Dear Kelli,
I have a very odd question, but first I’ll give you a little background: I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. I started working for a company and became friendly with a female colleague of mine. It started as a work relationship and has grown into a nice friendship. Well, basically, out of the blue about a week ago she said to me, “Cathy, I know you are committed to Joe but if you ever want to have a threesome, I’d be interested.” It totally caught me off guard! I said, “Thanks, but we’re monogamous.” Here’s the thing: I really like her as a friend but feel awkward now. I can’t tell if she’s interested in me or my boyfriend, or both. I’m just wondering if I can honestly have a friendship with her after she said that.
Signed,
Different Kind of Friend
Dear Different Kind of Friend,
Don’t feel bad -- that type of question would catch anybody off guard! (Unless you’re working in another type of industry…)
Do I think you can have a friendship after her proposal? Yes, I do. You just have to make the boundaries completely clear and don’t give any mixed messages to her. Your friend sounds very open and honest, so I believe she’d appreciate your honesty back to her. I’d say something like this: “I want to talk with you about your question to me the other day. I really like our friendship and I’m in love with my boyfriend. I’d like to continue our friendship but I have to know you’re 100% okay with the way things are. Just a strictly platonic friendship. I don’t want things to be awkward between us, especially if you have hopes that things may change. If I decide to change my mind, I’ll tell you; otherwise please don’t bring it up again.”
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My mom has a friend who makes comments about what everyone else is eating. She says things like, “Oh my gosh, you’re eating that dressing? Do you know how fattening that is?” Or, “Do you know each slice of bread has over 100 calories in it?” It’s so frustrating. I just want to eat in peace. I love my mom and I like her friends, but this is starting to ruin our meals. Do we not include this friend anymore?
Signed,
Shut Up Already!
Dear Shut Up Already,
I believe this can be easily resolved without completely cutting your mom’s friend out. I see that you can handle this situation in any of three ways:
1) You can have a therapist-y sort of conversation with your mom’s friend, if you are close enough. A woman who feels the need to discuss food/calories/fat, etc., and point it out, is obviously obsessed and in pain herself. You can ask her if she’s okay, if she wants to talk to a therapist, and that you are worried that she may have an an eating disorder. Then you can tell her that although it may seem harmless, it does bother you and the group when she makes comments about what others are eating.
2) If you aren’t that close to her and feel the therapist-y conversation is out of your bounds, you can simply tell this woman privately that it’s very bothersome when she brings up calorie information of your food while you’re eating. You can tell her that you’re at peace with your food and you don’t want to get obsessed with counting calories. You hope she can understand.
3) In front of the group, declare a “No Talking about Calories/Fat/Nutrition” lunch from now on. You could make it funny. “So I’ve decided that I’m okay with having my jelly rolls and cellulite, and I want to stay that way. So from now on let’s not talk about calories/fat/nutrition because I want to stay in my happy place.” Have your mom back you up and agree.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
Do you have any good lines to use when a guy tries to pick you up and you are just not interested?
Signed,
Urgh, Sick of Loser
Dear Urgh, Sick of Losers,
Yes, I’ve got plenty. I’m not a proponent of lying, so I say be blunt:
1) “I’m sorry, I’m not interested.” Simple, yet effective.
2) “I just don’t feel the chemistry. I’m sorry.” No one can argue with that one!
3) “I don’t think so but thank you so much for asking me.” Sometimes you don’t even need to give a reason!
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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