My sister and I, both in our late 30's, regularly analyze, bemoan, and talk to death the problem that our mom isn't really good at being a supportive mom.We're grateful that our family is healthy, happy, and in the local area, but I wish I could be closer to my mom and be able to go to her in a crisis That is not the case right now, and after learning the hard way, I'm much more likely to rely on my sister, my husband, and my friends for support. As a result, I don't discuss much of importance in my life with my mom, and that makes me sad.
Are there good words I can use to say to my mom? Perhaps: "Look, I'd love it if we had the kind of relationship where I could come to you to talk about the difficulties in my life and be supported." Instead what happens is that she usually says something very short and negative and not helpful: "Why on earth would you do that?" or "Well, all doctors are stupid. I can't believe they did that to you," or "What do you mean? I've never heard you say that before" (after reminding her about bad news) or "I'm so upset about this." And then she inartfully changes the subject, or gets off the phone, or puts my dad on the phone.
I know it's not personal -- she does the same thing to her friends. She says that she "can't stand all that crying." But I do take it personally in the sense that I feel like she is still the mom, even though we're all adults, and it would be nice once in a while if my emotional needs came first. Since I basically don't tell her anything about my life because it's more stressful to deal with her reaction, I do not feel like my emotional needs ever come first.
Since both my sister and I have ample support systems in place, should we give up this fight and stop being disappointed when our mom's reaction to bad news just adds to the stress of the situation?
Signed,
Hoping for a Different Reaction
Dear Hoping for a Different Reaction,
I’m sorry your mom isn’t supportive, especially in the way you need. It’s understandably frustrating for you. I think fundamentally we all want our moms to be there for us, to give us unconditional love, and to respond positively when we are reaching out. But sometimes that’s not the case. And unfortunately, that’s your situation. So you need to start taking some action.
First step is to grieve, then accept. It sounds to me that while you know in your rational mind that your your mom isn’t the best support, you still can't accept that reality. So give yourself time to grieve over it. Grieve the fact your mom isn’t there for you in the way you want her to be. Grieve the fact that you can’t tell your mom about your life, and grieve the fact that you need to count on others to fill your emotional needs. Once you finish grieving, then you can start really accepting.
Next step? Utilizing the other supports in your life. The great news is that mentioned you do have a strong support system. Use them. That’s what they are there for.
Finally, surrender. That means stop wishing your mom were different. She is who she is. So reframe the situation. Maybe she’s not the best when it comes to emotional issues, but in what other areas is she helpful? Try to see her as a whole person—perhaps falling short in some areas but strong in others. Explore and investigate her strong areas. This way you can feel she is useful to you in some ways and you won’t concentrate so much on how she isn’t useful to you in others.
Good luck,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m madly in love with this man I’ve been dating for 6 months. A few weeks ago he said he didn’t want to take it any further but is willing to have a purely physical relationship with me (just sex). I feel like I love this man so much, I’m willing to do it. But is that crazy?
Signed,
Anything for Love
Dear Anything for Love,
It’s not crazy, it’s just desperate. I certainly understand that you love this man but he doesn’t feel the same. Having sex with him isn’t going to make him commit to you—in fact, it may actually pull you farther apart. Why? Because if he’s getting what he wants, he’s less likely to court (or even respect) you. It shows there's some truth to the old expression: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” So no, I would absolutely not agree to this “deal.” I’m sorry he doesn’t feel the same and I know that’s painful. But you can’t give in to his needs in the hope that he’ll feel closer to you. You’re only compromising yourself.
What does it say about this guy that he just wants sex from you? Does that give you any insight into his character? Sometimes we fall in love with the challenge of a man, not the actual person. This man doesn’t like a decent man who respects woman. Don’t you want someone who cares for you and not just your body?
A lot of times woman are so insecure, they don’t realize how valuable they are. You are very special and if you start believing it, other people will as well. You deserve the whole package—love, commitment, and intimacy. Not just sex.
Now kick this guy to the curb.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
How can I communicate to my wife that I’ve changed?
Signed,
A Changed Man
Dear Changed Man,
You don’t communicate it to your wife -- you show it to her. You can’t speak trust, you can only earn it. So prove it to your wife in whatever way demonstrates the change (e.g., spending less, showing more appreciation for her, not gambling, etc.). And be patient. If she’s a smart woman, she’ll know she’s got to see the change for herself for a bit to actually believe it.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for Sirius Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money, The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U. She is the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband.
You can send in your questions to advice @ fastmail dot net, via the Ask Kelli Facebook group, , or on Twitter, http://www.twitter.com/askkelli . There's more about the Ask Kelli's advice column at http://goodadvice.notlong.com . You can read back issues of her column at http://askkelli.blogspot.com/ . You can also comment and ask questions in the section below.
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