Dear Kelli,
I feel shallow writing this but I feel very overwhelmed with friends. I feel like I can’t keep up with making plans with so many different people. My calendar is full and sometimes I just want to do things by myself. I feel obligated to say yes when friends asked me to make plans with them, or I feel obligated to set a date to stay on top of it. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Friend Overload
Dear Friend Overload,
First, try to look at your problem as a blessing. You want to remain grateful that you’re so loved and appreciated. Second, it sounds like you’re putting everyone else’s needs ahead of yours. What I’m hearing from you is that you need time for you. That’s perfectly okay and there is no shame in needing more space. So instead of scheduling “Cathy 12 pm, lunch,” you need to start blocking off your own time and putting your own name on the calendar. It sounds funny but it's just what you should do. You can start slowly, once a week with just one "you" commitment. But you’ll soon see how much you’ll appreciate having your own time again. If this feels too hard, think of it this way: If you can’t give to yourself, how can you give to other people? You’ll be a better friend to others if you're taking care of yourself. Finally, it may be time to start streamlining your friends. Are there friends that you really enjoy being with and that mean more to you than others? I would schedule those friends as a priority.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend has crappy eating habits. But forget him -- it’s now sabotaging my dieting efforts. He’ll have a huge mound of ice cream for dessert, eat sugary cereals 24/7, and between meals will munch on candy bars, popsicles, and other junk. I’ve given up on trying to get him to improve his eating habits. That’s a lost cause. It’s about me now. It’s just hard for me not to be tempted by all the unhealthy stuff he eats. Do you think it’s wrong for me to ask him not to have it our apartment? Or is that even a crazy thought?
Signed,
Tempted by the Food of Another
Dear Tempted,
This is a tough one. Your boyfriend certainly has a right to eat what he wants, just as you have a right to eat what you want. But I understand why and how you’d be tempted. So perhaps there could be a balance here. First of all, is it possible for you to allow yourself a treat every now and then so that you don’t totally feel deprived while he gets to pig out? I don’t know your dieting rules but is it possible to leave room for dessert every now and then? Realistically, it’s going to be easier to change you and your ways than it is to change his.
Second, would your boyfriend be open to bringing less junk food home? Not all, because then he’ll feel upset -- just less. Explain how you want to be healthier and how this is about you, not him. (It’s a little about him but focus more on how it's about you.) Ask if there is any healthy food he likes. Dessert junkies aren’t always opposed to sweet fruits like cherries and watermelon (in season now) because they’re sweet. It’s worth a try! And perhaps he’d be open to substitute with healthier options? Like frozen fruit bars instead of popsicles? Start with little changes, so he doesn’t feel totally deprived.
Hope this helps.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I feel like I can’t stop looking at all my physical faults: the spider veins on my legs, the brown spots on my face, the wrinkles, the cellulite. I’m like something in a tabloid ad. Urgh. Can I ever stop the cycle?
Signed,
Tabloid Copy
Dear Tabloid Copy,
Yes, you can stop the cycle, but it’s going to take some work on your part. To start, every time you hear yourself saying, “Urgh. Look at this spider vein,” replace it with something you do like about yourself: “But I do have shapely legs.” It takes practice and will feel weird but it’s a nice habit to get into. Second, learn to meditate. Meditation helps diminish those negative voices we hear over and over again. Finally, remind yourself that our society over-values beauty; it's not what really makes you feel valued. What does? Write a list and keep it nearby.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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