Dear Kelli,
I have been dating a girl for several months. She is very sweet and very affectionate, but a little too affectionate. She's also very sensitive. I like spending time with her and enjoy her company, but she is constantly hugging and kissing on me 24/7. It can get annoying, especially after a long day at work. I know she's coming from a good place and I enjoy it for the most part, it just gets to be too much sometimes.
I am reluctant to say anything, because I don't want her to be uncomfortable around me or feel like she can never touch me. How can I turn down the temperature just a few degrees without switching on the deep freeze?
Thanks,
Smothered
Dear Smothered,
Here’s the thing about affectionate people. That’s pretty much who they are. So you might be able to turn down the temperature but it’s still going to stay pretty warm. Catch my drift? In other words I want to make sure you realize that being affectionate isn’t so much of a gift from your girlfriend, it’s more like part of your girlfriend’s personality. In other words, that trait comes with your girlfriend. It’s in her nature. Asking her to turn the temperature down a notch is like asking a super-active person to slow down. They can slow down a bit but they’re always going to be active. The reason I point this out is because I want to figure out if this is just a little annoying for you or if it could be a deal-breaker. Because I have a feeling this is how she’ll always be. It’s not a bad thing, of course; it sounds like she is very loving and nurturing. But is it just too much for you?
If it’s just a little annoying, you could approach her saying something like this: “Honey, as you know work really drains me. Even though people aren’t physically touching me all the time, it feels like they’re in my space. So I believe what would help me relax when I come home is to just have my own space. I want to spend that time with you but I think it would be better for both of us if I have my own space for a bit right when I return home. I hope you aren’t offended. It’s just one of my quirks that I never got to tell you.”
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I’m a 56-year-old man who broke his nose when he was 23. I never got it fixed. Maybe because I was scared or lazy, or both. Well, I’m wondering if you think it’s stupid to get it fixed now? I obviously want to fix it for aesthetics but I’m sure it will also help my breathing. Am I crazy in my mid-fifties for wanting a nose job?
Signed,
Vain Man?
Dear Vain Man,
I don’t think anyone’s crazy for wanting to better themselves, whether that is physically or mentally. You want to appear more attractive. Is that strange? No, in my opinion it’s human nature. Who doesn’t want to appear more attractive? And just because you are 56 doesn’t make it any less worthwhile for you to want to look better than if you were 20. You’ve also got even more justification for the nose job because it’s genuinely broken. So, no I don’t think it’s stupid. I think it’s great you are taking action—both on an aesthetics front and on a medical one. The only reservation I’d have is if you’re experiencing other difficulties in life right now (a divorce, or other major source of stress) and you want a distraction. I’d just make sure you really examine your situation before you proceed.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
My husband thinks he can fix everything. Our dishwasher, the lawn mower, the washing machine, you name it. The truth is: he can’t. He ends up making more of a mess and then we have to pay for a mechanic or handyman anyway. It’s just such a time waster. What can I do?
Signed,
Not Tim the Tool Man’s Wife
Dear Not Tim the Tool Man’s Wife,
You can let it go. I know: I’m crazy, right? You know how as women we need certain things? Men do too. And thinking that they can fix stuff is one of them. Perhaps it’s an ego thing for your husband. He wants to try first and see if he can do it. Perhaps it’s a money thing. Again, he wants to try first and see if he can solve the problem before shelling out the cash. Either way, let him have his fun. Yes, it’s frustrating to have to wait another day or so when something’s broken and then have call the handyman anyway, but it sounds to me as if your husband likes feeling empowered by trying to fix the problem. Give him this one.
You can always say, “Let’s agree on a certain number of hours/days for you to fix it and if you can’t figure it out, then we can agree to call the handyman.” He still has his shot at it and you have a guarantee it will get fixed by a certain time.
All the best,
Kelli
----------------------------------
I am reluctant to say anything, because I don't want her to be uncomfortable around me or feel like she can never touch me. How can I turn down the temperature just a few degrees without switching on the deep freeze?
Thanks,
Smothered
Dear Smothered,
Here’s the thing about affectionate people. That’s pretty much who they are. So you might be able to turn down the temperature but it’s still going to stay pretty warm. Catch my drift? In other words I want to make sure you realize that being affectionate isn’t so much of a gift from your girlfriend, it’s more like part of your girlfriend’s personality. In other words, that trait comes with your girlfriend. It’s in her nature. Asking her to turn the temperature down a notch is like asking a super-active person to slow down. They can slow down a bit but they’re always going to be active. The reason I point this out is because I want to figure out if this is just a little annoying for you or if it could be a deal-breaker. Because I have a feeling this is how she’ll always be. It’s not a bad thing, of course; it sounds like she is very loving and nurturing. But is it just too much for you?
If it’s just a little annoying, you could approach her saying something like this: “Honey, as you know work really drains me. Even though people aren’t physically touching me all the time, it feels like they’re in my space. So I believe what would help me relax when I come home is to just have my own space. I want to spend that time with you but I think it would be better for both of us if I have my own space for a bit right when I return home. I hope you aren’t offended. It’s just one of my quirks that I never got to tell you.”
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
I’m a 56-year-old man who broke his nose when he was 23. I never got it fixed. Maybe because I was scared or lazy, or both. Well, I’m wondering if you think it’s stupid to get it fixed now? I obviously want to fix it for aesthetics but I’m sure it will also help my breathing. Am I crazy in my mid-fifties for wanting a nose job?
Signed,
Vain Man?
Dear Vain Man,
I don’t think anyone’s crazy for wanting to better themselves, whether that is physically or mentally. You want to appear more attractive. Is that strange? No, in my opinion it’s human nature. Who doesn’t want to appear more attractive? And just because you are 56 doesn’t make it any less worthwhile for you to want to look better than if you were 20. You’ve also got even more justification for the nose job because it’s genuinely broken. So, no I don’t think it’s stupid. I think it’s great you are taking action—both on an aesthetics front and on a medical one. The only reservation I’d have is if you’re experiencing other difficulties in life right now (a divorce, or other major source of stress) and you want a distraction. I’d just make sure you really examine your situation before you proceed.
All the best,
Kelli
---
Dear Kelli,
My husband thinks he can fix everything. Our dishwasher, the lawn mower, the washing machine, you name it. The truth is: he can’t. He ends up making more of a mess and then we have to pay for a mechanic or handyman anyway. It’s just such a time waster. What can I do?
Signed,
Not Tim the Tool Man’s Wife
Dear Not Tim the Tool Man’s Wife,
You can let it go. I know: I’m crazy, right? You know how as women we need certain things? Men do too. And thinking that they can fix stuff is one of them. Perhaps it’s an ego thing for your husband. He wants to try first and see if he can do it. Perhaps it’s a money thing. Again, he wants to try first and see if he can solve the problem before shelling out the cash. Either way, let him have his fun. Yes, it’s frustrating to have to wait another day or so when something’s broken and then have call the handyman anyway, but it sounds to me as if your husband likes feeling empowered by trying to fix the problem. Give him this one.
You can always say, “Let’s agree on a certain number of hours/days for you to fix it and if you can’t figure it out, then we can agree to call the handyman.” He still has his shot at it and you have a guarantee it will get fixed by a certain time.
All the best,
Kelli
----------------------------------
Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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