Dear Kelli,
I'm a 25 year old woman living in DC. I am in a job where I work long hours and don't have much time for dating and relationships. I'm from a small southern town where marriage and kids are more important to most girls my age than careers. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for anything, but it's hard for others to see that. With the holidays coming up, I need advice on how to handle relatives asking me about my love life. One year my stepmother went so far as to say, "Let's work on getting a ring on that finger by this time next year," while I was still in college! They're so judgmental about why I'm single and have even made jokes about how many cats I plan on taking in. Any advice on how to handle pushy relatives and friends?
Signed,
Not a PTA/Landrover Kinda Gal
Dear Not a PTA/Landrover Kinda Gal,
My single friends would wonder if you two have the same relatives. I definitely hear that this a common theme with families, so at the very least, you know you’re not alone. I have some suggestions but want to also help reframe the situation for you. Try and remember that no matter how annoying you find it, your relatives keep asking you about marriage because they love you and in their minds this is what will make you happiest. So when you get frustrated with them, just keep telling yourself, it’s out of love. In any event, here are my best suggestions:
· Try honesty. "I know it’s hard for you to believe it, but I’m really happy right now. I have a great job, I’m focused. I’m not worried that I won’t find someone, and honestly, I’m really content right now. Isn’t that what everyone wants for me anyway?"
· Respond with humor. “I’m just waiting till I’m old enough to wear dentures down the aisle. Think it will be a cuter look, Grandma!” or “You know, I think I’m so perfect, it’s just hard to find someone as great as me.”
· Change the subject. "I’m really focusing on my career but I don't want to go on about my work because you might not find that as interesting as it is to me. So why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to! I’m dying to know."
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who goes back all the way to grade school. She’s fun and kind but she complains. All the time. Urrgh. I have always thought of myself as a positive, upbeat, and optimistic person. I try and share my perspective but she always seems to come back to the negative of the situation. What can I do?
Signed,
Sunny Side Up
Dear Sunny Side Up,
Here’s the thing: We are who we are. Just like you’re positive, upbeat, and optimistic, it sounds like your friend, although fun and kind, is more of a “realist” -- by which I mean a pessimist. That's who she is. (Unless you’ve seen changes in the past few weeks, which could indicate that she's clinically depressed; in that case, you would want to take a different approach, and offer help or suggest that she see a therapist.) Otherwise, I think you just have to accept this is who she is.
What if you try a different response when she complains? You say you keep giving her a positive perspective. What if you sit back and let your friend “come up” with an alternative perspective? So next time she complains, I would say, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that. What do you think you can do to make it better?” That can lead her to come up with an actual solution to her complaint, even better because she came up with the idea herself. There is something empowering about figuring things out for yourself.
If this doesn’t work and you’re mentally exhausted by her constant pessimism, remember you have the choice to be with your friend or not. You can decide if her kindness and fun attitude outweigh her negativity.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My friend’s father just passed away. She seems totally fine about it! What is wrong with her? I haven’t seen her even shed a tear! It’s so insulting when people don’t even care about the loss of their loved ones.
Signed,
Good Grief!
Dear Good Grief,
Not everything is as it appears, and we must acknowledge that we don't understand the intimacy of all of our friends' relationships. Perhaps your friend was estranged from her father or didn’t have a close relationship? Perhaps your friend is grieving in private? You don't know, and it’s not fair to judge. It’s our role as friends to support our friends, no matter what their grief looks like to us. Everyone grieves differently, in their own way, in their own time. A friend should respect that.
I’m wondering if your friend's loss has triggered something for you about any loss you’ve experienced? It might be good to examine your own feelings and emotions. Often someone else’s loss brings up a previous loss and sets off feelings we had thought we'd processed.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
Kelli welcomes your comments below. Have a question? You can write to Kelli at advice (at) fastmail (dot) net or via Twitter @askkelli.Your name and email address will be kept confidential.
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