week, I went out to drinks with them both. My friend’s aunt got really drunk, in large part due to her distress over the illness. When we left the bar, she said some terribly racist things to some strangers, totally unprovoked. I was horrified, but I didn’t do anything. My friend was unphased. This may have been the worst time I’d witnessed this kind of behavior from her, but it certainly wasn’t the first, but I’ve also become more uncomfortable with it since leaving Louisiana.

It makes me really, really uncomfortable to witness this kind of behavior from someone I respect. I also don’t feel comfortable correcting someone who is twice my age and very sick. On the other hand, I’m not comfortable being silent. Should I stop associating myself with this person? Do I just let it slide?

To Respect a Racist?


Dear To Respect a Racist,

This woman sounds like a big part of your life, at least when you’re back in Louisiana. Is it really worth losing her friendship because you’re afraid of feeling uncomfortable when you speak your mind?

One of your concerns about this confrontation is the aunt’s age. You call her a mentor, or at least you felt that way in high school. Now, you’re older. You realize that this woman has some amazing qualities, but she is also a racist. This bothers you to the point that you’d consider cutting her out of your life entirely. She deserves to know that you’re freaked out by her behavior.

You’re not breaking some informal rule just because you haven’t said anything about this aunt’s racism in the past. There’s a famous quote from Nelson Mandela that, “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” Leaving home and moving to DC gave you a new perspective. Perhaps you notice it more when you go back to Louisiana.

But the concern over confronting someone older than you is only part of it. This terminal illness throws another wrinkle into your quandry. But a terminal illness, just like any other awful occurrence, cannot justify treating people like they are less than you. We’ve all got death sentences, but that’s no excuse for skirting around the truth.

This isn’t to say that you should confront the aunt when she’s lying on a deathbed. Context matters. If you find yourself in another social situation with the aunt and she makes a racist remark, that’s when you’ve got to speak up. Not only for yourself, but for the sake of the person on the receiving end of the aunt’s remark. They deserve to know that other people have their back. And for yourself, because when you are aware of things like racism, you have an obligation to work towards obliterating it in ways large and small.

I wonder if part of the reason you want to skip the whole confrontation” stage is because you doubt it will change anything. Does the racism you've seen in this aunt cancel out all of the good you know about her? Is it even worth that awkward moment of confrontation if she’s just an unsalvageable racist?

We all live with preconceived notions about each other. This is not an excuse for your aunt’s behavior. It’s just to say that you have the power to expand this woman’s sense of empathy. Who knows if it will stop the spew of offensive language from her mouth, or if she will just watch her tongue around you. In a way, it doesn’t even matter. It is enough that she knows you find this behavior unacceptable.

With family, we sometimes make exceptions for intolerance that we would never grant to friends. But we still need to engage with their bigotry in the hopes we can help it erode over time.

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: A Superstorm Dilemma

Dear Readers,

You never know when a column will prompt a flurry of responses. So imagine my surprise last week upon receiving so many thoughtful notes about the letter, especially seeing all of the different ways you all interpreted the advice-seeker and my response.

To jog your memory, someone wrote in regarding an interaction in a grocery store. The letter-writer handed the clerk a $20 bill, which she promptly refused because the “God” in the “In God We Trust” was crossed out. The clerk called it an affront to God. The letter-writer, an atheist, just fished a different bill out of his wallet and finished his purchase. But the moment stayed with him, and he asked me whether he should have been more assertive in demanding that the clerk take the bill.

I advised him to let it go. Sure, he was right about the legal tender and all, but it wasn’t worth picking a fight when he had other bills so readily available.

Interestingly, many responses to last week’s column inquired about my own religious leanings, and there were incredibly divergent interpretations. Others applauded my sticking up for the supermarket clerk and her beliefs.

I’d like to say this in response -- I would advise the clerk the exact same thing I advised the letter writer -- don't sweat the small stuff. Money passes hands all the time -- what are the chances that the person with the $20 bill actually made the scribble? I like to think that God would be forgiving enough to let something like that slide. Regardless of what we believe in terms of a higher being, it’s important to acknowledge those glimmers of the divine in one another and try to extend whatever empathy and playfulness we have to share.

And now, onto a case of missing empathy!

Dear Rachel,

My cousin opened a thrift store in New York City with a few business partners. After Hurricane Sandy, there were a lot (a whole lot) of clothes that had been donated that places like the Red Cross didn’t accept. All of these clothes would have been thrown away but my cousin and some others decided to take them instead. Now they have a business thanks to it.

It makes me feel uncomfortable that all of these people gave away clothes thinking that they were helping people, but then just ended up being the start of my cousin’s business. What should I do?

Raggedy Relative

Dear Raggedy Relative,

All of the clothing donors certainly helped someone out when they gave away their old shirts and shorts -- they unwittingly provided the capital for your cousin’s new small business.

A couple of things strike me here. The first is that the clothing would have been thrown away if not for your cousin’s entrepreneurial streak. This is essentially a victimless crime. If anything, building a new business with potential employment opportunities could end up as a net-positive for the community.

But I can see why this venture emanates with “ick-factor.” There’s something unseemly about profiting off of disaster. Is that knee-jerk reaction enough to place a pox on this house of second-hand merchandise?

Perhaps probing the intent of why people donate clothes could be helpful. Certainly, in moments of crisis like Hurricane Sandy, people are thinking that their overalls and button-downs might be useful to those who have lost their own. It’s more abstract than that, though. It’s this sense that we can help, that something of ours is better off in the hands of someone else.

Your cousin’s business venture shows this to be true. It is also unquestionably benefiting from the kindness of others. So in my mind, the best way to deal with that truth is to let it guide the thrift shop. Tell your cousin that the store should make sure that it has donation boxes for clothes. It should raise money for Sandy victims, many of whom are still without homes and other necessities. And, it should try and create good jobs for people who were affected by the storm.

This store can honor its strange and somehow sordid beginnings by being a source of the same kindness that allowed for its grand opening.

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: Keeping the Kids Close

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

My daughter is thinking of moving to Austin, Texas. She just turned 25 and is at a very good job, even if it is not her dream job. She wants to go to Austin because she says she wants a change.

The only problem -- my daughter does not have a job in Austin. She has a cousin who says that she can stay with her for a few weeks until she has housing, and she has some money saved up as a nest egg.

But I don’t understand why she would choose to leave all of her friends, family and a promising job, to go to a city of mostly strangers and no job. 

How can I convince her to reconsider?

Don’t Want a Texas Baby


Dear Don’t Want a Texas Baby,

The short answer here is that you can’t. Your daughter is an adult who can move to wherever she’d like. Telling her again and again that she’s leaving a perfectly good job for the great unknown is unhelpful because guess what -- she knows that. From what you’ve written, it actually seems like a huge motivation for her move.

And what’s wrong with that? At 25, your daughter deserves an opportunity to shake up her foundations before she gets tied to the things that will keep her in one place -- mortgages, children, monogamy and all of the other obligations that can grow to define one’s life. All of the trappings of your daughter’s life that signify it as a success in your eyes are the same things that make her bristle.

I understand that you’re worried about your daughter heading off into the Texan yonder sans prospects. I don’t blame you for that. Know this, though: she is an adult now and perfectly capable of making opportunities happen for herself. (As a quick aside: I moved to DC without a job, so it’s definitely not impossible.)

There’s one thing in your daughter’s life that should remain constant, even when she seeks change: your support. Yes, you will miss her if she moves out west. Her life may end up different than you hoped. But make sure that she can always feel your love.

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: Promoting a Project Without Becoming Obnoxious

Dear Rachel,

How can I further my educational children’s animation program developed for TV? It's *******-****.com.

Creator of *******-***.com


Dear Creator,

The best way to “further” just about anything begins with finding goalposts. Figure out who is already doing the things that you’d like to do. Look into how they got there. Try to find a way to talk to them in person, whether that means networking with people you already know or cold calling / cold-emailing complete strangers. You are going to have to be aggressive.

There’s a balance here, though. At the same time that you want to promote yourself and your educational children’s animation program, you need to make sure that you’re respecting other people’s time when you contact them.

I’ve read this useful tip sheet about writing good emails from Quartz: http://bit.ly/18bavGL, which essentially says that you need to write with answerable questions and you need to show your gratitude.

It’s amazing that you’ve created something, and that it’s something that drives you. Keep refining it, because every time you become convinced that you’re doing something just perfect you must remember this -- there is no such thing as perfection. Open your ears. Seek criticism. And by this, I don’t just mean that you should ask for criticism. You need to really freaking listen when people give you that criticism.

I’ve asked friends for criticism on my writing before. Lots of times, I want them to say, “Oh wow! Great work!” But try to find the people who will show you some flaws and give you suggestions. These people might make you angry (I know, for all my cravings for criticism, raise my haunches each time someone actually gives you some), but mull over what they say. Let it marinate and keep in mind that you’re trying to get other people to buy into your vision, so you need to expand it to include them.

Remember also that television is a strange medium. Think about the difference between what you think people should watch, and what they’re actually going to want to watch. You better believe that anyone you speak to from a network will be thinking of that.

Even as you must contend with what may feel are the soulless or jaded people at networks, or those who hold the pursestrings, please don’t forget your core. You’re trying to educate children here. This is an important and lofty goal. If you succeed, children will build their understanding of the world off the foundation you provide them, or perhaps use the building blocks you give them to construct their sense of self. Please don’t forget that as you cultivate the characters in your program. Try not to rely on stereotypes for things like gender or race. Challenge these conceptions, instead of reinforcing them.

And finally, think about appropriate places to promote yourself. The question you asked me was perfectly valid and fantastic for this column. But including your website to your program shows that you hope I’ll publish this letter so readers will click on it. Something about that gave me the willies.

Now, you’re going to rub some people the wrong way no matter what. And you can’t let that get in your way. In fact, you’ve got to soldier on in spite of that. At the same time, think about how you can be more natural when you try to promote yourself.

Also, always do favors for people and never burn bridges. You never know when these things will come in handy.

All my best,

Rachel
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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel  or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel:Making Sure the Dramatics Stay on Stage

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

My entire family (my wife, myself and our three high school and college-aged kids) have all blocked off time in our busy schedules to see a show at the Kennedy Center together and get a nice dinner before. We are very excited because we very rarely get a chance to spend time together as a family.

We just learned that my in-laws who live nearby have decided to also buy tickets to this show. Let me just say that my wife’s parents are no walk in the park and always make things very difficult.

We found that a bit annoying but it's a free country, so they can buy tickets to whatever show they want. But now they are trying to hijack our plans. They want to do dinner after the show instead of before and they keep nagging my wife about how this is their one chance to see all the kids together.

How do we tell them that they're ruining our special night?

Theater Crashee

Dear Theater Crashee,

Your plans sound fabulous. I am very jealous. You should do all in your power to avoid letting your in-laws trounce all over your special evening.

There's no need to tell your in-laws that they're ruining your exciting night, because they won't, so long as you're firm. You (more specifically your wife, because they're her parents after all*) can just firmly say, "No." Tell them you've already made plans that your family has been anticipating and that you won't reschedule. It's as simple as that.

You don't have to be heartless, though. Right after you smack them with that stick, I recommend giving them a nice carrot. Perhaps drinks after the show (with your high schooler drinking soda) or a similar activity. Don't even give them time to respond to the refusal before you offer them an opportunity to see all of you together right after the show. That way, you can all discuss what you just saw and there's no requisite amount of time your kids will need to spend.

From the way you've worded your letter, it sounds like you've been steamrolled by these folks in the past. Don't let it happen this time. You can accommodate the in-laws without having them completely rearrange your family’s vision of the evening.

And when you do spend that time after the show out for drinks with them, try to enjoy yourself instead of feeling resentful that they’ve snookered you yet again. You might be surprised by their theater reviews!

All my best,

Rachel

*There is one exception to the “blood relation” rule -- if your wife doesn’t feel that she’ll be able to stand her ground against her parents, then you might want to be the one to present this compromise. You’ll only have one chance to do it without hurting feelings.

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: Unwinding Versus Unraveling

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

My husband and I live close to my son, who is in his early thirties. He has a lovely wife and two young children. We are very lucky because we get to see them all of the time. We love spending time with my son and his family, and frequently go out with them.

Since he became an adult, my son has always liked a beer or two at dinner. In the past year, my husband and I have both noticed that our son ends up drinking more than a beer or two. I wouldn’t call him an alcoholic -- he only really drinks at night as far as I know. Still, it worries us that he has so much to drink. His wife seems annoyed by his drinking, too.

My son is a grown man but I feel sad that he needs to drink so much. Should I talk to him? I don’t want to come off as judgmental or tell him how to be a good adult or parent. But this isn’t healthy and I’m worried.

Observing the Guzzler

Dear Observing the Guzzler,

You’ve got to talk to your son. When you notice a loved one’s habit change, you should bring it up. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Remarking on a new exercise routine doesn’t generally involve the same messiness as broaching the topic of excess drinking.

To avoid the sense that your son is getting ambushed, decide between you and your husband who should broach the subject in a casual but direct way. Avoid anything that resembles the television show “Intervention.” At this stage, you’re not trying to sit your son down with his extended family to address the effects of his drinking. This is more of a fact-finding mission and a reminder to your son that his parents are always there for him, even when he becomes a parent.

We all have different ways of unwinding after a long day. A nice beer or glass of wine, a good run, some meditation. Sometimes, though, that unwinding turns into an unraveling. It’s the job of the people who love us, who can sometimes see things that we can’t or refuse to, who can help us negotiate the boundaries between the two.

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: Dating the Divine

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

I am a single man in my late-twenties and I’ve been on a few dates with a woman I met through a work function. By picking up on some clues and based on some conversations, I know that she is very religious -- she doesn’t drink, she attends church weekly, etc. I am secular, by the way.

For what must be our fifth or so date, she is coming over to my place for dinner. Before this, we always met in public places. I am attracted to her and would like to take this to a more physical place, but I am worried that maybe she is too religious for any kind of “fraternization.” I like her and don’t want her to think I’m a sleazeball. But at the same time, I am not that interested in a relationship without any sexual component.

How do I find out where she stands on the issue without coming off as too pushy?

Praying for an Answer

Dear Praying for an Answer,

A popular way to answer the question of “do they want to knock boots?” is to kick back a few drinks and see what happens when you’re both feeling less inhibited. Clearly, this option is off the table for you and your devout lady.

But in many ways, this woman’s sense of the divine presents you with an exciting opportunity. Because let’s face it: this situation is just a more intensified version of the dilemma of dating more generally. You’ve spent time together and you enjoy her company, but you don’t know if she wants to get physical. Sound familiar?

Besides religion, there are tons of reasons why people might forgo sex. Bad previous experience, hang-ups, interest in other people, the list is infinitely long. Meanwhile, lots of religious people I know choose not to abstain from premarital relations. So the fact that this woman doesn’t drink or goes to church doesn’t necessarily tell you that much about how she interprets scripture when it comes to the bedroom.

So it’s going to come down to having a conversation, as it always does (only minus potential for liquid courage). Maybe as dinner nears its end, or if you’re chatting on the couch afterwards, you can broach the subject by asking permission to do something more physical. Saying something direct like, “How would you feel if I kissed you?” could be your best course of action.

Now I’ve heard that asking for permission before kissing takes away the mystique and ruins the spontaneity. But it doesn’t have to be a drag! Asking for consent before you try something new is an important part of any healthy sexual relationship and there’s a way to make it enhance the romance.

Awesome author and activist Jaclyn Friedman has written extensively on this idea of enthusiastic consent (she gets into details in her book Yes Means Yes, but here’s a quick primer: http://bit.ly/16D5Rxx). Essentially, you’ve got to make sure that you both feel comfortable as you meander towards kissing and all that can follow. She says, “Find someone who is unequivocally psyched about sleeping with you...and if you are unclear if someone is psyched about sleeping with you, you can ask questions. You can ask sexy questions. And you should listen to the answers.”

Dating someone who has different values can be a challenge. The only way to find out if her religious beliefs affect her views on sex is to ask. No matter her answer, you’ll come out of this experience knowing that you can talk about sex in a frank and sensual way without drinking first.

All my best,

Rachel

PS: This notion of enthusiastic consent shouldn’t just apply to dating the devout. We shouldn’t assume that anyone is or isn’t interesting in “hooking up” based on religion or any other factors, for that matter (dress and sexual history come to mind as particularly bad indicators). Time to ask some sexy questions!

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or by email to advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: The Friend Who Crash-Landed

by Rachel Kurzius

Dear Rachel,

Recently, my friend asked me if she could crash at my house for a bit. I thought it would be fine -- fun, in fact! So I said yes after checking with my roommates to make sure that they were okay with it too.

Fast forward: it’s one day past when my friend said she’d be out. It's nice to have her around, but truth be told, I'm looking forward to having my space and routine back. I keep gently prodding, asking her things like, "Where are you thinking you're going to move on to?" and "What's your plan?" She doesn't really seem to have one.

I'm starting to resent the situation a little. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask these questions -- she should just know that she asked to stay for only so much time and now it's over. Time to move on. I feel like kind of a jerk for thinking this because she is my friend, I did say yes to having her, and aside from not having my place and routine to myself as it normally is, it's not a huge deal that she's there.

But part of it too is that I know that her circumstances for staying here aren't really dire. Like, at all. She's looking for an apartment right now, but in the meantime, she does have plenty of other options—including her nearby parents who are happy to have her stay, except they live in the suburbs (totally accessible by metro).

I set myself a deadline and if she's still here by then, it's gonna get awkward when I tell her straight up to go.

Am I a jerk? Any advice for this conversation?

Sincerely yours,

Homebody Interrupted

Dear Homebody Interrupted,

There are situations in which I might consider you heartless for telling your friend to leave, especially seeing as she is merely inconveniencing your routine. Those situations include your friend dealing with intolerant parents, just breaking up with her live-in fiancé, having her roommate suffer a psychotic breakdown, or getting mugged in her old place and feeling too unsafe to return, among others.

But let’s see why your friend is taking up residence at your place: she wants to be big city living. Right? I mean, where did she live before she started crashing with you? It sounds like she’s been with her parents in the ‘burbs and craves closer proximity to the action.

I don’t blame your friend for wanting those city lights. But she can’t depend on you for them.

I’ve lived with folks who have slept on sofas for months on end. Some people are totally fine living in someone’s living room and some people love offering theirs up. If it works for all involved, then that’s great.

It sounds like it works for your friend. But it’s not for everyone.

You’re not a jerk just because you cherish your space (unless, of course, you’re in one one of the situations discussed earlier). You will probably become a jerk if you don’t talk to your friend about your frustrations soon. They will only increase over time. You’ve tried to hint that she’s overstayed your welcome, but you’re going to need to be more direct.

The best way to do this is, first of all, by not feeling too bad about it. Don’t let your friend’s attitude about living room living make you feel like a square. You don’t have to be ashamed. Just be matter-of-fact. Tell her how fun it’s been to have her, but that she’s got to find another couch to squat on.

You don't need to go into too much detail. After all, as you said, she has options. And she can still come crash on the weekends sometimes if she doesn’t find a place in city proper.

All my best,

Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.

Real Talk With Rachel: Sticky Web Dating

by Rachel Kurzius

Hello all,

Hope that you’re savoring the sticky humidity of this evening. There’s a lot more where that came from!

Last column, a letter-writer asked me what to do about complaining in-laws. It seemed like anything the family did or did not do dissatisfied these folks. While the constant litany of comments irritated the husband, who wrote the letter, his wife (the daughter of the complainers) felt truly hurt by them.

I told “On the Outs” that the world is full of negative people, and while we can brush many of them off, some of the most negative are either our family, or the family of our loved ones. I told him to ignore the ridiculous comments his in-laws made and I suggested he get his wife to talk to her parents.

Some readers thought that I added to the negativity swirling around. One reader responded by saying, “Your reply to 'On the Outs with the In-laws' was appalling. You added your venom to the conflict... Instead of calming the man, to create a peaceful conversation and find a more relaxed solution, you added your personal venom...You called the parents who gave birth, love and raised the woman that he loves "these people reared her," referred to them as ‘windbags’ who are ‘spewing negativity’ and ‘garbage grumbling’.”

I explained to the reader that I wanted "On the Outs" to know that he should trust his instincts -- his house is great, his kids are great. All of these wonderful accomplishments, which would otherwise satisfy him, were somehow diminished by his in-laws comments. That’s why negativity is so poisonous!

Perhaps I could have fought off the negativity with sheer optimism. But I wanted to validate this guy’s frustration. These weren’t harmless comments that slipped out of the in-laws’ mouths every once in a while. This was a clear pattern of verbal abuse. Far too often I speak to people who continue to let their families, and the families of their loved ones, trample all over them, simply because they're family. At a certain point, it has to end.

It’s just the beginning for us, though, reader. On to this week’s question.

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Dear Rachel,

My friend is a guy in his mid-twenties. He is always talking about how he wants a girlfriend. He just showed me a dating site that really grossed me out. He gets to look at a photo of a girl and then, based only on the picture, clicks “yes” or “no.” If he and the girl both say “yes” to each other’s photo, then they get to message each other.

To me, this is why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He is superficial and this dating site he signed up for proves it. When I’ve told him that he needs to care about more than just looks if he wants a real relationship, he seems to roll his eyes. I don’t want to keep hearing him complaining about not having a girlfriend when it’s so obvious why he doesn’t. What do I do?

Putting the Super in Superficial


Dear Putting the Super in Superficial,

The main thing you can do is take that part of your brain that whirs and whistles constantly with judgement, and turn down the volume.

To me, this dating website doesn’t say anything conclusively about your friend, except that he is trying to be proactive about finding a girlfriend. After all, is evaluating a photograph on a dating website really that different from deciding whether or not to approach someone in a bar based on looks? Both of them involve a level of the superficial, sure, but also speak to a larger, more important aspect of a working relationship. You’ve got to like the way the other person looks.

Whether you like it or not, attraction often begins with the physical. That doesn’t necessarily make it superficial. Think about how you might respond to a photo of a potential mate. What do you evaluate? The features, yes, but you can glean more than that. The facial expression could show whether someone is goofy or comfortable with herself. Is the photo at a road race or on a mountaintop? The staging of the photo itself can clue you in to a person’s interests.

It’s not everything, of course. It’s just a photo. But your friend isn’t proposing when he says “yes” to a photo. He’s just indicating that he would potentially be interested in meeting the person in the photo for lunch or a drink, so long as she also says “yes.” Seems pretty harmless to me.

The bigger question is why this is your problem, Putting the Super in Superficial. I’ve got to ask -- do you wish your friend would get off of that dating site and look at what’s right in front of him? I can’t discern your gender from your letter, but if you are a woman, then perhaps you should tell your friend how you feel.

Maybe I read the letter wrong, though, and this isn’t secretly about your own feelings for your friend. In that case, remember this: we just don’t know what other people want in a significant other. It’s hard enough to figure out one’s own preferences and problems, let alone figure out why are others are struggling in the land of love. So instead of feeling so exasperated by your friend’s frustrations, just relax. Perhaps a glass of wine will help.

All my best,
Rachel

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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.net.