Dear Kelli,
My wife recently got new glasses. They are hideous! I’m normally not particular but the ones she picked are really just awful. Do I say something to her?
Signed,
She’s Definitely Blind
Dear She’s Definitely Blind,
This is a sticky situation and the answer to your question depends on the answers to my questions:
1) Did she seek your opinion? If so, feel free to be polite but honest. (“Honey, you’re beautiful. And I’m thinking there could be other styles that would be more flattering.”)
2) Has she mentioned she likes them and is happy? If so, there are two ways to deal with this one. The first is to keep your mouth shut and let her be happy. A happy wife is a happy life! However, if you really can’t stand the sight of the glasses on her, you should take the second approach: Tell your wife you want her to be happy but you’d love to see her second or third choice. Gently suggest that these frames are not the right choice for shape of face. (By the way, some opticians give you thirty days to bring glasses back and choose another frame if you decide you are unhappy with your choice.)
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I got my neighbor a holiday gift that cost me $15. (I always give my presents early.) She came back and gave me a $75 gift certificate. I feel so guilty. Is it necessary to go out and buy her something else?
Signed,
Thought That Counts?
Dear Thought That Counts,
No, I don’t believe it’s necessary to get an additional gift. It was very kind of your neighbor to spend so much money on you. I think a beautiful handwritten thank- you note would be absolutely perfect (and maybe an offer to shovel their steps when it snows).
All the best,
Kelli
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Dear Kelli,
I have a friend who adopted her child. I know this for a fact because I was friends with her when she went through the adoption process and got her child. It’s really strange, though: Now when we have playdates with preschool mothers and we talk about our births, pregnancies, and so on, she chimes right in and says “Yeah, when I gave birth…” I’m flabbergasted. Is this mental health behavior or do you think she’s just trying to fit in with the other moms?
Signed,
Not Sure If Friend Is Crazy
Dear Not Sure If Friend Is Crazy,
I wish I could answer your question but I believe it would take a psychological evaluation to get to the bottom of this behavior. You should also consider whether your friend has been acting strangely in other areas or just in response to questions about pregnancy and childbearing? If you have noticed other odd behaviors, you would definitely be acting as a good friend if you were to suggest that she seek counseling. If it's just in this limited situation, that suggests to me that she feels insecure about her son's adoption and so has invented a birth story to try to fit in with the crowd.
Since you’ve directly heard her tell this lie, you could say to her privately, “Bonnie, if you ever want to talk about Rick’s adoption I’m always here. I can imagine it must be hard at times to hear other moms talk about their pregnancies when you didn’t go through that.”
All the best,
Kelli
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Kelli Miller, MSW is a therapist, author, and radio personality. Miller was a featured expert for SIRIUS Satellite Radio Channel 198, the co-host for the TV show Love and Money: The Advice Show, and the advice columnist for Playboy U, and the author ofProfessor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband. Ask Kelli is published on All Life is Local and theCleveland Park Listserv on Wednesdays.
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Regarding the adoption question: I have a friend, now in her 70s, who has an absolutely brilliant daughter (widely recognized as such) and who always has said she is hers by birth. Only a few friends know otherwise: Even the fact that the daughter is clearly part-Asian has been explained by referring to distant ancestors. The mother grew up at a time when adoption was still not common, and the daughter has never been told that she is adopted. The two are very close. Another younger friend has gone the same route with her children. I don't think the friend should question or advise the mother at all, or talk about this to others. If the mother wishes to speak to the child and her friends about the adoption, that is her prerogative alone.
ReplyDeleteAs an adoptee, I think it's essential that parents are up front about it when the child is old enough to understand it. While it is the parent's choice, I think it's irresponsible, especially in this era, to withhold that information. So many children are adopted, domestically and internationally--it's a well-understood situation. With genetic conditions like heart disease, diabetes, bipolarity and cancer, it's hard enough not knowing what the future is; if you lie to your adopted child, you're misleading them. Also, why isn't it a wonderful thing to tell your child that you literally CHOSE THEM?
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