Dear Rachel,
I am 24 and so is my fiance. We met nine months ago and I knew very quickly that I wanted to be with her forever. I love spending time with her and we share the same values. We got engaged last week and plan on getting married in two months.
I thought my family would be excited but they are not supportive at all. They think that we are making a mistake in rushing into marriage because we dont have a nest egg and will have such a short engagement.
Heres the reason my fiance and I are rushing into it: we are both virgins. We have never been intimate with each other or with anyone else, because we both believe our first time should be with our partner in marriage. We are getting anxious to do the deed and have been tempted more times than I'd like to think about.
I want to be able to give my virginity to my wife as a gift on our wedding night, and for her to do the same for me. At the same time, are my parents right that we cant get married without more time and more money?
Hopeful Husband
Dear Hopeful Husband,
Your parents have two main concerns: the time and the money. The money is a bit easier to suss out, so lets start with that.
Being married isn't actually a costly endeavor. Considering that you and your betrothed would be sharing a living space, you might actually be saving money. Getting married, on the other hand, can get quite expensive.
If you're planning an all-out reception, especially at the last minute, you can expect to pay top-dollar and perhaps even go into debt. To ensure that there'll be no huge hit to your wallet, you need to keep your celebration simple and small.
Children are also expensive. Recent reports show raising a kid averages out to a cost of more than $241,000 by the time the child reaches 18. But again, nothing in your letter made it seem like you're planning on starting a family when you and your fiance get married.
The time thing, on the other hand, rings more like a true concern. You and your fiance sound like people who take marriage quite seriously. Otherwise, you wouldn't be saving a huge part of your adult life -- sex -- for your wedding night. But this obsession with purity is leaving the two of you in a contradictory situation.
You say yourself that you're rushing to the altar so the two of you can have sex. While I respect your adherence to your religion, an unintended consequence is that the two of you are hurrying the whole courting phase in order to make it to the part where you get to do the deed.
The problem with rushing is that you cant be as thorough in getting to know another person. Sharing values is important and a good sign for your relationship. Being able to handle one anothers eccentricities and
annoyances is another. Nine months may feel like eternity, but you don't know the meaning of forever until you know what its like to wait for the bathroom when youve got to pee like no other and your loved one is
fastidiously grooming with no sign of abatement. It takes time to grow accustomed to the rhythms of another person.
And I know you haven't experienced this yet, but sex is a huge part of a relationship. People have lots of different preferences, from how often they want to have sex to how adventurous they'd like to be. Your decision to save yourself until marriage means that you and your fiance won't get to know how compatible the two of you are until after you say, I do.
If your'e so sure that your betrothed is the one you're going to be with forever, then I wonder if you two might be able to give each other those gifts a little earlier than planned. That way, you can spend more time
getting to know one another in every sense of the word.
All best,
Rachel
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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Wednesdays or Thursdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or at advice @ fastmail.us.
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