Dear Kelli,
This time during the holidays/New Year always feels so hard for me. It feels like I’m the only one who's depressed, while everyone else is in a great mood and full of “holiday cheer.” I'm having a hard time talking about this with others. I even felt ashamed to write to you confidentially. I don’t even know what I’m asking for, I guess just want to know if I’m the only one?
Signed,
Mr. Depressed Grinch
Dear Mr. Depressed Grinch,
A therapist friend of mine tells me this is her busiest time of the year. Coincidence? I don’t think so. This time, although it may seem like it’s jolly, is hard on a lot of people. It can be lonely, isolating, and difficult. The pressure of “feeling the holiday spirit” can make one even more depressed, and ashamed of the feeling. So please know you are not alone. I would strongly encourage you to speak with a therapist. This won't be the first time the therapist has dealt with this problem. Or at least reach out to a trusted friend. You shouldn’t go through this difficult time alone and you might be surprised by how much people can relate to what you’re feeling.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
Simply put, my mother-in-law is crazy! I don’t mean, crazy ha ha. I mean, mentally ill crazy. I find that she's she’s volatile (one minute happy, one minute yelling), impulsive, dramatic, and not trustworthy. The more I’m with her, the more opportunity for her to get mad at us for something. My question is, how can I maintain a relationship with someone like that? My husband does want some sort of relationship.
Signed,
Tough Spot
Dear Tough Spot,
I understand your dilemma. I believe there is a way to handle this relationship: Keep it simple by maintaining a very low-key and superficial relationship, with minimal contact. I’d encourage you to be polite and kind when you do see your mother-in-law but realize you’re dealing with someone who isn’t in her right mind. So do your best to keep things light. Give the briefest responses to her questions: “We’re doing fine," "work is good" and so on. Avoid giving her too much detail. You write thank-you notes for gifts and you send pictures once in awhile but you limit contact to necessities only.
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
My dad is always late. Growing up, it was frustrating for me, but as an adult, it’s even more annoying. I ask him to come at 4 pm, he gets there at 4:45 or 5 pm. It’s to the point where I don’t even want to see him if he won't make the effort to show up on time. Do I just not have contact with him? He’s a great person otherwise, that’s the frustrating thing.
Signed,
He's Always Late for Important Dates
Dear He's Always Late,
I think not having contact is way too harsh, especially since you say he’s a great person otherwise. If tardiness is his main flaw, you can work around it. This is not to excuse this behavior, but I’ve learned that some people just don’t have a great sense of time (when to leave the house, how long it will take to get to the destination, and so on). It’s a skill and some people just aren’t good at it. So he may not be punctual but it doesn’t make him a bad person -- just not great at scheduling his time.
You can’t change your dad, but you can change your attitude about his lateness. First you need to accept that he will almost always be late. It's disappointing but it's the way he is. So just expect every time you arrange a date that he will be late.
Second, trying giving him a buffer time. If you want him somewhere at 4 pm, tell him to meet you there at 3 or 3:15 pm.
All the best,
Kelli
I think not having contact is way too harsh, especially since you say he’s a great person otherwise. If tardiness is his main flaw, you can work around it. This is not to excuse this behavior, but I’ve learned that some people just don’t have a great sense of time (when to leave the house, how long it will take to get to the destination, and so on). It’s a skill and some people just aren’t good at it. So he may not be punctual but it doesn’t make him a bad person -- just not great at scheduling his time.
You can’t change your dad, but you can change your attitude about his lateness. First you need to accept that he will almost always be late. It's disappointing but it's the way he is. So just expect every time you arrange a date that he will be late.
Second, trying giving him a buffer time. If you want him somewhere at 4 pm, tell him to meet you there at 3 or 3:15 pm.
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author of Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and the Cleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
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