I’ve been living in my apartment for over two years. Just recently a new neighbor moved in above us. They are so loud! I hear them having parties at four in the morning! I’ve tried talking to the management and they said they couldn’t do anything. I’ve had it. Do I say something to them?
Signed,
Don’t Want to Be That Neighbor
Dear Don’t Want to Be That Neighbor,
Yes, you say something. But very nicely. This is how I would approach it: Ring the neighbor’s doorbell with homemade cookies or a cake. (Yes, I know this is the last thing you want to do). Introduce yourself and welcome the loud peeps to the building. Make some small talk. Then exchange phone numbers (this is key, and you’ll see why). Then I would say something along the lines of, “I have to be honest. I’ve been hearing a lot of noise in the late hours. I don’t want to be that neighbor but I also know what I’m like the next day on a bad night of sleep! I’m sure you don’t even realize when you’re loud. So, I can always call you if it’s too loud.” And now you have their phone number to call them if it’s 4 am and they are being too loud. This way you have some semblance of control and don’t have to go up there in your jammies in the middle of the night.
And of course, invest in a great pair of earplugs and/or a sound machine.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I’m a vegetarian. I have a friend who comes over with her 10-year-old son. She often brings his food with us when we meet at my place. The problem is, it’s often chicken nuggets, hot dogs, etc. He has a milk allergy
so I understand she’s limited in what to bring but I feel uncomfortable with meat around me. Can I say something or is that rude? Signed,
Proud Veggie
Dear Proud Veggie,
I believe it’s perfectly acceptable to explain your situation when you meet at your house. It’s your turf and you can decide the rules.
Now if you meet on neutral grounds or at your friend’s place, well, that’s a different story. Just because you have different views about food doesn’t mean your friend has to change her son’s eating habits because of that. So in those cases, I don’t think you have the right to speak out.
So here’s what I’m thinking: First, don’t meet at mealtimes. This way you avoid all food issues and may not need to say anything. Second, if you do meet at your house, why not provide everyone with a dairy-free vegetarian lunch?
I think it’s great you are holding strong to your beliefs but I know clients who have lost friends over too much preaching. So just be gentle and honest. I always find that’s the best approach.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
What is the deal with the “I need space” line? Is that really true (the person needs time away) or is this person trying to let me down easy?
Signed,
Sincerely Confused
Dear Sincerely Confused,
Here's the plain truth: It’s usually not a good thing. In most cases it’s exactly what you said: letting the person down easy. So if I were you, I’d take the hint and walk.
Yes, there are exceptions. But don't hold your breath. I’d start the grieving process now and try to move on. You don’t want to waste any more time. And please don’t call to see "just in case." If the person wants you back, he/she will call you.
I’m sorry. I know it’s hard. So take the time you need to grieve the relationship --it’s a loss like any other-- then move on. And be grateful the person told you now, rather than six months from now.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net, via the Ask Kelli Facebook group, http://bit.ly/3JvAJo,or on Twitter @askkelli..Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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