Dear Rachel,
I am a guy in my late twenties. I met a woman through friends this spring and we immediately had an awesome connection. We hung out three or four nights every week and I had never felt this way about anyone.
Things were going so well, but she told me that she was questioning things because she had just ended a long relationship about a month before we met and got together. From the way she talked about him, I don’t think she loved him, but she said she needed the month of August to take a step back and think about whether she wanted to be involved, even though she said she really liked me and felt the same way.
So I respected her wishes and left her alone all throughout August. The whole time I wondered if she ever really liked me and I was filled with doubts. I got a call from her on August 31 saying she was ready to spend time together.
It was great to see her and I still enjoy her company but something has changed. That passion I used to feel has gone away. I told her I would give her August but now I am not sure that I want September. What should I do?
Taking It Month by Month
Dear Taking It Month by Month,
When your lady told you she needed to take August off, she took a risk. She wasn’t ready to give you her all back at the end of July, but she gambled that you’d be waiting for her come September.
I respect her for being so attuned to her own emotional needs and upfront with you about her feelings.
Here’s the thing: this whole “off for August” deal was entirely masterminded by your gal. Yes, you tacitly agreed to it, but spent most of August in a state of doubt, especially after gliding through much of the spring and early summer in a state of passionate bliss. And while putting on the brakes may have helped your lady friend get in the right mental state, it infused you with doubts and interrupted the flow you had been enjoying.
Can you two still turn this into a September to remember? Possibly. To do so, you’re going to have to get over the sense of rejection that she made you feel through August. I don’t blame you for feeling jilted. After all, you two had a good thing going. But it was never going to work in the long run unless she felt comfortable enough to let herself dive in fully. The question is whether August spoiled your sense of the relationship at the same time that it primed hers.
You don’t have to make any major decisions right now. You can keep spending time with your lady and enjoy her company. If the spark is gone, you two will both feel it. You’re lucky that you can be honest and open with one another about your feelings. Make sure you keep that up.
All best,
Rachel
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Rachel Kurzius revels in giving advice, and has provided counsel both as a columnist and a friend. She lives in Washington DC, where she works as a news producer. Real Talk with Rachel is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv, www.cleveland-park.com, on Thursdays. Need advice? You can write to Rachel via http://bit.ly/realtalkwithrachel or advice @ fastmail.us.
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